Dear Bossip: My Friend Slept With My Ex & I Want To End Our Friendship

Dear Bossip,

I’ve been friends with this girl for 5 years, but my family and friends are telling me that our friendship is fake.

They say that she is only using me. This girl was never really the type of chick I would hang around. I was quiet and reserved and she was wild. When we first met we both had no job and were seniors in high school. I had a boyfriend while she was in a long distant relationship. She began a relationship with a relative of mine while she was in a relationship. My friend would always tell me how no good of a boyfriend the guy I was dating was. A few months went by and I dumped my boyfriend because he was a compulsive liar and a cheat. So, my friend thought it would be a good idea to get me out the house.

We went to one of her guy friend’s house and he was there with one of his friends. Long story short she ended up being intimate with the guy and tried to set me and his friend up, which was definitely a no-no in my book. His friend started complaining that I was acting like a child and that I was scared. He then asked my friend what was wrong with me and she said she didn’t know.

I decided to NEVER EVER go to any of her guy friend’s houses again because I was very uncomfortable and I hate to be set up with anyone. I started noticing that my friend would go out without me (to places like the movies, out to eat, to house parties). One of our friends told me that my friend said that I was boring and didn’t like having fun.

One day, she invited me out with her and her cousin and I went. We went to a party and actually had fun. I’m not a drinker, but I decided to drink that day. I kind of got beyond myself and drunk way more than what was intended. We went back to her cousin house and I passed out on a pallet. I was half awake and half asleep when I heard her cousin tell her to help me up in get me into a bed. She said, “No, she ain’t my problem.” Til this day she doesn’t know that I know what she said about me.

We call each other “sis,” and I never knew she felt that way about me. Me, being dumb overlooked that because I never really had friends. As a child I always moved around so it was hard to keep friends and in school I was always the, “Do my work and focus on my grades rather than making friends,” type of girl. I kept to myself and was considered a prude to most people because I never did what the other kids did (drink, smoke, have random sex, party ALOT).

So, when I met her she was like the total opposite of me and I guess that’s what made me really like her. Most of the friends I did have were because I associated with her.

One day, she came over and used my sister’s phone to get on FB and she forgot to log out. My ex-boyfriend was over because he was friends with my cousin and we were all outside kicking it. My sister called me inside and she showed me some of my friend’s inboxes to my ex. He was asking her did she know why I was distancing myself from him and could she talk to me and try to get us back together (which I never knew he was inboxing her). She replied that I was moving on and that I was trying to heal and that he should come over to her house and she would explain. The next conversation really shocked me. She inboxed him the next day saying that she really enjoyed being with him and that her bed felt different without him, he never replied back. She also made a status about how she enjoyed her night with this anonymous guy and when I asked her who she was talking about she replied, “No one sis.”

I put the pieces together and then knew she lied to me and had slept with him knowing he was still trying to win me back over. I never confronted either of them because I felt like they were both grown, single, and they could do what they wanted.

Now, 3 years later I am still friends with her, but I distanced myself from her (we talk on occasions and only kick it like once every 3-4 months). My ex recently got back in touch with me, not to get back together, but to check on me. We met up and had a long conversation. I asked him did he and she ever become intimate and he said yes, and that while we were together they were intimate behind my back. He said that he was sexually frustrated (I was a virgin and I made him wait) and that she came on to him and that’s how their relations began. He said that when he went over to talk to her it was to get insight into how I felt about him (we were each other’s first love; 2 ½ years invested and although he took my virginity I didn’t take his), and she came on to him and that he didn’t resist.

I’ve been there for her through her break-ups with guys, fall-outs with her family, and when things between me and my ex were going sour, she would encourage me to move on with life. On top of everything she called me once at three in the morning (by this time we were both working, had a car, apartment, and job) and asked me if I could travel to two cities over to give her a jump. I did. I called her and asked could she travel 2 blocks to give me a jump and she made every single excuse in the world as to why she couldn’t and eventually I had to pay to get my car towed to the shop.

She has falling completely off (keeps getting fired from jobs, keeps getting her car re-poed, bouncing from house to house) and I’m stable (been at the same job, place, and had my car for two years). My family says I’m better than her and should associate with people who want the same things out of life as me. Even though we don’t talk all the time something is telling me to just end this friendship because she wasn’t really my friend to begin with. What should I do? – Fake Friend

Dear Ms. Fake Friend,

I don’t really understand why you’re asking what you should do. Your relationship has already become distanced, and you don’t hang out or do anything together. You both are doing your own things. You rarely talk, and you know all these things about her, i.e., she slept with your boyfriend behind your back, she was inboxing your ex-boyfriend and your sister showed you the messages, she doesn’t care about you, and you’ve never counted on her to be there or do anything for you. So, I don’t understand what you’re having to end. It has already ended itself. She has eliminated herself out of your life. Let her stay there – OUT OFYOUR LIFE!

Stop calling her. Don’t take her calls anymore when she does call. Actually, delete her number, and block it so that it doesn’t show up when she calls and that she can’t get through. Then, delete her from your social media accounts, and just move on with your life. She has and was never your friend. Like your parents and friends said to you, she was only using you. For what? Who knows, but she wasn’t really your friend. Hell, she probably just wanted to sleep with your boyfriend. Regardless, you don’t need friends like that in your life.

This should be a lesson for you, and I hoped you learned from this experience. You have to be careful and practice extreme judgment in who you invite into your life. Everyone is not going to be your friend. Just as in relationships, when someone shows you who they are believe them. When someone tells you who they are believe them. Your so-called “sis” insistently showed you who she was, yet, you didn’t listen or pay attention. You kept giving her the benefit of the doubt. Why? Why did you feel the need to overlook and ignore her treatment of you?

Never be that desperate and thirsty for friends. Never! Folks like her will use you, abuse you, mistreat you, and just take, and take, and take. They use your kindness as a weakness. These type of relationships are negative, draining, and take too much energy to maintain. Why keep a friend around who can’t come two blocks to help you out in the middle of the night? Why keep a friend who sleeps with your man, regardless if he is an ex, and then she is smiling in your face? There is nothing about her that is faithful, trustworthy, or honest.

As you can see, her life is a mess, she can’t hold a job, she is from house to house, and sleeping around with various men. How is that productive, or positive? Why would you need that type of person around you or in your life? Trust me, she is doing you a favor by not calling, hanging around, or asking you to hang out.

Keep her out of your life, and you don’t even have to say anything to her. Your boyfriend confirmed everything, therefore, let bygones be bygones. Her misery is own her demise, and of her own doing.

I recommend you find positive, loving, and supportive networks, and friends to associate with. Go back to school, get your degree and find a career. Enrich your life by traveling, and doing things you normally wouldn’t do. Have fun, and enjoy yourself. It’s time to focus on you and do you. Both your ex-boyfriend and your ex-friend are two people you don’t need in your life. They’ve shown you who they are. Now, you can move on, do you, and live in peace. – Terrance Dean

Photo source: Shutterstock

Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below! Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Dean:  loveandrelationships@bossip.com  Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter:  @terrancedean and “LIKE” Terrance Dean on Facebook, click HERE!

Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15); Hiding In Hip Hop (Atria Books – June 2008); and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!