Dear Bossip: I'm 21 And have Slept With Ton Of Guys All I Want Is....

Dear Bossip,

I honestly don’t know where to begin. I’m writing this email to you all because I am an avid reader of your, “Dear Bossip” section.

Hopefully you all can spread some advice to me as well. I am beginning to think something is wrong — with me.

I am a 21 year old college student. I’ve never had a boyfriend. I had one “boyfriend” in junior high school, but that was a joke of a hookup that my (bully) classmates found comical. Every single guy I have ever liked, had a crush on, or slept with has ended with negative consequences. EVERY SINGLE ONE. My “body count” is 10 and I’m only 21.

None have been a serious relationship, it’s almost like I am a serial side chick or just not the type of girl men would like to be seen with or taken seriously. I have had encounters with guys one day, and then the next day they would walk right past me as if I never existed. Here’s my story.

I began having sexual relations (oral) when I was 16 years old. My father had passed the same year, so my need for a male replacement may have created my path of destruction. My whole life, my dad and I didn’t have the best father-daughter relationship. It was okay, almost as if he dealt with me just to say he was doing his “fatherly duties,” even though I never felt that fatherly warmth most girls feel around their fathers.

The first guy I had relations with was 19 years old at the time and I thought because of his age that he was mature-minded and someone I could build something serious with. I was wrong. After a petty argument, he decided to “put me on blast” a few months later, detailing our intimate encounters. The following year, I began to have intercourse with 4 other guys.

The first one “Raymond” is who I lost my virginity with. I was 17, and he was 20 years old. I had met him on Facebook, and I ended up chilling with him in his dorm room. During our first chill session, we tried to be intimate, but because I was a virgin, we couldn’t go through with it (it was painful!) A few weeks later, we finally went through with it and for about an hour I was on a high. It was the end of the school year, I had just slept with someone for the first time, and it was summer time! I was happy, but that happiness slowly faded and burned once I found out he had a long time girlfriend.

The next guy I was intimate with a few months later, also had a longtime girlfriend. Since then it has been guy after guy. Intimate encounter after intimate encounter. None have grown into a serious relationship or even a friendship for that matter. Some have had girlfriends, but have hidden that from me or dismissed the girls as “just friends.”

One guy I slept with “David,” I thought we had a casual friendship after our encounter. I called him one afternoon to see if he wanted to hang out at the mall or something. His homie answered his phone and said, “David said stop calling him” and hung up. I was so embarrassed. The most recent guy I hooked up with “Mike” is what led me to this email.

Mike and I met via twitter and we hit it off. I thought he was the sweetest guy, full of conversation and had an amazing body. We slept together and he promised we would link up again. I texted and called him, but after a few days I let it go thinking he would come back. I decided to check his IG to see where he had been only to find out he JUST got into a relationship with a new girl. Literally 2 weeks after we hit it off, he is gushing over this new girl.

The tears couldn’t stop. I’m just so hurt after all of this. I feel sooooo stupid. I feel like I fall way too easy. At this point, I’ve sworn off men. After all of these guys, I am cold. I look at other young women my age who gush over their “boos” and “baes” with envy. I wish that was me in the cute pictures on Instagram and family outings.

I’m just so depressed. I believe this is my karma for something that I have done in my past. I just don’t know why I can’t find love. I have NEVER had a guy fall in love with me or show me any type of affection outside of the bedroom. I’m tired of this revolving door of men. I just really want someone I can call my own. Any advice? – Lonely Girl

Dear Ms. Lonely Girl,

Soooo, how about you take a break from meeting guys on social media, and hooking up with them.

Yeah, that seems to me like a good idea right about now.

Look, I understand that social media is a way and means for you young folk to connect, talk, and meet one another. However, please keep in mind that it’s a SOCIAL media outlet, and most guys your age are not looking to meet up for long-term relationships, especially when they can gas you up in private messages, telling you things that they know you want to hear, and then they ask to exchange numbers and you immediately give them your number, which then leads to meeting at their house to “hang out.” Uhm, no!

Never go to a guy’s house to hang out. Never! Once they get to you to their home, it will never end well. They already know you’re easy, or a THOT! And, they will treat you accordingly. No in-house dates. Meet in public, and have at least several public dates before you take it inside intimately. Girl, slow down. Really. Slow the hell down. The hell you rushing for – you want to get pregnant and be someone random guy’s baby momma? You got too much going on for youself. Stop this –ish!

Sweetie, take a break and reflect on how your meetings have gone with these guys. Those guys were not really talking about anything, and they don’t have much to offer. They are young players looking to play. And, you get caught up as a pawn in the game because you’re perusing through walls and pages of friends and others seeing small glimpses into their life with their “boos” and “baes.” Remember, you are only getting a small glimpse and view into their life and relationship. You don’t know what’s really going on, and what they are going through with dealing with their partners. So, don’t fret over these SOCIAL media façade relationships.

Therefore, as a young woman in college, I urge you to focus on your studies. Focus on what you want to do after college, and achieving those goals. And, I recommend that you celebrate and love yourself because you are a 21-year old in college, doing something with her life, and you’re not pregnant, or someone’s baby momma after dealing with all these guys in casual relationships. And, there is nothing wrong with being young and having a child for those who do it well.

However, you don’t want to be some random dude’s baby momma, especially after you’ve met him on social media and you don’t know his last name. Take this time to focus on you. Work on you. Build your self-esteem, and know your self-worth. It’s not between your legs, and it’s not in laying down and sleeping with these guys. If they are not talking about anything, and can’t show what they are about, then you make the choice and say, “Uhm, he is not worth my time or energy.” You have to set standards and morals around the type of guys you want to associate with, and who you want to spend time with without sleeping with them.

Give yourself a six-month rule with guys. There will be no intimacy, sexual contact, or laying up in his bed until you’ve established within the six months that he wants something more with you. He has to show that he is really interested in getting to know you. I would have said three months, but these young boys will wait you out. So, six months is a good barometer.

Also, guys tend to show and reveal themselves within a week or so. Therefore, never ever go to a guy’s home or invite him to your home simply to “hang out.” NO! NO! NO! That will only lead to some touching, kissing, cuddling, and then BAM! You’re naked and wondering what just happened. So, keep it public as far as dating and going out. No alone time together in an intimate setting. If you go out on dates this will allow you the opportunity to really get to know him, and for him to get to know you. There is lots of talking, and seeing if he has goals, aspirations, and what his dreams are. How is he going about doing these things, and how does he see you fitting into this picture.

So, stop beating yourself up. You’re young, smart, intelligent, and beautiful. You have a lot going for you and you should be glad that you’ve learned these lessons early. You’ve read some of my other letters where even older women get caught up with these men doing the same thing you’re doing now. Pat yourself on the back. Find you some good girlfriends to hang out with, and go out and enjoy yourself. Stay focused on school, and join some campus organizations, and get involved with a group. Think about joining a sorority, and you will have a sisterhood of women who can support you and help you in the dating game, and give you sisterly advice. These are the best years of your life, so have fun and enjoy and not get caught up in these boys. You have better things to aspire to. – Terrance Dean

Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below! Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Dean:  loveandrelationships@bossip.com  Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter:  @terrancedean and “LIKE” Terrance Dean on Facebook, click HERE!

Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15); Hiding In Hip Hop (Atria Books – June 2008); and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!