Dear Bossip: While Dating For Years I Learned He Married Someone Else

Dear Bossip,

I found out in November 2013 that my ex whom I had known for 6 ½ years got married to someone else in November 2011.

However, all the while he was still telling me he wanted to marry me and have children.

I met this man in 2006. At the time, we worked in the same community. We went out to lunch a couple of times and we talked over the phone. Eventually, he stopped calling me for six months which was not a problem because we were just associates. Plus, I explained to him that I was not interested in dating a guy with children and I got the feeling all he was looking for was sex because he asked me one evening if we could started dating because he had not had sex in so long he was about to exploded. I informed him it sounded like he was looking for a hooker not a girlfriend. He laughed, but he did not call again until 6 months later.

In 2008, I agreed to go on a date with him. After our second date, he started talking about marriage. I told him to slow down because we needed to get to know each other better. He told me he did not want to grow old alone. I admitted I had trust issues and I shared this information with this man. He appeared to be a nice guy and very attentive. He called to make sure I made it home. He opened doors. Most of my family and friends loved him.

However, my dad and my uncle (who was dying of terminal cancer) disliked him. My uncle even advised me that this man was not the one for me and that he was no good. I did not place much credence in my dad and uncle’s opinion because I believe it to be based on the fact that I am an attorney and my ex was a loss prevention officer at Target.

I had a very stressful job during this period and often worked late. My ex began to accuse me of being with other men and not working. He became paranoid that I was talking to his neighbor over the telephone. He stole my cell phone to check to see if I had contact with his neighbor. I broke off the communication. However, my ex explained that in past relationships his exes cheated on him.

Eventually, I gave him another chance. I assured him I was a one man type of woman. I told him that I loved him. But, I explained my work was important and that I needed my job. However, he continued to complain about my job and made remarks about me and my male co- workers.

In 2010, I decided to resign from my job because it became too stressful. And, I thought my resignation would make my ex happy. I took another less stressful position. I told him I loved him and that I wanted to meet his mom and children. He told me I would be able to meet his daughter, but not his son. I was curious about why I could not meet his son (I questioned my ex). But, I backed off because my ex had advised in the past that his son had accused him of not doing anything for him. I did not want to make my ex feel bad about the possible conflict with his son.

My ex began to distance himself at this point. So, I decided to talk with him about what I was sensing. I told him that I loved him, wanted to be his wife, and that I wanted to build a life which included having children. However, I let my ex know that if he had found someone else or if he did not love me anymore I would just move on and we could be friends. He was evasive and told me that I was being insecure and that if he had a woman she would be helping him with his bills.  He told me he loved me; but, he was having a hard time financially. I knew he changed jobs and was having to use family members’ vehicles or pay others to take him to work.

I did not see him much because he did not have transportation and he had money issues. I did not question this until he informed me that he would not be able to make it for Christmas holidays in 2011 (he knew this was important to me). He claimed that he was unable to get gifts. I told him gifts were not necessary that I just wanted to spend time with him. He claimed he could not borrow a vehicle to come up during the holiday. However, he got a vehicle prior to Thanksgiving holiday. He picked me up and I got a chance to briefly meet his mom. This was the first time I had seen here face-to-face (I had talked to her over the phone). However, his mom gave me a funny look. I asked my ex about this and he claimed his mom was legally blind.

I let him know I loved and wanted a future with him. I offered to help him work out his finances.  I encouraged him to starting his car detail business and to go to school for physical therapy. Yet, he seemed distant. In April 2012, he was seriously injured at work. He was out on worker compensation from that point on. He told me he moved in with his mom. During this period he called in the evenings. Often times, I would speak with his mom. However, he advised me that he could not stay with his mom forever because she lives in government housing. However, I did not get to see him often (he always said he did not have transportation).  I did not want to make him feel bad by pressuring him about not coming to my home (we lived about 2 hours apart).

We continued to be intimate throughout this period. In September 2012, he came up with money and went with me and my family on a cruise. I felt terrible about not trusting him because surely he would not introduce me to his mom and go on vacation with me if he were with another woman. I was wrong.

I could not shake the feeling he was not being honest. Ultimately, I found an identification card with a female name on it in a vehicle he told me belonged to his sister. I did not mention finding the ID. I checked the female and my ex name with the probate office in his county. I found out that my ex had been married to this lady in early November 2011 before I met his mom. He and his wife were staying with her grandmother.

I confronted him with this information. He denied it. When I showed him proof, he said, “I know what I did and I know who I am with now.” He said to me that his marriage had been annulled. I told him I did not believe him and I did not care. I asked for an apology. He accused me of never loving him and told me that all I wanted was for him to pay for dinner and movies. He accused me of turning my family against him by telling them he was married. He told me never to contact him again.

I feel so stupid because I let myself be used by this man. And, then he throws me away like trash. I have never opened up to or invited any other man to meet my family. I really loved him and denied what my gut was telling me…thinking it was just my trust issues. I don’t think I will ever be able to trust anyone again.

