Dear Bossip: We're Getting Close, But She's Unaware I Slept With Her Man

Dear Bossip,

I’m faced with a dilemma and my conscious is eating at me.

A couple of years ago I moved to a new city, and when I first came out here I didn’t really know anybody. Well, finally one of the few associates I did know felt it was time for me to hit the town and get to know some people.

So, one weekend we attended a get together and I was introduced to a few guys and girls. As the night went on I was told this one guy in particular was feeling me. I played it cool and thought okay, I’ll get his number before I leave. Well, it wasn’t long before his girlfriend showed up (Yes, his girlfriend).

This girl was all over the place. I was introduced to other females that night who were pretty cool, but you could see this girl was a mess, and by the way people side eyed her they knew it too. She was loud and obviously drunk, but nonetheless I was introduced to her. It was one of those quick smile, “Hi, how are you” introductions.

I kept cautious because ole girl seemed a little rough around the edges, and lawd, was I right! By the end of the night she and the dude (her boyfriend) ended up getting into a big spat where she put on a show in the front yard. She even put hands on him scratching up his face. He ended up having to flee the get together to diffuse the issue and the party came to an end. But, it wasn’t long before the person I was with got a phone call asking us to come chill across town and continue the night drama free.

When we arrived it was a few familiar faces I was introduced to earlier and some new. I saw the guy with the girlfriend issues and he approached me apologizing for the “BS” and he claimed she was just a young chick who he was dealing with. Waving her off he said he wanted to know what was up with me though. So, we chit-chatted and ended up retiring to a back room for more “private convo.”

Now, let me say at this point I haven’t had an encounter of the sexual kind in months, and you know with me not knowing anyone and being in a new town and what not. So, as we talked and things escalated it became physical and that night we ended up having sex. After that we kept in contact and he would even look out for me financially, even though we only had sexual relations one time after that night.

Almost a year goes by and while I’m out partying with a home girl I bump into his girlfriend again, who just so happened to know the chick I was with. It was kind of awkward, but at the same time I didn’t care that I screwed her man because I owed her nothing. I didn’t know her, plus, he and I almost never see each other.

I was surprised to learn though they were still together, and I can’t even explain how awkward it was when she called him over to reintroduce us asking if he remembered me! All I could think was, “Oh, trust, he remembers me.” As time passed, I found me and her in each other’s company more and more popping up at the same clubs and knowing the same people. She and I actually began to get cool.

We chilled out more and more and became home girls ourselves. She even looked out for me in a time of need and we became kind of close. When I first met her and seeing her behavior the first thing I thought was, “bird,” and the second was, “ratchet.” But, getting to know her she’s actually pretty decent, as long as she doesn’t turn up too much! I kind of really like the girl, AND NO, me and her man haven’t been together since me and her have been friends. In fact, it’s been a little over a year now since me and him hung out.

I don’t wanna tell her because part of me knows that will be the end of our friendship. To add to the drama she found out she was pregnant a little while ago and that makes things a little more crazy. He knows we hang out and I get the vibe he doesn’t like the idea at all, but he has yet to say anything to me and that’s fine. I rather keep me and her friendship over what me and him had anyway. But, at times, when she confides in me and tells me their problems it’s weird. It’s a little uncomfortable especially when she tells me about his cheating and messing with other chicks.

I don’t even give advice because I feel it’s not my place to talk! I just listen and sympathize, but ugh! I don’t know if to tell her about what me and him had (which was really nothing), or leave it alone, or just wait to burn in hell. LOL! I mean, I know I’m not an angel in the situation, but I slept with him before I knew her, or felt like I owed her anything. I haven’t been with him in a while, but I just don’t know how to move on with this situation especially since I see me and home girl getting closer. Am I wrong? – I Slept With Her Man

Dear Ms. I Slept With Her Man,

SMDH! You are the one who got played. And, you got a lot of nerve calling her a bird and ratchet. You are the bird, and you’re ratchet.

