Dear Bossip: I Love My Wife, But In The Bedroom I'm Unsatisfied & Frustrated

Dear Bossip,

I’m a 32 year old male that’s been married for 4 years. So, here goes. I’ll try to put everything in the proper order so it all makes sense.

My wife is 3 years older than I am and our sex life is less than satisfying to say the least. I, too, like the letter from “Mr. High and Horny,” loved to smoke weed. On the other hand, I have completely stopped after getting married in 2010 – 10 years of smoking.

My wife and I didn’t have sex before marriage, but we seemed to both have the same level of desire for sexual intimacy while we dated. My situation may be different from other men because not having sexual intercourse or oral sex before marriage doesn’t give me much to go on as far as what we can expect after marriage. But, my wife doesn’t seem to like sex. I’ve tried to not take it personal, but how can I not. Here is what I mean:

First, she never initiates sex. When we first got married we lived in an apartment with thin walls, so that was her excuse for not initiating or having sex. We’ve since bought a house so that’s no longer an excuse. I can only remember 2 times in 4 years that she has initiated sex. Both times were after us not having sex for weeks and I was so sexually frustrated that she came to me after feeling bad and wanted me to stop being pissed.

Second, when we do have sex she just lays there. It’s like she doesn’t want to be having sex. She doesn’t move and doesn’t interact which makes me feel awkward and turned off. Now, the big “O” – She doesn’t please me orally either. I will perform oral on her, but getting her to initiate that or reciprocating it seems like a bother. It just seems like being intimate with me is a chore for her. Like housework that she doesn’t want to do. Every interaction of being intimate feels forced and unnatural.

Now, I’ve tried talking to her about it with no resolve. I’ve asked her what she likes and I’ve asked her to communicate during sex, but it hasn’t happened yet. We’ve read books about it like, “The Language of Sex,” and, even a few Karma Sutra books. I’ve tried adult movies to get her in the mood, and to visually show her what I like without her feeling pressured, “in the moment.”

Time and time again she says she will try and she will change, but still the same happens. Me, I am always initiating everything and her just being present.

It’s gotten to the point where I feel lonely, empty, unfulfilled, unwanted, unattractive, and damn near depressed. I’ve recently been flirting with other women to at least feel wanted by someone. Also, over the past 8 months to a year, I’ve started drinking. I haven’t and won’t go back to smoking, but it was a very good release for stress.

I’m totally out of ideas, and, unlike other men I don’t care to talk about it to anyone but my wife which seems to not be getting anywhere. In the end, I love her too much to cheat and self-pleasuring isn’t the same. I just don’t know what else to do. – Mr. Hopeful

Dear Mr. Hopeful,

You’ve done all you can do. You’ve talked about it with your wife. You’ve shared with her how you feel, what you desire, and what you need, and, though she says she will make the adjustments and work on it, she doesn’t. You’ve asked her to communicate with you what she wants, and what she likes, yet, nothing has changed. You’ve read books together, and even watched adult videos for ideas, suggestions, and even ways to get your sex life on track. However, that doesn’t seem to help.

Could it be, perhaps, that she doesn’t enjoy sex as much as you, or as much as she thought she would? Perhaps, she is not a sexual person, and you two are incompatible. You mentioned that prior to marriage that you and she had the same desire for sexual intimacy. But, that is very different from the desire to actually do the deed. There are lots of people who desire it, but the actual process becomes tedious, and work. They simply do not enjoy the actual act of it.

I mean, think about it, your wife has only initiated sex twice in four years. TWICE IN FOUR YEARS! That is not a clue that is a very clear sign that she is not interested in sex. She lays there and doesn’t move. She’s not engaged in it, and as you stated, it feels like a chore for her. She doesn’t reciprocate orally, and, quite frankly, she’d prefer not to be doing it at all.

It may be time to seek a sex counselor, or sex therapist. Something is going on, and your wife is not communicating with you what it really is, and it is now affecting your marriage. Speaking with a sex therapist will help resolve the issue that your wife has around sex. There may be some underlying issues that she feels uncomfortable saying to you. Perhaps your member is too large for her and sex is painful. Or, perhaps you’re not large enough, and she is disappointed and doesn’t feel satisfied. Either way, she doesn’t know how to have the conversation with you about your member.

Could she possibly be stressed from work? There may be something happening at the workplace that has her worried, and her focus is more on her career than in the bedroom.

Maybe, she doesn’t feel desirable, or physically attractive. I know some women who are uncomfortable with their weight and size and they do not like being naked in front of their man, regardless if they are married. She may feel fat, or she does not like her stomach, thighs, or breasts. If she is unhappy with herself, then being in bed will cause her anxiety. Or, maybe, she doesn’t find you physically attractive, and your weight may be an issue.

Perhaps she was sexually assaulted before, and the thought of sex is repulsive for her. Maybe she hasn’t recovered from the trauma, she never received treatment or therapy, and she could be experiencing post-traumatic shock from it.

Who knows what’s really at the core of her issue, but therapy will be best suited to help get to the bottom of this issue. You’re going to have to be more patient, and more understanding with your wife. You’re going to have to be her rock and her anchor. Yes, you also need support, and you need nurturing, so the two of you are going to have to work together as a team, a partnership. If you want to save your marriage, then you’ve got to work on yourselves, and make it better. This is not going to be easy, and it may take another few months, or a year to work through this. So, commitment, dedication, and love is going to be necessary, as well as supporting one another, encouraging one another, and listening to one another. There may be a resolve, or you may learn that you’re just not compatible.

You’ve done all you can think of by exploring several different options, even so much as being vulnerable in your communication with her, and expressing yourself. Now, it’s time to get a professional involved to help you save your marriage. Sex is one of the biggest factors people get a divorce. And, it’s because people are either sexually incompatible, and they don’t know how to express it. Or, their sex life becomes so unbearable they begin cheating, and once infidelity begins there is no stopping it. Sex affects your money issues, your emotional and mental well-being, and ultimately your home. As you mentioned, you’ve begun drinking, and that will only exacerbate your issues. It’s time to get to the root of this immediately. Four years is a long time to be sexually frustrated, and you’ve begun flirting with other women. Get help today before you’re in another woman’s bed seeking release and satisfaction. – Terrance Dean

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