We're Separated My Wife Wants A Divorce But She's Seeing Someone Else

Dear Bossip,

I’m 41 years old, and a father of 2 kids. I’ve been married to my wife for 13 years.

We’ve been separated for 3 years. A month ago, after 7 months of silence, she visited me and said she wanted a divorce. She’s been dating a man she’s hated all of the 13 years we’ve been together. Her ex-fiance.

She just changed her Facebook status from “separated” to “in a relationship” with that guy. Now, I feel disrespected, hurt, and sad that this is happening. She also lied about the time frame. Her FB status has a date of June 13, 2014. However, I was contacted back in March 2014 they were seen together at a ball game.

I agreed to the divorce, but I told her I did not want one. I’m true and honest to my vows, and if a divorce was wanted we BOTH should honor and stay true until the divorce is final. She has not. And of course she’s cheating (adultery). Now, I’m not dating, and haven’t dated at all the whole time we’ve been separated. That’s 3 years of still being faithful.

She does not like confrontation at all. That’s why my emails, texts, voicemails have been ignored. Even the ones regarding our children. So, I have counseling every week now, and I’m in a support group meetings every other week. I started a group of my own back in March after news of my wife’s cheating. It’s called, “Surviving A Cheating Spouse.”

I have shirts that on the front say, “My wife is still cheating on me,” and on the back, “Surviving A Cheating Spouse,” that I wear and I have not been questioned yet about it. Her family members won’t talk with me, and I don’t know why. It’s hard to tell if she’s told them some BS or what. I bought her two books, “When Parents Cheat,” and, “Adultery.” Any help on dealing, and surviving would be appreciated. Thanks so much for the time. – My Wife Is Cheating

Dear Mr. Wife Is Cheating,

Well, I’m sorry to hear about what seems to be a very painful experience and time for you with this divorce. The fact that you’re in counseling and in a support group appears to be the right steps you need to help you heal and to deal with this traumatic experience. I strongly encourage you to remain in therapy, and in a support group. I also recommend that you find a loving and nurturing support network with friends, your own family members, and a church.

I’m sure you can talk with your pastor, or someone in the church who can help you to deal with the spiritual self, and to help you manage some of the feelings you’re experiencing. I also recommend that you take a break from calling your wife, and her family, and to take this time to really work on you. Work on your anger, disappointment, and sadness. This could lead to other behaviors that can potentially be harmful, so seek out someone to talk with, and how to manage your feelings and emotions.

But, I do have a few questions, which you didn’t seem to reveal in your letter. Why did you and your wife separate initially? What caused the separation, and what led up to that point? Usually before separation there is some type of clues, or conversations around what’s happening in your marriage, and how to resolve the issues before you start talking about separation. So, what happened?

You also didn’t mention if during your separation if either of you were in counseling, or did you go to counseling together. Were there some type of communication between you and her during the three years, and were you attempting to reconcile and work on your marriage? Three years of being separated I’m certain there had to have been some conversations, discussions, or mediation on what to do about your marriage. And, you mentioned that the last 7 months she went silent and stop communicating with you. So, what happened? What happened in the last conversation or discussion you had with her that would have caused her to distance herself from you? I’m sure that married couples who separate and have children together still keep the lines of communication open for the sake of the children. If only to be cordial and to share the responsibilities of co-parenting. But, for her to stop all communication, and her family doesn’t even communicate with you leads me to believe that perhaps something went very wrong, and this has been a very bad separation, which has now led to divorce.

There are a lot of unanswered questions, and I’m sure you are working these out in therapy and with your support group. At least you have a place to vent and share your experiences of what’s going on, and how you are feeling. Yet, I’m concerned because although you in therapy and in a support group you are still exhibiting behaviors of someone who wants attention and control.

• You mentioned that you started your own support group despite you already being in a support group, and in therapy. Do you not feel support by your therapist or support group? Do you feel they are not hearing you? Why start your own group if you are already in a group?
• You created shirts indicating that your wife is cheating on you. So, you want the world to know what you’re experiencing, and you’re drawing this attention to yourself. You feel the need to tell your story and share your experience, so you’ve resorted to proclaiming it on a shirt. How does that make you feel when you wear the shirt? What are you getting out of it? Do you feel vindicated?
• You bought your wife books on cheating and adultery. What was the purpose behind this and why did you feel the need to buy her the books?
• You’ve reached out to her family and they haven’t responded. You’ve reached out to your wife and she hasn’t responded. No one is responding to you. So, do you think you should take a step back and look at the bigger picture? What are you saying when you call, text, and email these persons? How are you saying it? Are you looking for an audience or someone to listen to you as you vent about your wife who is cheating on you as you go through a divorce?
• You’ve now written a letter to this advice column seeking advice to the very things you are in therapy to resolve. So, you’re looking for a larger audience. You want us to entertain you and rally behind you and advocate for the faithful spouse whose wife is cheating on him.

Look, I’m sorry and I’m sure it’s painful. You’re hurting, angry, upset, and confused by all of this. Especially to learn that your wife is dating her ex-fiance, though, throughout your marriage she did not like him. However, after three years of separation, and there was no reconciliation on either of your ends, do you think that you should move on? Clearly your wife has moved on, and neither she or her family wants to communicate with you right now. So, perhaps you should take a step back. Take some deep breaths, and reassess your life. Take some time to get your thoughts in order, and stop reacting.

You mentioned you didn’t want a divorce. However, your wife doesn’t seem to think there is any attempt in reconciling or fixing your marriage. This is the time to focus on your children and co-parenting in a civil manner. Think of your children, and what they are experiencing as they watch this unfold between you and your wife. Also, talk with your therapist, or see if you need additional counseling. Your letter clearly demonstrates anger issues, control issues, and that you’re in denial. It doesn’t appear that nothing will ever be good enough to help you, the victim, in all of this. So, hopefully you will remain in therapy, stop harassing your wife as it this seems to be a very messy and finger-pointing divorce, and take the time to focus on healing, and addressing your issues. I know it’s hard and difficult to let go, but at some point you’re going to have to let her go and move on. – Terrance Dean

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