Dear Bossip: My Fiance Is 10 Years Older And He Keeps Bringing It Up

Dear Bossip,

I have a conflicting issue with my fiancé. We have been together on and off for about ten years.

There’s a ten year gap between us, which isn’t a problem for me. But, his oldest child is only a few years younger than me, and when I say that I mean less than ten years. Although, it doesn’t matter to me, I think it seems to bother him because he brings it up often.

We have two small children together, so on the one hand, I’m ready to tell him, “If it makes you feel some type  of way about it then we can stop  this now and that will be the end of it.” I don’t feel like I want to go to that extreme because I do love him and he loves me. We have a very secure relationship and we have a family now. So, at this point I feel like it’s too late in the game to throw in the towel over petty –ish.

Am I over thinking it or do you think I’m right about the way I feel? And how do I go about bringing it to him in a way to have him get past it once and for all? I find that his kids and family pick with him over it as well, and because of this I don’t make much effort to interact with them either. It’s not that I dislike them I just choose not to put in the effort. And, he’s fine with it because I honestly think he’s uncomfortable with it.

I can only imagine what your word of advice is for this one, but I’m prepared and ready to listen. Sometimes it’s easier to get advice from a complete stranger rather than a person that knows you. The most genuine advice I’ve received in my life came from a perfect stranger. – Ten Years Younger

Dear Ms. Ten Years Younger,

Well, he certainly didn’t have a  problem with your age when he got you pregnant, TWICE, and you had his children. So, you’re good enough for him to lay up with, have sex, make babies, have a ten year on again off again relationship, but he keeps throwing it up in your face that you’re younger than him, and you’re a few years older than his eldest child.

Uhm, I’m sorry, but I’m confused. What the hell does your age have to do with any damn thing? Why is he stressing over a ten year difference? He knew this going into this relationship, so why all of a sudden it’s a problem? And, why is he letting his family and kids dictate his relationship? He’s a grown ass man and he’s letting them joke and jive about his relationship with a younger woman. Chile, miss me. They are just jealous of him, and I’m sure all the men in his family want someone younger as well. The women are just mad that you probably make him better, and you look good and therefore you make him look good.

So, I recommend that you talk with him. Have a serious conversation once and for all and be done with it. I mean get down and dirty with the conversation and address every nuance, detail, age discrepancy, and age difference. Let him know how you feel. Tell him that it doesn’t bother you, and that you love him for who he is. His age has nothing to do with it, and neither should yours. Also, ask him to express why does it bother him that you’re younger than he? Ask him if he loves you and wants to marry you, then should it matter what his family and kids think? He is marrying you and making you his wife. Also, what is the real reason and root of his issue? And, I truly suspect and believe it is his family and kids. Because they continue to bring it up, joke about it, and make fun of him, then he has developed a complex and issue with your age. He is allowing what they say and do to affect him, and that is not your issue but his. He has got to learn how to do deal with this as a grown ass man!

Look, at the end of the day, folks are going to talk. So, let them talk. If they can’t talk about your age, then they will find something else to talk about. It can be you’re too thin for him. You’re too beautiful for him. You make more money than him. You aren’t married yet. Your hair wasn’t looking right the other day. Your kids are spoiled. The point I’m making is so freaking what that you’re ten years apart. Let ’em talk. Hell, freak him so good in the bedroom, so that they will be talking about how good you put it on him. LOL!

And, peep this: At least you are the one stable constant in his life, especially since he’s no longer with his children’s mother/s. Therefore, his kids may be upset that you are around and he’s in love with you and not their mother/s. Jealousy amongst the children will arise because it appears he chose you over their mothers.

I also suggest that you tell your fiancé he has to address his kids and family and he needs to let them know that they have to respect you, him, and his relationship. He is going to have to speak up and say something and handle this. If it makes you uncomfortable, and you don’t like your relationship and age difference being the topic of discussion, then, as your fiancé and your future husband, he needs to handle this immediately. He needs to tell them that it’s not a joke, and it’s no longer funny. It’s becoming old and tired. Everyone knows you’re younger than he is, but the fact of the matter is that he found someone to love, and if they had any damn sense they would hope to find someone they could love, and to grow old with. Simply, he needs to put his kids and family in their place.

Lastly, make small efforts by engaging with his family and kids. It’s obvious that he is close with them, and they have some type of family bond. He needs to be more intentional with you and his family interacting together, peacefully and lovingly. And, you have to make some efforts on your end. You will inherit them, so you can’t keep running from them. – Terrance Dean

Photo source: Shuttershock

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