Like most people who inquire about advice I cannot believe I’m submitting this. But, here it goes…
My boyfriend and I have been together since he was 18 and I was 16 years old. I had relationships prior, but those of course were puppy love. But, when I met him I just felt something stronger. We had this undeniable connection almost instantaneously and we were inseparable. You know sneaking around the house when my mama wasn’t home, going on dates, late night phone calls…just being young and enjoying our time together. I had never met anyone like him.
Fast forward to November 2010, and I discovered I had a UTI, which I later found out was caused by Chlamydia. I was devastated and mortified, and because of course he was the only person I had been with for about a year at that point, I accused him of cheating. He came clean and told me yes he had cheated but it was a one time event with an irrelevant female during the summer. Me being young and dumb I believed and forgave him.
So, he went to get treated, but when he went to get tested his results came back negative. At that point all hell broke loose. He started to accuse me of cheating and just acting strange and distant from me all together. A month later we broke up. We were broken up for about 2 months and decided to “reconnect,” or so I thought. While we were “reconnecting” I received a message from a girl on my Facebook asking me whether or not I knew him, and that she was a friend of his girlfriend, and that they had been together since September 2010.
I asked him about it and initially he denied it, but then he told me the truth. That night, I was so hurt and I literally broke down crying on my knees and vowed that I would never speak to him again, but I did 8 months later. In May of 2011, I couldn’t have been happier. I was in my senior year of high school and making plans to attend college. So, when he called out of the blue it didn’t bother me. Although, I still had feelings for him, I was aware that he had a girlfriend so I wasn’t checking for him much.
But, one night we talked all night on the phone and all my feelings just came rushing back as though they’d never left. He told me he and his girlfriend had broken up and he came over and we had sex. I thought we were on our way back to reconciliation, but he kept asking me whether or not I would “date someone with a baby.” Me, being 18 at the time, told him of course not, because it would be too drama filled and demanding on me.
So, we continued to be friends and talk regularly. I had even started dating again a little. Until one day in July when he texted me and told me he was “having a child.” I tried to play the bigger person and I told him I was happy for him because I knew that’s what he always wanted. He then told me how unhappy he was because it wasn’t with me and that he wanted to marry me ASAP. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing.
Needless to say I was elated, but that was short lived and of course the wedding never happened or even an engagement. Soon after that his baby mama began messaging me on Facebook trying to build some type of friendship with me. She would tell me things that he was telling her in comparison to the things he was saying to me. And, now as I reflect on the reality it was so much more different.
He was having me come over to his house when she lived there! I had no idea what was going on behind my back. In the fall of 2011, their son was born and I just knew from that day that things were never going to be the same, but he did his best to make it seem like they were. But, he was still messing around with his baby mom unbeknownst to me. She and I would constantly get into arguments and when I found out what was going on we broke up and they continued trying to make their family work.
It never would work. Every month they were getting into arguments and he would always find himself coming back to me. The year of 2012, although we were separated, it was filled with so many ups and downs for us that I can’t even begin to recollect, but no matter what we always kept in touch and saw each other from time to time.
So, in October of 2013, after a year of being apart, we decided to give it one more chance with him being 22 and me 20 years old. It started out amazing. But, she was still in the picture and he would date her while dating me. Every time I found out we would break and get back together. He graduated school and didn’t even invite me to his graduation. Instead, he invited her. I was so hurt.
And, sometimes I wouldn’t know what to believe because his baby momma is very vindictive and immature. And, in the past she would sometimes lie to get him and I to break up, and whenever he does something wrong to her she stops him from seeing his son. I don’t want to be the cause of that. I’ve never even met his son. He keeps me away from his friends and family and that hurts even more. I feel like I’ve transitioned into the side chick at times.
His baby mama is a whole other story. Just disrespectful. Calling my home and disrespecting my mother saying, “Tell your daughter to stop f***ing my boyfriend.” Just a mess. I’m just tired of that aspect because he doesn’t tell her to stop or even take my side on the issue. He’s just trying to keep the peace, but that only works for so long. He’s known to push things under the rug instead of just dealing with them head on.
Just recently she and I got into a physical fight because I’m tired of her disrespecting me. I’m definitely not proud of that, but I felt like it was the only way to defend myself because he’s not. He moved closer to where she lives because that’s where his mom is, as well as his job. But, every day I’m paranoid asking him whether or not he’s cheating with her and it’s taking a toll on our relationship.
