Dear Bossip: He Cheats & I Forgive Him, But I Cheat & He Wants To Leave

Dear Bossip,

I have been in a relationship now with this guy for 15 years. We have two beautiful children together.

In the first 2 years of our relationship he cheated on me, and we fought, but I loved him so we worked things out. Well, two to three more years go by and I had my son. Just as I thought things were great he did it to me again, but he cried and said he wanted his family. So, we worked things out.

I know in my heart he has done it to me maybe another 2 more times. Fact is when he cheated the second time and I was trying to get over it I went back to school. In the process I met someone and we became friends. Friends led to another thing and I stared cheating on my boyfriend with this person. However, it’s been over a consecutive number of years I’ve been cheating on and off.

My kid’s father recently found out and he is very upset with me. He is threatening to leave, which I can’t blame him. But, how is it so far-fetched that he did that to me and it’s like water under the bridge, but, now when it comes to me doing it he is pissed. Two wrongs don’t make a right and I know that, but over the years he has not been a great companion. It has been like I do not exist.

I am wrong, but I am so confused as to why I am now the bish when the same thing was done to me in the past. Is it the fact that it was for an extended amount of time, or he is just hurt? Please help me with an answer to figure out about his reaction. – P.S. Yes, I know we should have been married after all these years. – Don’t Understand Why He’s Mad

Dear Ms. Don’t Understand Why He’s Mad,

Your boyfriend, of 15 years, who is the father of your two children, a man you’re shacking up and playing house with,  and you’re giving him all the benefits of being a family without being married, well, sweetie, the reason he is mad and upset is because you weren’t supposed to cheat. You were not supposed to be out in the streets doing what he had been doing to you over the years. He wants to claim he is the only man that is sleeping with you. He feels you’re his property, and he owns you and that only chicks he screws are hoes and you’re not a hoe. You’re not supposed to be a one-off, but a good girl. He’s upset because another man was getting his time, your attention, and laying up with you. You gave your heart and energy to another man, and were doing it for a while. He’s even more upset that you’ve been doing it for years, and he’s just learning about it. So, he feels duped, deceived, and just plain dumb that you got one over on him.

Does it make it right what you did? No! Why cheat? Was it to get back at him? Was it because you were lonely, and you wanted some attention? Why did you step out and cheat? If you were doing it for a number of years, then why not leave your boyfriend? Why stay in a relationship that is unhealthy? You even stated that your boyfriend has not been a great companion, and it’s like you don’t exist. So, if you don’t exist, and he is not a great companion, what is keeping you there? Ugh! Please spare me the “I love him” line. That is not enough. The man has been cheating ever since you got together. HE DOES NOT LOVE YOU! HE LOVES THAT YOU ARE THERE WHEN HE NEEDS A PLACE OR SOMEONE TO COME HOME TO!

Ma’am, clearly he doesn’t love you, because if he did he would not have stepped out on you, and he would have married you by now. So, don’t give me that damn line about how much you love him, and how he cried and said he wanted his family. Both of you are lying. He doesn’t care anything about you or his family. He’d rather run the streets and be single, but you’re giving him a place to lay his head at night. You’re cooking, cleaning, and keeping a home, and you’re doing everything a wife does in a marriage, but you’re doing it for a man who only considers you as his girlfriend.

So, why invest in him if he is not willing to invest in you? Girl, bye! That is why you stepped out and started cheating because you know in your heart that you and he will never be married. He will never be faithful, and the reason you stay is because of “the kids.” You want them to have a father in their life. You don’t want to be a single parent raising two children alone. You don’t want the embarrassment of saying you left your man because he never considered making you his wife after 15 years. You don’t want to be single, and being with him is comfortable and familiar. Therefore, you cheated to make yourself feel better about yourself. You cheated because you got tired of him getting away with it, and you wanted to retaliate.

Besides you don’t want to be there anyway, and you want it to end. The beginning of your letter you state that you’ve been in a relationship with “this guy” for 15 years. You then later say, “my kid’s father.”  You don’t claim him. You and he have no relationship status other than “this guy” and “kid’s father.” Just like you’re “this girl” and his “children’s mother.” He is just some guy, the father of your children, and you’d rather it was over and your relationship ended. As matter of fact, it’s not a relationship. You’re two people cohabitating and living together.

If he is threatening to leave, then let him leave. He needed an out anyway. Now he has one. Let him go. He doesn’t want to be there. He is throwing a tantrum and hissy fit because you cheated  on him, but he’s been cheating since you’ve been together. However, he’s really mad because you’ve been doing it for years, and he had not one clue about it.

Look, the relationship is damaged. It was damaged since the beginning. You procreated and created children to save a relationship that was doomed from the beginning. The children can’t make you two stay together. It obviously didn’t get him to marry you and make you his wife. So, what other reason are you there? At some point you’re going to have a make a decision to be an adult, stop acting young, and do what is right for you and your children. Playing house is not a house. Playing married is not marriage. After 15 years and you’re still calling him your boyfriend, and both of you are cheating, then it’s truly time to reevaluate your relationship, and consider walking away. – Terrance Dean

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