Dear Bossip: I Cheated & Had A Baby, But My Wife Keeps Bringing It Up

Dear Bossip,

I cheated on my wife before we got married and I take full responsibility for that.

We separated 6 months after marriage for differences between us, as in she did not want any more kids, the bill’s, and etc.

I was no longer cheating, so when we got back together we found out the woman that I cheated with had a child and she’s mine. I took a DNA test to solidify it. My wife said she forgave me, but we’ve been arguing over this for the past 2 years until this day.

Right before she said she wanted no kids with me I lost everything. Me and my mother ran a business that went bankrupt when the economy went bad. My wife stopped wearing her ring and started partying more. She stayed out late and did not tell me where she was going. She was not talking to me, so I left.

We reconciled, but we are still fighting like cats and dogs over the past. I’ve truly learned from my past lesson and I expressed that to her, and I’m sorry for the hurt. But, I’ll be damned if I abandon my child. She wouldn’t do that for me, so I don’t know what else to do in this situation. She says she doesn’t want a divorce and she wants us to be a family, but I’m mentally tired of reliving my past. – Tired Of Reliving A Mistake

Dear Mr. Tired Of Reliving A Mistake,

So, you cheat on your fiancé right before you got married. Then, the woman you cheated on your fiancé with has a child, and you learn the child is yours. You’re now married, but six months into the marriage you separate. Hmmm, and though you moved on and are no longer cheating, it’s two years later and you’re still fighting over your infidelity, and you want your wife to get over it and let it go. Oh, okay, good luck with that.

You got a lot of nerve talking about you’re tired of reliving a mistake that you created. Miss me!

I’m just curious to know why were you cheating? What was the purpose considering you were engaged to be married? And, why would you have unprotected sex with another woman and then come back to your fiancé and sleep with her? Please explain your rationale for your behavior. (Sips tea) But, hold up, you even professed your love and honor to your wife in front of family and friends at the wedding, but all along you had another woman on the side who was pregnant with your child, and you really expect your wife to let it go and move on? SMDH!

She may say she is over it, but she is not and she will not let it go. You got another woman pregnant and had a child. And, since you stated that your wife said to you that she wanted no more children, this leads me to believe that you and she already have children together. So, therefore, you had an outside child which she now has to bring into your family and every time she looks at that child she will be reminded of your infidelity. She will be reminded that you were sleeping with another woman right before you got married. She will be reminded that you lied to her, cheated on her, and deceived her. And, you really think that because she says she’s over it that she really is.

You are all types of trifling, and low down. What you did was the ultimate betrayal. You led her into believing that things were well between you and her, and that things were great, and that you truly loved her (which you probably may very well do). However, you were having an affair and even walked down the aisle as if nothing was happening or going on.

Now, let’s say the woman never got pregnant, or that the woman never told you she was pregnant, then, you would have never come clean and your wife would have never found out. You would probably go out, cheat again, sleep with other women, and continue doing what you’re doing because your wife had no knowledge of what you were you doing. You got away with it, and like most people who cheat and feel they are getting away with it, they continue doing it until they are caught. Now, that you’ve been caught, and all hell has broke loose, you want to profess your monogamy, commitment to your marriage, and how you’re no longer cheating, but it’s too late. The damage has already been done. You were trifling then, and she feels you’re still trifling. You should have thought about all of this before you stepped out.

So, your wife doesn’t want a divorce. Well, Mr. Doesn’t Have A Clue, she wants to make you suffer. That is why she separated from you for 6 months. Trust me, all the other things were minor compared to the infidelity. She didn’t want to be around you or see your face. It also explains why she stopped wearing her wedding ring, and why she was going out and partying and not telling you what she was doing and where she was going. She wanted to make you experience what it felt like to wonder and guest and speculate over what she is doing, like you made her feel.

She is not going to stop either. She is going to make you go crazy. And, she will always throw it up in your face that you cheated on her before you got married and had another child with another woman. Because the truth of the matter is it’s a fact. You did cheat. She is not going to let it go. She will always bring it up. Regardless of how much you profess your love, your commitment to her, and your commitment to your marriage. That doesn’t matter to her. What she remembers and continues to experience is the hurt you made her feel. The embarrassment you brought to her. She will always tie what you did to her to her special day, and how you tainted her wedding day. She stood there happy and ready to marry you, but all along you had a secret. She is not going to let this go.

You have two choices: 1.) Get into marriage counseling. You have far more issues than just your infidelity. You stated there were differences between you and your wife before you got married. And, the fact that you separated six months soon after, well, you and she have a lot of unresolved issues that need to be worked out. This marriage was doomed from the beginning, and it will destruct if you don’t work out all of these issues. Hell, it destructed and blew up once she learned of your cheating and the other child.

2.) Get the divorce. She is not going to let go of what happened. You may want to move on, and you want to be a part of your child’s life. But, your wife may not want to have the other child around as the child will be a constant reminder of your cheating. And, your wife isn’t interested in resolving your issues, she wants to play tit for tat. Your marriage was destroyed before it ever began. And, you played a major role in that. Yes, you accept responsibility for it, so be man enough to walk away and know that you F’d up. You destroyed your relationship, your marriage, and your family. Let her go so that she can heal. The longer you stay the more she hurts. She will eventually move on and she will eventually get over it. But, if for two years later she is still bringing it up and she is still fighting with you about it, then she has no plans on letting you forget what you’ve done to her.

This should be a lesson learned. If you’re trifling and cheating on your fiancé, then obviously you shouldn’t be getting married. Love is not replaceable. You can’t do dirt, and then not expect for it to come back and bite you in the ass. You made your bed and for all the wrong reasons. Sorry, no one is going to give you any sympathy. Now, give that woman her peace, her joy, and her happiness and you either get into marriage counseling, or you walk away. – Terrance Dean

Photo source: Shuttershock

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