Dear Bossip: He's Married & Wants To Move Forward, But It's Unsettling

Dear Bossip,

Nearly 7 months ago a mutual friend introduced me to this guy. Initially, we were supposed to only be hooking up for sex, but a month in that all changed.

We started spending more time together outside the bedroom with him eventually asking me to be his “girlfriend.”

Here’s the problem, although the few people that I have confided in don’t seem to think there is a problem, and I should just go with the flow. Almost from the beginning he told me that he was legally married, but had been separated for 3+ years. I never suspected that he was married as all of our encounters had taken place at his house and there were no indications of a female living in the home.

I decided to continue to see him. We spend a lot of time together (I really have no complaints in that area) and we talk every day. I spend the night at his place and he now spends the night at my place. Our kids know each other as they have spent time with me alone (they spent the majority of their spring break with me and my kids).

I am not sure what the wife knows, but I have noticed that she makes more contact (daily) and that she expresses her “feelings” for him on his Facebook page. When I mentioned this to him, he says I shouldn’t concern myself with her or what she does because the marriage is paper only and there is no chance of reconciliation, but there has not been one move on either parties behalf towards divorcing. Although, I am not ready to marry him, I definitely would feel better about continuing the relationship if he were legally single. He wants us to do “things” together, but I don’t feel it is right because of his legal situation. I am now feeling like I am making an investment where the return is ZERO!

It’s getting deeper and there are strong feelings for each other. But, before these feelings get any deeper, should I stay or let him go? – Falling For Him

Dear Falling For Him,

Lawd, why?

Whhhhhhhyyyyyyyyyyyy?

Sweetie, he’s still married. No matter how you try to spin this story, this relationship, this hook up, he is still married. He’s been separated for 3 plus years, but still has not gone through with a divorce. Why not? What is the hold up? If he’s telling you there is no chance of reconciliation, then why not go through with the divorce?

It’s because he is not going to divorce his wife. And, time and time again you women fall for these ole okey-doke situations thinking and hoping the married man will officially leave his wife and you will become the next missus. It’s not going to happen.

If he’s keeping her on hold by not getting the divorce, and all the while he’s dating you and keeping you on hold until he gets a divorce, then what does that tell you about him? He wants a harem of women. He wants his wife, his girlfriend, and if he chooses he will find another side chick who will fall for the same thing you are falling for.

His wife is on his social media page confessing her undying love for him on a daily basis. She’s fighting for her man. You have expressed your feelings for him, and he asked you to be his girlfriend. Why the hell would you agree to be some married man’s girlfriend? What asinine bull-ish got you laying up in a married man’s house agreeing to be his girlfriend while his wife is seeking to reconnect with him, and he’s telling you that their marriage is only on paper? Uhm, no! The courts will tell him that he’s still legally married, so, it’s not just on paper.

This man has two women vying for his attention, and you don’t find anything odd, bizarre, or just plain ole stupid about it? He is openly dating you, while he’s married, and you are okay with this, but the only way you want to move forward is for him to divorce his wife. Do you hear yourself?

And, hold the “F” up! You had his kids during spring break at your house with your kids, alone? Sweetie you were the babysitter while his kids were on spring break. I’m sure they live with their mother, and the arrangement was for them to be with him for the week. Instead, he dumped them off with you for the week and you allowed this to happen because you want to prove to him that you can get along with his kids, and he will see how they blend with your kids, and you can be one big happy family. SMDH!

Ask yourself these questions – What is appealing about him? What are you getting out of this? Why won’t he divorce his wife? If he wants you to be his girlfriend, then why can’t he do the right thing and divorce his wife so there is no lingering or unfinished business in the way between you and he? Why would you continue dating a man even after knowing he’s married? How can he be such a great catch, yet, he has two women vying for his attention?

In all honesty, there is nothing I can tell you because you have stated, “I have decided to continue to see him.” You’ve made up your mind. You’ve made a choice. You have considered the repercussions, the outcome, and have decided that you will be the girlfriend to a married man. You don’t care about no one but yourself. You don’t care about what this can be doing to his wife and children. You don’t care because like you said, from the beginning it was supposed to be about sex, and you are getting exactly what you want. Therefore, I hope you find happiness with a man who has no plans on divorcing his wife. I hope you have a wonderful life being the forever girlfriend, side chick, to a man who wants to parade you around town while his wife continues to profess her love for him. You two women are vying for the same man, and you find nothing wrong with it, so find your happiness in that. I hope you win the prize. Win the man you want. Just know that what he’s doing to her, he is already doing to you. – Terrance Dean

Photo courtesy: Shuttershock

Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below! Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Dean:  loveandrelationships@bossip.com  Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter:  @terrancedean and “LIKE” Terrance Dean on Facebook, click HERE!

Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15); Hiding In Hip Hop (Atria   Books – June 2008); and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!