Dear Bossip: I Think My New Boyfriend Is Bi or Gay, But He Denies It

Dear Bossip,

I’ve been reading your “Dear Bossip” column for a few weeks now, and I finally have the courage to reach out to you for some advice.

I’ve met a seemingly great guy a little over three months ago, and we’ve been in a relationship for nearly three weeks. He’s in the Navy as a medic, and he owns his own home and seems to have a pretty stable life. This was attractive to me because I saw maturity and a sense of security especially since he’s so young. He’s only 24 and I’m 25 years old, and he’s great.

He takes me out. He bought me an expensive birthday gift and other gifts on the side. He doesn’t pressure me about sex, and he is comfortable about waiting six months for our first time. In fact, I was secretly thinking that 4 months would be long enough.

But, one day we were on the subject and he said he would imagine a girl of my caliber making him wait 6 months. I haven’t had sex in a year and a half, and the last guy was my ex of 6 years. So, I don’t care about waiting that long. It did kind of strike me as weird that he was willing to wait that long. On top of all that, he’s attentive, caring, and even makes me laugh.

Initially, he asked me to be his girlfriend on our second date and I thought that was weird. But, that’s not the weirdest thing about him. One night, we were drinking moonshine (that stuff is 100 proof) and got f’d up!  He drank way more than me and he even popped a Xanax. So, I took this opportunity to test his sexuality. It’s important for me to be confident in my partner’s sexuality and to know that he only wants women!

But, anyways, I started playing with his a** to get a reaction, but his reaction wasn’t what I wanted. He actually let me play with it! I was rubbing his cheeks, making them clap, even pretending that my finger was going to go in his a**hole. He just stayed back and kind of laughed it off. He barely resisted, if he resisted at all. He was smoking a cigarette and set it down, and at one point he even adjusted himself for me to have better access to his crack!

I was alarmed and also not in my right mind completely, so I decided to give up for the night. When I woke up at his place the next morning it was all that I could think about! I couldn’t shake it! That morning I put this theory of playing with his a** to the test again. He was on his computer and was stretched out on his stomach. So, I thought this was the perfect opportunity to play with his a** while he was sober.

So, I pulled down his pants and smacked it, rubbed it, and even put my finger in his crack! (I needed a serious reaction at this point) He did nothing!!! I even put my finger to his nose and he said it smelled like booty, like it didn’t even phase him! So, I decided to have a serious conversation with him about what took place that night.

I asked him if was he bisexual, and did he like foreign objects in his a**, or did he prefer to be penetrated by a male? Then, he asked me was I really questioning his “manhood,” and I responded with, “Did you really let me play with your a** crack?”

I did try to give him the benefit of the doubt since he was f’d up on drugs, but now he was sober! So, I continued to ask him and he wouldn’t give me straight answer at first. He eventually said he wasn’t gay or bisexual. I asked him why he let me do all of those things to his butt, and he said because he knew I was going to do it anyways even if he didn’t like it. I told him that if he was bisexual or gay that it was okay, and that I needed to know. He continued to say he wasn’t either.

I’m not going to lie, I continued to do my research. So, I went on the prowl for gay adult movies in his phone and laptop internet history and didn’t see any, but straight adult rated movies. He admitted to watching adult rated movies 3-4 a week (I think it’s more), but even with that I’m uncomfortable with because of how I was raised (I’m not saying I’m a saint. It’s just something that stuck with me). Is my too-good-to-be-true dude gay? I know you’ll give it to me straight and that’s all I’m asking for! – Is My Good Dude Gay

Dear Ms. Is My Good Dude Gay,

Ma’am, if you have to ask, then get out of this relationship. If you are uncomfortable and you’re not sure, then get out of this relationship. If you are questioning his sexuality 3 weeks in, then get out of this relationship. If his extra-curricular activity of watching adult rated movies is too much for you, then get out of this relationship.

I swear you all make these things more difficult than they have to be. It’s not that difficult. It’s not that hard. End it, get out of the relationship, and move on with your life. Why stay in a relationship and you are questioning his sexuality, and you don’t feel comfortable? Why stay with someone and they enjoy watching adult rated movies way more than you would like, and it doesn’t sit well with you? I swear I don’t get it. If you see potential signs this early in your relationship, and you’ve addressed them, but you still do not feel comfortable or at ease, then get the hell out!

Some of you will stay in these relationships with the questions, speculations, and concerns in the back of your head, and won’t say anything, and every little thing your man does you question it, and become concerned with, or, you start trying to justify it, and dismissing it. Stop it! Stop all these games, and creating drama for yourselves. Who has time to be going through all this madness when you clearly don’t feel that your man is straight.

If you suspect him of being gay, and you’ve played in his a** while he was drunk and sober, then I am sure you are not the first woman who has. I’ve addressed this issue many times, and I will say it again, many men enjoy having their salads tossed and they enjoy anal play. This particular area of the man’s body is an erogenous zone. You can look it up online, and read some books on the subject. It’s sensual to a man, and some men really enjoy it, while others do not.

Does this mean that your man is gay? No! When you questioned him and he told you that he was neither gay or bisexual, and you don’t believe him, then get out of the relationship. You snooped through his history on his phone and laptop and did not find any gay or bisexual adult themed movies, but a lot of straight adult themed movies. So, now what? That is not a signifier if he is heterosexual or gay, or bisexual. I know many gay and bisexual men who prefer straight themed adult movies.

So, I recommend that you ask him if he enjoys anal play from a woman, and why. Ask him if he has ever had his salad tossed by a woman or a man. Ask him if he has ever allowed a woman to put her fingers inside him, and if he enjoyed it. Ask him to tell you what he enjoys sexually, and what he finds pleasuring. Ask him if he would consider allowing you to put on a strap-on and penetrating him. But, at this point, he may either tell you no to all of these questions because he now knows that you are suspicious of his manhood. Or, he may be honest and tell you the truth.

Again. Not all anal play for men does not equate to him being gay or bisexual. The area and region between a man’s legs, and beneath his ball sac, and into his anal area are erogenous zones. Touching, grazing, licking, and caressing these areas gives tremendous pleasure to a man, and a lot of men will allow a woman to play in these areas. Some men won’t.

If it bothers you that he lets you play in his a**, and you are uncomfortable, and you’re questioning his sexuality. Then, please get out of the relationship. If you are not satisfied with his answers, and he doesn’t make you feel comfortable with his answers, then get out of this relationship. Why spend another month, or several months wondering and questioning his sexuality every time you’re together, or he’s away. Save yourself the headache, the drama, and the anxiety. It’s not worth it. – Terrance Dean

Photo source: Shuttershock

Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below! Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Dean:  loveandrelationships@bossip.com  Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter:  @terrancedean and “LIKE” Terrance Dean on Facebook, click HERE!

Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15); Hiding In Hip Hop (Atria Books – June 2008); and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!