Dear Bossip: He Blames Me For His Drug Use, Depression & Violent Outbursts

Dear Bossip,

I’ve been with my boyfriend for 13 years. We were 15 when we met. We have three kids together.

Our problems started 8 years ago when I first cheated on him after the birth of our first child. Ever since then we’ve been constantly fighting. But, things seem to have gotten worse when he started smoking weed about 4 years ago. It seems that ever since he started smoking our fights have gotten physical and he just went downhill.

He lost his job two years ago because he began to show up to work late and he would always argue with his manager. Ever since then I’ve been the main provider for my family.

He blames me for him smoking weed. He says because I cheated on him that’s why he’s depressed. I feel so bad and I have so much guilt, but I don’t feel that what I did justifies the way he continues to treat me.

Our fights have gotten very physical. When he’s sober he gets violent with me, and then he’ll get high and he’ll be so much calmer. He’ll act like nothing happened, but I’ll still have a grudge and things just don’t get better.

We also argue because of sex. He wants sex everyday and I don’t. He makes sex feel more like a job for me because I know if I don’t want it he’ll get mad. So, most of the time we have sex just so that I won’t piss him off.

We just recently got into a fight because he says I don’t pay enough attention to him. But, he’s so aggressive and violent, and it’s not just with me he’s that way with everyone in his family. I left to stay with my mom and I’ve been ignoring his calls, but I love him and I do want to be with him. But, I’m so tired of feeling scared and tired of taking care of someone who has the capability of taking care of themselves. I feel so bad and guilty because I left him and he doesn’t make much money and he doesn’t have a car to get to work. I need advice. I don’t know what to do. – Tired Of Being Tired

Dear Ms. Tired Of Being Tired,

Don’t stay. Don’t go back. Don’t feel sorry or bad for your decision to leave. You have to save yourself and your children and begin the work on healing yourself. If not, you will go back to the situation, things will continue to go worse, and you will grow miserable, and depressed yourself.

You didn’t say why you cheated after your first child, but you do play a huge role in this situation. And, I find it convenient that you left that crucial piece of the puzzle out of your story. Why? You’re going on this rant about him, and all of these things he’s doing, but you owed up to the cheating and infidelity which seems to snowballed this entire situation. Why leave that out of your story? Why not share what was going on with you, and him? What was it that drove you to cheat?

Whatever your reasons for cheating, you should have worked that out after you cheated, and got into therapy, or you should have left the relationship. If you’re cheating, then it’s obvious you’re not getting something at home, or your partner is not providing you with something that you feel the need to go out and get it from someone else. Regardless, you cheated, you stepped out on your relationship, and you broke the trust.

Your actions were contributors to his reactions. Does it justify his behavior and treatment toward you? – Hell NO! Do you deserve to pounced on, mistreated, and physically abused? – Hell NO! Are you responsible for him losing his job and not taking care of his business? – Hell NO! Are you obliged to have sex with him every day even when you don’t want to? –Hell NO!

I also find it interesting that the violence seems to be an “our fights have become physical.” You didn’t state that he was the physically violent one, but that you and he are both physically violent. Thus, you are complicit in this physical violence. Don’t throw rocks then hide your hand. If you’re both putting hands on one another, it’s time to go! Point blank simple. Violence in any form should be the end of the relationship.

But, here are some things I want to address:

One – You are not married. After 13 years you are still playing house. You are still giving him everything with no commitment. Why? Why are you not married? This is a problem. You folks want to be in these long-term relationships, producing children, and co-habitating with one another, yet, you want the privileges and expectations of a marriage. HUH? I’m confused. Why be together 13 years, and all you have is this sob story, pitiful relationship, and you’re seeking a way out. You don’t have to seek a way out because you can just get up and leave. You don’t have to file for a divorce. Just leave. Go to court and get full custody of the children and put him on child support.

Two – He smokes weed and wants to blame you for him smoking weed. I’m sorry, but how did you force him to go to the weed man, purchase the weed, roll it up, and smoke it? He claims to be depressed and his resolve to handle it is to smoke weed? Girl, stop and tell him to have several seats. He’s listening to his homeboys and getting advice from them, and one of them probably mentioned he should start smoking to take the edge off. Now, he has a created a habit, but wants to blame his habit on you and what you did to him. Don’t take the blame for that. Don’t feel guilty for it, and don’t allow him to put it all on you. He is a grown ass man and he chooses to smoke weed. Instead of being an adult and doing what most responsible and mature adults would do and seek therapy, he resorts to smoking weed. Therefore, please know you are dealing with someone who is emotionally, and mentally unstable.

Three – As a result of him smoking weed, he used to fight with his manager on his job, and lost his job. Again, he’s emotionally and mentally unstable. He didn’t work for two years, and you became the caretaker and provider of the family. He’s not emotionally or mentally able to handle taking care of his family. He is not a provider or supporter. He is another child in your home. Then, he fights with you, and it’s become physical. His emotional and mental well-being has become unmanageable and now he’s physical. TIME TO GO! LEAVE HIM AND STAY GONE!

Four – He’s demanding you have sex every day even when you don’t want to. Uhm, I’m sorry, but why do you have to engage in having sex with him every day? It’s your body, and he can’t impose upon you something that you don’t want to do.  Having sex daily is taxing, and if you’re not in the mood, or you don’t want to do it, then it became painful and not pleasurable. Besides, it seems the only reason he wants to do it is because he feels you’re ignoring him, or you don’t pay him any attention. Again, how old is he? He’s acting like a child, and that you owe him something. What he’s basically saying it that you owe him for making him smoke weed. You owe him for making him depressed. You owe him for making him lose his job. You owe him for making him treat you the way that he does. And, you owe him because you don’t pay him enough attention, so you owe him sex. You don’t owe him a damn thing! He’s throwing a tantrum and pouting and pointing the finger at you for his miserable and pathetic life. Girl, please leave this relationship, and recognize it’s a dead relationship.

I don’t want to hear how much you say, “But, I love him and want to be with him.” Why? What does he have to offer you? He’s mentally, emotionally, and physically abusive. Once a relationship resorts to violence, it is time to go! Find the strength, power, and encouragement to leave him. If you don’t he will drain you emotionally and spiritually. You will become mentally tired, and the physical abuse will grow more intense. Save yourself and your children. You have to choose your life and your children’s lives over his. – Terrance Dean

Photo courtesy: Shuttershock

Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below! Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Dean:  loveandrelationships@bossip.com  Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter:  @terrancedean and “LIKE” Terrance Dean on Facebook, click HERE!

Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15); Hiding In Hip Hop (Atria Books – June 2008); and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!