You are new in town, go to a party and someone tells you that this guy wants to meet you, but his girlfriend shows up and she’s wilding out, and they get into a fight, however, you end up at another party the same night and run into the same guy, and he explains she’s a young girl he’s dealing with, but he wants to kick it with you. So, you go into a back room for more “intimate conversation,” and because you hadn’t had any sex in a while you end up having sex with him that night.

I’m sorry, who is the bird? And, who is ratchet? You saw them fighting at a party, and you knew he had a girl, so why would you get involved with him? What private or intimate conversation did you need to have with him and felt the need to go to a back room? Obviously they have some history, or something serious going on if she felt the need to confront him at the party and then put hands on him (which I don’t condone). But, something else was going on, and you are not privy to it, therefore, you should have politely told him, “Sorry, I don’t get involve with drama. I don’t get involve with men who have girlfriends, especially dangerous and violate girlfriends.”

But, he played you, and gave you some bull-ish line about her only in order to get what he wanted from you. And, he got it. You were an easy lay, who gave it up on the first night. And, he screwed you again, gave you money, which you took because that’s what prostitutes do. Oh, I’m sorry, why are you screwing a guy and taking money from him? Please don’t tell me that you were pimping him, and using him. You knew when you slept with him and took his money that he had a girlfriend, but you continued to do so. What caused you to stop, I don’t know, but you were in the wrong regardless if you knew her or not. Why sleep with a man who had a girlfriend? Let me rephrase it better for you because I know it isn’t clear enough for you – Why would you knowingly sleep with a man and you know he has a girlfriend?

So, now, here we are and you’ve developed a friendship with his girlfriend, and you’re calling yourselves home girls. Well, since you called her a bird and ratchet, and she has tendencies to fight and be volatile with her boyfriend, then, this leads me to the conclusion that the saying must be true, “Birds of a feather flock together.” And, then you have the nerve to sit up here and say that she helped you out in a time of need and you became close.

Now, let’s back up a few sentences where you said that when you started bumping into her at clubs and you two started hanging out, however, you didn’t care that you screwed her man because you owed her nothing, and you and her man almost never see each other. Yet, when you needed something she was the one who helped you out. Therefore, you were comfortable enough to accept her assistance and help, from this same bird and this same ratchet woman, but you slept with her man, took his money, and you don’t feel you owe her anything because, well, you and she were not close at the time when you slept with her man. Oh, okay. SMDH!

You are not a friend. She is not your home girl. And, I don’t think you should pursue this friendship with her. She is pouring her heart out to you about her man and his cheating ways, and now she’s pregnant by him, and you’re acting like you’re really concerned about her, but you were one of the women he cheated with. Then, you are bragging that you keep your friendship with his girlfriend over his head as a way to have something over what you and he had, especially since you get the vibe that he doesn’t like the two of you hanging out. Again, tell me who is the bird and who is ratchet?

If you were really concerned about your budding and developing friendship with his girlfriend, and you really liked her, then why are you plotting and conniving and using your friendship with her over him? All of a sudden you have an allegiance to her? What happened when you didn’t care or felt you didn’t owe her anything? You are not her friend. Stop lying to yourself and to her. You are only using her. You like her drama and her ratchet life because you are drama and you are ratchet.

Do you tell her, no! But, she is going to find out eventually. Someone else will tell her. Whatever is done in the dark will always come to the light. But, I do recommend that you do not get any closer with her, and that you start the process of hanging out less and less with her. You’re not really interested in being her friend. She is someone to gossip and get all the drama and street dirt that you thrive for and need. So, when she calls stop taking her calls. Make up some excuse that your job has asked you to work more hours. You can’t hang out on the weekends because you got other things to do. When she brings up her boyfriend in the conversation change the topic, or get off the phone. Or, tell her that you don’t want to talk about her relationship. But, getting close with her will only be more damaging, because once she learns you slept with her man and he gave you money, she is not going to be a very happy person and she will turn on you. – Terrance Dean

Photo courtesy: Shutterstock

Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below! Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Dean:  loveandrelationships@bossip.com  Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter:  @terrancedean and “LIKE” Terrance Dean on Facebook, click HERE!

Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15); Hiding In Hip Hop (Atria Books – June 2008); and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!