Dear Bossip: He's In Love With Someone Else, But I Keep Fighting For Us

Dear Bossip,

I’m reaching out because I’m with a man who may still be in love with someone else.

I’ve been with my boyfriend for 7 years and we have a 5 year old together. We just recently moved into our first apartment.

About 3 years ago I found out he was talking to some girl and it was going on about 3 months after I had birth! Since the baby we haven’t been getting along, but I never thought he would fall in love with someone else.

She’s only known me to be just the BABYMOM. As soon as he goes to jail she’s hitting me up telling me he doesn’t love me and he’s only with me for the sake of our son. She even has his family on her side hating me. She tried to piss me off and she put a ring up on Facebook, as if he proposed to her. His family comments saying they’re happy and that his (dead) mother would be so proud. They have a bunch of pictures on her page of them looking all happy, but he can’t even take a picture with the mother of his child? He won’t take family pictures with us, and it’s a problem.

He said he doesn’t want her to see it and get her feelings hurt, but he can sit here unbothered about mine. There was even a time she tried to jump me because she found out we were moving together and he was siding with her. After that he continued to keep their relationship going and it hurt so much because his loyalty was to her. But, again I took him back!

We moved in together, but someone is still in the picture! I had enough and told him to get out and leave me alone. He said no, and that he’d do anything to have his family. I told him to get rid of his phone and he did. Weeks go by and we were doing good for once on our own, but then he calls me by her name! Then, he tries to justify it.

It hurts so much. I gave him everything – a family he never had. He lost his mom when he was young and now it seems like I’m just taking her place. I love him so much, but after he fell in love with her I can’t seem to get him back. I feel like I’m waiting around for him to tell me he wants to be with her. I always try to get over it. I hate this girl for making me feel like this. I hate him for loving her and treating her way better than me. I try to keep it together for our son’s sake. I want marriage and a bigger family with what I started with him. Please HELP ME! – He’s In Love With Someone Else

Dear Ms. He’s In Love With Someone Else,

Let him go!

Move on!

Why be with someone who doesn’t want to be with you? I don’t understand that logic. You can’t make someone love you, choose you, or be with you if they are in love with someone else. Stop being his option!

Put him out of your home and let him go be with the other woman. You are spinning your wheels trying to get him to love you, be with you, and commit to you when his head and heart is with someone else. There is nothing you can do. He’s gone emotionally, mentally, and physically.

It’s sad because in your letter you stated you, “gave him everything – a family he never had.” You were trying to fulfill a void in his life, and that is the wrong reason to be with someone. So many women get caught in this trap with men, especially with men who don’t have mothers in their lives. You want to be that woman he turns to. You want to show him that you support him, and you will encourage him, and nurture him through his hard times, and when he feels alone in the world.  Sweetie, that is not a relationship. You’re trying to be his surrogate mother. And, as you acknowledged, that is exactly what you became. Instead of being his woman, his girlfriend, you have become this surrogate mother taking care of a man, pouring your love onto him, and doing for him, but he wants to be with someone else.

Besides, he was never really yours from the beginning. If you learned he was seeing another woman 3 months after you gave birth, and your child is 5 years old now, and you’ve been together 7 years, then, that means after 2 years of dating he was ready to go. You probably only had one good year of dating, but after you became pregnant in year 2, it seems he realized that you were not the woman he wanted to be with. Something happened in your relationship during that time when things went downhill, and that is when you should have left him.

Do you realize that you’ve been fighting for a man for the past 5 years to stay with you and to be with you? You have spent all your energy and time on “their” relationship, and trying to get him to be actively involved with “your” relationship. Girl, let him go. End it and move on and save yourself the drama, stress, and aggravation.

She’s posting photos of them together on Facebook, but he doesn’t want you to post any photos of you and your child with him because he doesn’t want her to get mad. Then, his family is co-signing her bull-ish, and their relationship, but they don’t support you. He’s called you by her name, and he’s still seeing her. I mean, come on! Why are you holding on to this relationship? Why are you fighting for something that he clearly doesn’t want to have with you? He’s going to tell you any and everything, but the reality is that his heart is with someone else. He wants to be with another woman. So, why are you allowing yourself to mistreated, used, and emotionally abused?

You want him to choose you, and you want to be a family with him because you feel that you’ve invested in him and this relationship. Therefore, you feel he owes you something. You feel he owes you his heart because you have given him your heart. And, you want him to see you as the good woman you feel that you are. Well, if he can’t and doesn’t recognize that, then it’s time to move on, and stop investing in someone who is not investing in you and your child. He’s not and will never be the man you want him to be. He’s searching for something and unfortunately you can’t give it to him. Don’t spend another day, month, or year wasting your time on him when he clearly doesn’t want to be there.

Grow up, get a backbone and stop letting him lay up with you and another woman. Stop letting him have the benefit of having his cake and eating it too. Stop giving him the satisfaction of knowing he has somewhere to lay his head, and someone to do and everything for him. Stop being his surrogate mother, and end this relationship, and put him out. You’ve given him enough of your time, energy, and space in your life. It’s time to do for you, and your child. It’s time to stop being his doormat and letting him walk over you. He’s already chosen who has his heart, and it’s not you. Now, it’s time for you to choose you, and do you. – Terrance Dean

Photo courtesy: Shuttershock

Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below! Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Dean:  loveandrelationships@bossip.com  Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter:  @terrancedean and “LIKE” Terrance Dean on Facebook, click HERE!

Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15); Hiding In Hip Hop (Atria Books – June 2008); and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!