We Are Engaged To Be Married, But I'm Having Second Thoughts

Dear Bossip,

I am currently engaged to a man that I have been through a lot with in the last three years.

I truly love this man unconditionally, and I have been ever since I fell in love with him 6 months into our relationship. We both met during a hard time. We both were going through a divorce from our previous marriages. We started out as friends just talking and enjoying each other’s conversations. Then over a few months, things just blossomed into a relationship.

At the beginning I was very open in regards to the things I had been through within my 12-year marriage and the things I did not want to go through again in any new relationship. As for him he was saying similar things as well. So, from there we began our relationship.

We had our rough patches at the beginning because his ex-wife was always trying to find a way to come back to him and things with his children. But, as a woman, I was willing to work through this and I stayed with him. After about 8 months into the relationship I started to feel that he was cheating with a young lady that he dealt with in the past. I started asking many questions about him and her, but he would always say no. I told him again that he knows I am a grown woman and I do not play childish games, so whatever he got going on he best fix it.

So, a week later he tells me that he needs to tell me something. We go out to dinner and he tells me that he had been seeing her while we were together and that he was determined that I am who and what he wants in his life and that he would like for us to work things out. After about 3 weeks of not talking or seeing him and just thinking and putting things in perspective, I agreed for us to work things out.

We move in together and began our life. Things were okay, considering the issues with his oldest daughter, whom she thought she was grown and could disrespect anyone she wanted. We had so many problems in our relationship because of her that I decided it was best for us to live separately because his daughter was also living with us as well as my children. I did not want her to be a bad influence on my daughter.

We were still in our relationship, but I moved back into my own house that I rented out for that year when we lived together. Then, he came to me one day after we were arguing about the chaos his daughter was causing in our relationship and he states that he never have been without a woman in his life and he feels that before him and I can move forward he needs to get himself together to be a good man for me. I was upset, but I understood and because I loved him I knew I had to allow him time to think and get himself together.

But, to my knowledge this man moves in with this chick who was okay playing number two to his wife for three years. Besides that he and I was talking everyday and he was coming over three nights a week for dinner with me and his kids because during all this we were still working on our relationship. I did not know about the other girl at all.

Then, about 2 months later, he calls me and tells me that he wants us to go full throttle on our relationship. He asked me to marry him and all. I agreed and we have been planning the wedding. Two months after our engagement, I get a text from a mutual friend of ours who says that he has a baby on the way with this girl. I asked him and all HELL broke loose. I went through all the normal things as any woman. My aunts and grandmother also talked to me and all stated that if I truly love him I should give myself the opportunity to see if I can be with him and deal with this issue because many woman has been in this situation.

It’s been a year now and we are still together and from what I see he has changed completely. I am so angry at him that I just feel that I cannot move forward because he have hurt me so deeply. Our wedding is in 6 months and I am still fighting with my love and anger to either move forward with him or let it all go. – Angry and Confused

Dear Ms. Angry and Confused,

Uhm, two things – 1.) Get into pre-marital counseling. If you are committed to this relationship, and you are still harboring anger, bitterness, and hurt from what he has done to you, then you should get all of this worked out before you get married. Do not move forward without addressing these issues, and letting him know how you feel, what he’s done to you, and how this has affected your relationship and trust with him. If you don’t, then you will always harbor these feelings, and you will never fully trust him, or forgive him. If you really want to get married.

2.) Go get tested together. And, I am talking about a complete health and STD work-up from your doctors. While you were separated, and he moved in with another woman, he was having unprotected sex. But, hold up. Even before her when he confessed to you at dinner to seeing the other woman that you had suspicions regarding, he was sleeping with her and you at the same time. Therefore, he is willing to gamble and jeopardize his own health and well-being for a piece of a**, and then come and lay up with you. So, do you really know this man, who can lay down with several women, have unprotected sex, and then come and lay with you as if nothing is wrong? Uhm, sweetie, go get tested. Ain’t no d**k worth all this aggravation.

Apparently, there is another underlying issue, and it is his inability to be alone to work on himself. He is always in a relationship, whether it is casual or committed. He admitted to you that he has never been without a woman in his life. So, this is something that needs to be addressed, and he has to work on. Being in a relationship for him is like waking up and drinking water. He doesn’t take into consideration the other persons in the relationship, so long as his needs are met. And, you women have become disposable to him. Notice that even in a committed relationship he has a problem with being monogamous. Therefore, he has to work on his issues around fidelity, monogamy, and commitment.

Take the next three months and get pre-marital counseling. Why move forward if you don’t trust him, you’re angry, and you’re still hurting? Work all of this out before you commit to marriage, and your life with him. This is the second time around for the both of you, and you already told him that you were not going to put up with this type of behavior again, nor these childish games, yet, here you are putting up with this. He cheated on you once. After you separated he moved another woman into his home, and now she is pregnant. But, he wants to marry you, and make you his wife. Seems to me that though you may be the sane stable consistent woman in his life, but, you are also the rebound chick who is always there. It’s time you really take a step back and reassess this situation. – Terrance Dean

Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below! Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Dean:  loveandrelationships@bossip.com Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter: @terrancedean and “LIKE” Terrance Dean on Facebook, click  HERE!

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