Dear Bossip: My Boss Says Inappropriate Things & I Want To Take Action

Dear Bossip,

I have an amazing job as a medical sales rep that makes me a wonderful income.

I am a very attractive black woman and my boss is also a very attractive blonde white woman. We should get along great, right? The problem is I get the feeling that I am more intelligent and qualified for this position than she’d like me to be. Dealing with her is so hard because she’s one of those very fake white people that smile at you but are passive aggressive at the same time. She uses snide little remarks and shady low key actions to discredit me daily.

I’m the only black person in the department and she has implied to me that she only hired me for affirmative action reasons stating things like, “I really wanted an SBG (sassy black girl) for this position plus honestly we were about to get in trouble for having no blacks in the company.” (I’m the only black person in my department and one of only 2 black people in the whole company, but the other black person works in a different office location as an Admin Assistant). See what she did right there? Really? I’m not “sassy.”

At the work place I speak my proper English and my grammar is far superior to hers judging from our written communication! I am very qualified for this position plus I have a Masters degree in Bio Chem from a great school. I feel like she’d like me more if I was the stereotypical ghetto black best friend side kick or something from the movies.

My account clients love me and I am the top performer in the company. She makes my life unusually hard and brings me to task over little things that nobody else is usually asked about. She is always trying to find fault in me. For instance, our whereabouts are tracked on our company phones. She has brought me in front of the big boss numerous times claiming I veered off schedule at one point or another in my day during working hours and all times I have been able to prove that I was actually still working. She gives me a lot of attitude when we’re alone, but is sweet as apple pie when we’re in front of everybody else or in any written communication. I respond by doing my best to kill her with kindness and have learned to curse her out in my head while I smile and be very courteous with her.

I’ve never snapped at her or been rude or anything, but I think we are both very aware of the fact that we don’t like each other. I almost get anxiety when I know I have to ride along with her or meet with her for a briefing. I feel like she’s just pushing my buttons hoping that I react one day and then all of a sudden I will be the angry black woman.

It’s hard being the only black person in my office. It kills her to credit me for anything. If we go out on the field together and she notices men staring at me instead of her or women complementing me or wanting to talk with me more because they genuinely like me, especially if they were her former clients (I took over her accounts) I always dread the attitude and “punishment” she’s going to give me because of it in the form of extra scrutiny and bitching over nothing.

It’s so obvious that she wants me to fail. I’ve been at the company for half a year and just got promoted to senior account executive. It’s so hard working with someone who wants so obviously for me to fail while she’s supposed to be the person I report to. It’s not like anything I’ve ever dealt with because she doesn’t make it obvious to anyone else so I can’t tell anybody else.

She’s tried on numerous occasions to low key sabotage me. For instance, she will refuse to communicate something only she knows about a patient or doctor that’s key then swoop in and save the day claiming she told me about it and I must have forgotten. She’s been there longer and is not known to be forgetful so if it happens often enough, then it must be me, right? I can’t prove she’s lying.

I am not about to lose this job over her, but I’ve just about had it with her. I love this job. I’m finally making six figures and it’s my dream job. There’s so much more that I can go into, but it would be a lot. I just wanted to know from you and your readers how to handle this and keep my job and keep prospering. Sometimes I feel like I want to lash out, but I can’t because despite all the faults, she is also very good at her job and an asset to the company who’s been there longer than me and I’d never want to look petty to our bosses by approaching them with this for obvious reasons.

How do I keep my cool and handle this? She’s also made some racist remarks like, “You’re so different. Honestly, most black people are so lazy and unmotivated and I’m so glad we got you.” Or, “You’re so different from other black people! I love how you keep fit and are not into big butts.” And, ‘You’re honestly the prettiest full black girl I’ve ever seen.” Huh? News flash! There are plenty of beauty brownies in this world bish.

Or, she’ll say, “You’re so lucky your boyfriend is white. Black men gross me out.” WTF? My father is black, bish, and I love him! I met my boyfriend in college and fell in love with him for who he is, not his color! Grrr! I would love him just the same if he was black. These backhanded compliments that insult me, my people and my race at the same time are so hard to take because I know if I took it to upper management she’d deny it and try to make me out to look crazy or something.

Don’t get me wrong, I have definitely put her in her place every time she’s brought these things up in the most classy intelligent way possible while biting my teeth and keeping my cool and boiling inside. This last week, she pops her head in my office during office day with her fake smile and says, “Hey, I’m going out to get Popeyes. Want some?” That’s the only time she’s ever offered to get me lunch and she suggests Popeyes. Go figure. I’m black so I must love friend chicken.

How come she never offers me her salad wraps or sushi? She also gossips about me with other department heads trying to make them dislike me and they don’t really know me yet, so, God only knows what they believe.

The only thing saving me is that I work my butt off and I am consistently the top performer. If it wasn’t for that I bet I would be out. I’ll walk into the room sometimes where she and everyone else (usually the other women) have been talking and they’ll get all quiet and exchange fake hellos with me and stop talking. We have mostly white and Latina women at our office. When she’s not around I get along with them great, but when she walks in something changes and suddenly they are more cold. Like, they are afraid to show they like me.

I live in the Bay Area, Cali by the way. So high school! I feel isolated and alone sometimes at work because of her, but thankfully, I only have to report to the main office twice a month for team meetings. Like she’ll do petty things like engage everyone in the room in personal conversation except me, so I just sit there quietly looking like the bish who doesn’t want to mingle or something.

How do I deal Terrance? I honestly wish we could get along because I have nothing against her as a human being. Plus, I have learned a lot from her watching her work, but I am only human and can only take so much. I feel like she’s racist, but like most modern day racists, will not do anything directly to your face to out her as an obvious racist. Like, the type who always accuse black people of playing the race card.