I feel something is wrong with me. I mean the woman he married is a convicted felon. She has two children by two different guys. One of her sons, the son’s father is in jail for life for armed robbery, and the other son is being raised by her mother who lives in a different state. What’s wrong with me? What did I do wrong? Is this just how men behave (maybe it’s the Venus/Mars effect)? I mean I bared my soul and share secrets with this man. I told this man how I felt about him, but never pressured him to feel the same or even say he loved me. But, he still lied. Why didn’t he apologize? Was that asking for too much?

My brother told me that I should be grateful because I avoided a bullet. He said that all men lie; but, he believes the denial to his face with the proof of his lies is a sign of mental issues.  But, he was a very considerate person in the beginning. At the end, he treated me cold, laughed at me and like I was an enemy. Any insight would be appreciated. – What Happened

Dear Ms. What Happened,

Your brother is right. You should be glad, grateful, and jumping over the moon that you dodged the bullet. Be thankful that you did not end up married, or pregnant by this fool. You should be excited and elated that you did not become his victim, and a part of his deception. He’s a liar. He’s a pathological liar at that.

Keep in mind that he has been and had been lying to you throughout your entire relationship. He kept you in the dark, and never once allowed you to get close to him. He kept you at a distance, and I hope you can see this now.  Notice that he didn’t want you to meet his mother. And, when you did it was very brief, on Thanksgiving, and you didn’t meet her again. Yet, you’ve been dating this man on and off for years, and you met his mother once, only in passing. That should have been a clue.

Then, he tells you that you can meet his daughter but not his son. Huh? You can’t meet his children, and then, you can only meet one of them and not together. Something isn’t right. He fed you a lie that his son accused him of not doing enough for him so there is tension. Okay, if he is not actively involved in his child’s life, then why would you want to be with a man like this anyway? And, I’m sure his son would have loved to spend some time with his dad. So, that was a lie. There was something else going on and he lied to you and you let it slide.

A man who is evasive about letting a woman meet his family, friends, and those who are important to him is hiding something. Never, never, never continue dating a man and you haven’t met his mother, family members, or his children. If he is keeping you from meeting his family it’s either because he has another woman whom the family knows him to be with. He’s married. Or, you are not the woman he is really serious about, and he is using you. He will tell you anything, come up with lies, and even make you feel paranoid or untrusting of him. It’s his tactic to keep you away from his personal intimate life. He’s hiding something. He’s lying to you. He’s deceiving you. End the relationship and get out!

But, I don’t understand why this man with a job has no car. He’s asking family members and friends to borrow their cars, yet, he can’t put a down payment on a car? He can’t find something to get around in? Then, when the holidays roll around all of a sudden he can’t get to you, or make allowances for the time to spend with you. He uses the excuse that he doesn’t have any transportation. Uhm, really? He knew the holidays were coming. Why not plan in advance?

It’s because he was already married, and he lied to you to keep up the charade, and he had to spend the holidays with his wife. Therefore, you were always the side chick. You were always the jump off. You dated a man who lived 2 hours away. He never had transportation to get to you. He always had money problems. He lost his job because of an injury and had to move in with his mother in government housing. But, you stated that you and he were still intimate. Now, if you were to reflect over this relationship, and notice the patterns, the conversations, and how I just picked apart his argument and his lies, then you will see that he was always leading you on. He was always deceptive, and manipulative. And, he kept you around for sex. You were not his girlfriend, but his side chick.

The fact that you caught him in his lies, confronted him with the evidence, and demanded some answers and an apology doesn’t surprise me that he would accuse you and attempt to turn the tables on you. He’s a wimp. A low life. He’s a scumbag. A man that is unable to face his lies, and not apologize for his behavior and what he’s done to you is not a man. He’s a boy. He’s unable to take responsibility for his actions, and the damage he’s caused to you. Therefore, be thankful you learned the truth. Be thankful you did not end up giving him more of yourself, and more of your life.

It’s time for you to heal, and move on, and to get into therapy. You should talk with someone who can help you as you move on, and talk this out with. You do not want to build a wall between yourself and other men. You can’t judge all men based on this loser’s actions. What he did is indicative of his behavior. Not all men are like this. Therefore, just know that you did nothing wrong. He was always a liar. He was always someone who was deceptive and manipulative. He has issues, and they have nothing to do with you. Do not beat yourself up, and do not take responsibility for his behavior and how he treated you. He was never faithful, honest, or trustworthy.

I would recommend in the future that you do not ignore your instincts and your gut feelings about men. When something is not adding up, or it doesn’t make sense, then interrogate, get answers, and demand the truth. Do not settle and do not dismiss your feelings. They are there to guide you and to help you. You gave this man many chances, and you knew something wasn’t right. Instead of holding on you should have stopped, reassessed the situation, got to the truth, and re-evaluated your relationship. Take this as a learning lesson. It was valuable to learn and now you know what to do, and what not to do in the next relationship. – Terrance Dean

Photo source: Shuttershock

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