He thinks I’m being clingy, but really it’s just the lack of trust that’s making me behave that way. Just up to this month we’ve been really happy and it felt like old times again. We’ve been making plans to move out once I start school again. I know I sound stupid saying this, but I love him more than anything and honestly he is my best friend. He is always there for me pushing me to better myself.
I tried to commit suicide last summer and he’s really just been my rock for as long as I can remember. When we got back together he promised he would change and I saw an effort, but now he’s being strange and distant from me. He spends more time tweeting then talking to me. I can almost feel history repeating itself. I just don’t want the past to come back and bite me in the a**. Now, we’re on a “break,” but I don’t know if I should just walk away for good this time. – Not Sure What’s Going To Happen
Dear Ms. Not Sure What’s Going To Happen,
Uhm, at 16 years old and sneaking around with an 18 year old boy is not cute at all. As a matter of fact, it’s what my grandmomma used to call lil’ gals like you, “Being fast!”
You are running after this boy, going through all of this drama and stress, and for what? He doesn’t love you. He doesn’t respect you. He doesn’t like you. You are so worried about becoming the side chick, that you don’t even know that you are the side chick.
He has a girlfriend, another woman he got pregnant, and she had his baby. She lived with him at one time, and now he’s moved closer to be near her. All of this was going on while he was seeing you on the side, and you really think that you are his girlfriend. You really feel in your heart that you are his woman, his main lady. SMDH! So sad. You can’t see the forest for the trees, and he truly continues to play you like the side piece, with no biscuit, that you are.
He’s lied to you from the beginning. He’s been cheating on you from the beginning. He’s been playing you over and over again, pitting you against the other woman, feeding both of you lies, and he continues sleeping with the both of you. And, what’s even more sad is that you felt it was best to physically fight her to defend yourself against the lies, bull-ish, and drama he put you in. He is keeping the tension and drama going between you and her. He edges the both of you on telling you lies about each other. You and this woman were fighting over a man who could care less about either of you. He could meet another woman, get into another relationship, have another baby, and you two birds would still be fighting over his nut sac.
The fact that you see this playing out, and knowingly keep allowing him to come back and forth into your life is truly pathetic. You allow yourself to be played, to be tricked out, and to be the side chick, and you keep blaming him and the other woman for the role you are playing in all of this. You won’t take responsibility for your own donkey behavior, therefore, you will continue to be the donkey and he will keep feeding you hay and grass.
Notice that every time you and he reconnect it always ends in drama. It ends with him cheating, or continuing to sleep with is “real” girlfriend, his baby momma. Everything he sells you, tells you, and convinces you to believe is a lie. His feelings for you are not real, not authentic, or true. The only thing the two of you have together is that you are his solace, his temporary relief from his baby momma, his girlfriend.
Sweetie, he hasn’t introduced you to his child. You haven’t met his family or friends. No one knows anything about you, and you don’t know anything about him. (Giving you the side eye). Please have several seats on the edge of the cliff. Girl, the people who are closest to him don’t even know you exist, yet, you can fight over a man that keeps you in the dark, hidden in some corner treating you like the side chick that you are.
At some point you have to grow up. Stop trying to recapture the young dumb love you once had. It’s not going to happen. You are adults. Grown. But, you want to continue to play these childish a** games. He is not going to be serious with you. He is not going to marry you, make you his wife, or you become a family. Those lies he told you when you were 16 years old are not going to manifest. Stop living in fantasy land, and wake your fast a** up to reality. He is still playing you, and filling your head with the same bull-ish he was telling you a few years ago. IT IS NOT GOING TO HAPPEN. HE IS NOT GOING TO MAKE GOOD ON HIS PROMISES.
End this silly game, and end being his side chick once and for all. End the drama of fighting with his baby momma. Let her have him. Go to school. Finish, graduate, and learn something other than getting your degree in dumba** bull-ish chasing after a boy. Get into counseling, and therapy. If you attempted suicide, then you should be speaking with a professional who can help you, and not your “boyfriend.” He is at the root of your problems. Focus on growing, maturing, and being a woman and not a silly a** girl. You are too old to be acting like this, and running after someone who clearly has demonstrated that he doesn’t want to be with you. – Terrance Dean
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Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15); Hiding In Hip Hop (Atria Books – June 2008); and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!