I think that when she hired me, she had no idea I would do so well at my job, despite my qualifications. As she said, she wanted a sassy black girl and I’m anything but. I’m so afraid of compromising my job because of this foolishness. I know I have a bright future at this company and she’s threatened by it, but I’m only human and I’m afraid I might break and go full on angry black woman on her, but that’s what she wants.

I’m still relatively new and I’d like to stay in this company for at least five years before moving on to another one that is very hard to get into, but I would like to eventually join after the experience here. I’m a woman with a plan that needs to not go wrong. Sorry for the long mail. What do I do? – Frustrated Career Girl

Dear Ms. Frustrated Career Girl,

I truly am sorry and I feel for you. No one should work in or endure any of this type of treatment in the workplace, or in life. This is deplorable.

First, your boss IS racist! There is no thinking, probably, or maybe about it. She is racist. The comments she has said to you and about you are purely someone who is racist. The reason she gets away this behavior is because no one will call her out on it, and no one will report her because everyone is afraid of her, and, or, others may feel and think the way she does. So, an environment that condones this behavior is complicit. You have a choice and you have to begin to act today.

Second, you don’t deserve this treatment. Nor, do you have to be subjected to this type of behavior, and anguish. The feelings that you have of anxiety when meeting with her, and your anticipation of being “punished” for your work, or being dragged into the big boss office like you are some child to scold you in front them is harassment, mental anguish, and emotional abuse.

So, this is what I need for you to do. Just like you wrote this email, and documented everything. I am going to need for you to document everything in writing. Keep a journal and diary of everything she has said, or done to you, and how it’s made you feel. Date each entry with a time stamp. Write down everything!! And, I mean everything she’s said and done.

Then, I need for you get into therapy. Yes. Get into therapy. I am sure your company offers and covers therapy sessions. You will need this as your backup because you want to go on the record that you had to receive therapy for her treatment against you, and the anxiety it made you feel, as well as the mental and emotional abuse you felt working with her. Share all of this with your therapist in your sessions.

Next, record every meeting you have with her. Turn on your laptop or desktop and record every encounter. Actually, turn on the recorder in the morning and turn it off when you leave for the evening. But, make sure it is always on and recording so when she “pops” in and makes little statements like “You want some Popeye’s?” Or, she makes other racists comments or remarks it will all be recorded.

Also, whenever you are meeting with her in her office, or out in the field, take your cell phone with you and turn on the recorder and record all conversations. Do not engage her in her racists taunts, snide remarks, or berating of you. Record these encounters, document them, and save them.

Lastly, keep all email correspondences as your paper trail. Whenever you say something, do something, or respond keep it extremely professional. If you need clarity on something put it in writing, and ask her to reiterate what she is asking of you, and to be explicitly clear. Always put everything in writing, and I would blind copy your personal email, or a friend so that you have a record of this documentation. Tell your friend to not respond to you or the email thread, that is the last thing you need for them to do. You can discuss it later over dinner or drinks.

One more thing, ask your clients if they can provide letters stating their satisfaction with your work and their experience working with you. Ask them to share in a letter any major accomplishments, or ways in which they have dealt with you that have made them excited to be working with you and your company. Basically, you want praise letters for your work. And, I would recommend that you ask those whom which you feel extremely confident that they can write a letter in favor of your work. Get as many as you can, and put them on file for your own records.

Once you have compiled enough information, recordings, and journal entries, then go to your human resources person and file a complaint of racism, and employment harassment. Call the EEOC office and make an official complaint with them, and begin the process as well for racism, employment harassment, and a hostile working environment, including that you are therapy. Also, find an EEOC lawyer in your area and provide them with all your recordings, journal entries, diary notes, emails, and other things you’ve collected. Then, call your local NAACP office, and let them know what’s going on as well.

One thing you don’t want to do is get into a situation where it’s her word versus your word. And, especially when you don’t have any documentation or anything in writing to verify what you are accusing her of. This is why you are documenting everything. This is why  you are recording all your conversations. And, it is important that you have your therapy sessions, and therapist on hand as evidence that you are suffering from anxiety, mental anguish, and on the verge of an emotional breakdown. I can tell from your letter that you were on the verge of tears, and how this woman is treating you is causing you to doubt yourself, second-guess your work, and the strain it has on your working environment. This is why you should be in therapy and dealing with this and getting it out and discussing it instead of holding it in. You will explode and it will not be cute.

And, yes, when you report this, and it becomes public knowledge folks will be upset with you at your job, and others will applaud you and will side with you. What’s important is that you look out for yourself, and know that you do not deserve to work for someone who demeans you, degrades you, or makes you feel less than. You don’t have to put up with this behavior, or any person who feels their white privilege gives them the authority to speak or treat you any type of way. Stand up for yourself. And, you don’t have to be rude, or yell, or scream or become “sassy” to get your point across. You do it through the channels that are available to you, and the same channels they will use against you to get you out of the company. Use the master’s tools to dismantle the master’s house. You can do this. You got this. And, let your family, boyfriend, and loved ones know what’s going on. You will need their moral support, love, and encouragement. It will not be easy and many in the workplace will accuse of you some vile things, and others will rally to support you. And, you may have to consider changing companies, or the company may stand behind you and recognize they have not been aggressive in hiring more minorities of color. At the end of the day, you are standing up for yourself because you do not deserve, nor do you have to put up with some racist woman in her white privilege berating you and others. This is about what’s right, and standing up for the the injustice and discrimination you are experiencing. Now, hold your head up and get to work on what you need to do. – Terrance Dean

Photo source: Shuttershock

Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below! Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Dean:  loveandrelationships@bossip.com  Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter:  @terrancedean and “LIKE” Terrance Dean on Facebook, click HERE!

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