Dear Bossip: I Don't Like My Husband's Kids & I Don't Want Them Around

Dear Bossip,

I am really hoping to get some insight and not feel like I am alone or wrong in this situation.

First off, I married the love of my life in the fall of last year. He’s a wonderful man, etc. But, the one thing that has been looming in our relationship is his three children. He has been in a constant battle with their mother in typical BMD (Baby Momma Drama), and it’s not a good place.

I don’t know why my maternal instincts won’t  kick in for me to just accept them, but I do not have the desire or need, and neither do I want to be around them. As soon as I hear them I am ready to be gone!!! I disappear. I pick up hours at work, and I have even succumbed to staying at my parent’s home just so I don’t have to deal with them. And, they are good kids, a bit rough, and developmentally slower than most kids. However, they are still babied and I hate that.

They have physical appearances issues as well (cross-eyed, etc.), and I always tell my husband he baby’s them and that it’s gonna hurt them in the long run. But, all of this is from their mother that they have these issues. I believe, though not proven, she tried to end her pregnancies and they survived. So, now they have to suffer. I think it is a combined issue of them and their mother. And, you know she is not a fan of me.

I love my husband, and, yes I knew about the kids before, and, yes I interacted with them, and, yes you marry into the children, too. But, where is it written you have to enjoy them or you have to love them? I do have a child, and I am worried of their interaction because the last time my son said something about his son’s eye and a major argument occurred. I can’t help what my son says. He is stating the obvious, as kids do. He wasn’t teasing his son, he just asked what is wrong his eye.

And, I would never want to have a baby with my husband because I will not put my child through the drama of, “Oh, you can do this for her baby and not mine. Blah, blah, blah.” I just don’t know what I can do in order to make our blended families better. Am I completely wrong in feeling the way I do? – I Don’t Like His Children

Dear Ms. I Don’t Like His Children,

I’m curious. Why did you get married? Seriously. Why marry him and you knew that you didn’t like his children, and you didn’t want to be a blended family? Why get married? And, you say you don’t want to have any children with him, so what was the purpose of getting married? Was it financial? Was it to say you have a husband? Was it to gain a father for your son? I’m just curious as to why marry someone, yet, you don’t want all that comes along with them, even their children.

It’s sad and pathetic that a grown a** woman is further making young children feel neglected, unwanted, and undesired. The fact that you claim these children have physical differences, and may be developmentally challenged, and that they are probably teased and made fun of at school, and are made to feel like outsiders by others, that you, the woman who married their father is doing the very same thing that they experience on a day-to-day basis. You’re the worse!

Those children cannot help how they look, and the other challenges they have to endure. They don’t need grown a** adults making them feel unwanted and undesired. They need love, and lots of it. And, that is probably why your husband baby’s them, or he makes them feel special. They need attention and not to be abandoned. They need love and happiness. Why make them feel worse than they probably already feel? Why don’t you want to be a blended family, and bring them into your household and make them feel great about themselves?

You’re truly a nut case. You are making those children feel bad about themselves, and they are probably wondering why you’re never around, and why you never spend time with them. They will grow up to resent you, and you will become the evil stepmother. And, it’s because of your prejudices against the way they look, how they are babied, and their possible developmental issues. I bet if the children were beautiful, and didn’t have any challenges mentally or emotionally, then you would be all open arms and wanting to show them off, and accepting them into your home.

Let me ask you this: Are you jealous that your husband has a bond with his children, and you’re upset that your child’s father is not a part of his life? Are you bitter that your husband spends quality time with  his children and makes them feel special, needed, and love, and your own child’s father does none of that? I noticed you didn’t mention your child’s father being in the picture, and if he has a presence in your son’s life. So, maybe you’re envious that your husband hasn’t abandoned his duties as a father, and your son’s father is in typical fashion, BDD (Baby Daddy Drama).

But, you’re right. It is not written anywhere where you have to accept his children. You don’t have to love them. You don’t even have to like them. But, the fact that you married him, and you knew full well that he had children, then the common courtesy and the common decency will be for you, the adult in this situation, is to not make them feel unwanted or unloved. You are a mature grown adult and you can tolerate them for however long they are visiting or staying at your home. He is your husband, and those are his children, therefore, you inherit his children just like he inherited your child. How would you feel if he walked out of the room every time your child came in and wanted to spend time with him? How would you feel if your husband never wanted to engage your son, never wanted to be in public with him, and didn’t want to be around him? How would you feel?

And, you have to teach your child to be respectful and to have manners when engaging other children who look different, or act different. Yes, he’s a child, but you have to engage your child and teach your child how to respond and treat other children who are different from him. What’s sad is that he is only repeating your behavior and he will grow up to be like you. And, when he gets older he will have the same prejudices and act nasty and mean just like you. Train your child to be a better person, and to be a better human.

So, I’m going to leave it up to you on how to behave and conduct yourself with your husband’s children. I’m going to leave it up to you on how to be a bigger woman, an adult, and not treat children differently and like outsiders, who cannot help how they look and their developmental issues. You don’t have to love them, but show them love. You don’t have to like them, but show them they are special. You don’t have to always want to be around them, but spend some quality time with them. And, for the sake of the children, who didn’t ask for any of this, don’t you act like a bullying child who doesn’t want to play with them or allow them to play with your toys. You set the example, and you set the tone. Be a better woman, and I’m sure your husband will appreciate your efforts. – Terrance Dean

Photo source: Shuttershock

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