Dear Bossip: We've Been Together 7 Years But He Won't Marry Me

Dear Bossip

I have been in a relationship for about 7 years with my kid’s father.

We have been back and forth with each other during those years. We got our own place and decided that we finally wanted to stay together. We put all of our time and effort into our responsibilities, kids, work school, etc.

He comes home late from the gym (has his own gym) on the weekends. He will train some of his clients for half the day then come home. I am the one cooking, cleaning and taking care of the kids while having a full-time job. I have expressed many times that I feel like a single mother while being with him. He always says that he will make more time for us and help around, but he never gets to it.

I have been hinting on the marriage part, but he thinks that we are not there yet, even after 7 years. We have emotionally disconnected from each other. We say that we want to be a family and make it work, but my question to you is should I keep fighting for my family or should we agree to separate if we are unhappy? – Ms. Risking It All

Dear Ms. Risking It All,

Ma’am, you are a single mother. He is not there physically, emotionally, or mentally. Honestly, He is a live-in baby daddy.

For 7 years you have been taking care of him and your children. For 7 years you have been cooking, cleaning, taking care of the kids, all while working a full-time job. You ask him about marriage and he tells you that even after 7 years you and he are not there. Well, you tell him to live in his gym. You tell him since you’re not there yet and he doesn’t want to be married, he can’t continue to benefit off your back, work, and commitment.

Honey, 7 years later and he still doesn’t want to marry you. Uhm, why are you there again? If you’re both miserable, emotionally disconnected and you’re the only one fighting for the family, then at some point you have to recognize this is not working and you have to put an end to the misery and unhappiness. You have to save yourself and your children.

He is not committed to you or your family. You’ve asked him to help around the house and to spend more time with you, but he doesn’t. He fails on his commitment and promises. He is more committed to his clients and gym, which I understand, considering he is a small business owner. However, if he can be that committed and dedicated to his business and clients, then why not his family? Aren’t you all just as important, if not more so, than his clients and gym? If you can handle it all, then why can’t he?

There are no more excuses for him, his behavior, and his actions. You’ve given him 7 years of your life. You’ve given him children. You’ve taken care of the home. But, he won’t marry you.

You can sit around and wait until “you are there,” or, “when he feels the time is right.” But, in all honesty, he is not going to marry you. Why? You’re giving him all the benefits of a home and family without him ever having to put a ring on your finger, and making you his wife.

So, instead of sitting there in an unhappy home, a miserable situation, and an unfulfilled relationship you make changes. You decide the future for yourself and your children. And, you start today. You tell him it’s time to separate. You need to focus on your own health, wealth, peace, happiness, and sanity. You cannot live with someone who doesn’t contribute, only delivers on empty promises, but wants the full benefits of a wife and home. Sorry homie, it doesn’t work that way.

You start planning for you and your children. You let him know that you cannot continue being a single mother with a live-in baby daddy. You need a husband. A partner. A lover. A friend. If he can’t be any of those, then you can’t be them for him. You have to put yourself and children first. You can no longer wait dormant for him and when he decides it’s the right time to marry you. You can no longer wait for him to contribute, or participate in the family he helped to create. Sorry. Your ship has sailed, and it’s time for you to do you. – Terrance Dean

Photo source: Shuttershock

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