Dear Bossip: Co-Parenting With My Child's Father Has Become Unbearable

Dear Bossip,

I am 23 years old and I have a three and a half year old son by a man that I am no longer with.

Our relationship ended the day I gave birth to my son when he left the hospital to go see another woman. My son was barely breathing.

I am not writing to you about our relationship because it is a done deal. I am writing to you because I have been having mixed emotions as far as co-parenting goes.

Me and my son’s father never get along. We are just too different. We don’t value the same things. We don’t want the same things for our son. The other day as I picked him up from school, I noticed that whoever dropped him off did not check him in. So, I asked the school teacher who dropped him off and she tells me it was some Hispanic girl. Mind you, I have no problem with my son being around the women that his father dates, but the issue is when I call my son’s father to ask to meet the woman that is involved with my son’s life and I get told by him that, “It’s none of my f***ing business.”

Every time I call him when there is an issue that I am having as far as us co-parenting goes he gets completely off topic. Saying things such as, “It’s a shame that my son has to be around all these ni**as that I’m f***ing with.” Telling me if I need help paying daycare then I should open my legs and stick to what I know. (Mind you, I haven’t been with a man in almost a year, but I don’t let him in on that because it’s none of his damn business). Or, he says that my son doesn’t love me as much as he loves him. Or, that I’m broke and living paycheck-to-paycheck. And, how he is able to purchase more material items for my son than I am (but he was just begging me for gas money three weeks prior), or how he’ll get someone to beat my ass, and that I don’t have any money because I live in public housing and he is able to afford regular rent.

While he is sitting on the phone spieling how he really felt about me, I just sit and realize that I can’t continue to co-parent with someone who does not respect me. Who cares that I live in public housing? My son has a roof over his head! How is he able to sit on the phone and calculate my funds? He knows absolutely nothing about how much I make and where my money goes!! What I do in my personal life is no longer a concern of his and he just doesn’t get it!

This has been going on way too long. I would love to just sit here and accept the responsibility and say I’ll just have to deal with it because this is the man that I laid down with, but I refuse! I keep thinking about how in the end how this will affect my son’s growth. I just feel as if no one is thinking about that but me! Who will pay attention to the things that matter, such as making sure he’s in the bed at a decent hour. Making sure his teeth are brushed. His ears are clean. Making sure he’s not around a TOO GROWN environment. Making sure I’m allowing his mind to be stimulated by the right things.

I have just started dating someone new that I like and things are still kind of fresh. But, overall, I am happy with the way things are going so far. However, I can’t help but feel as though maybe I should hold off on dating and focus on parenting my son better. But, I feel my efforts will go unnoticed, and no one will care if I don’t know the environment he is in while he is with his dad and it is negative?

It’s gotten to the point where I’m thinking of packing up and moving to another state and not even telling anyone so I’m able to start fresh and give my son the life he deserves by myself. It may sound selfish, but I’ve run out of options. I’ve tried getting everything settled in court, but he doesn’t show up to the court dates so they get thrown out when they should be considered a failure to appear on his end.

He doesn’t know the woman I am today. He just knows that little naive girl that was so crazy about him years ago. I’m not that girl anymore. He constantly tries to bring up the past and bring me down.

This has been going on way too long and I can’t deal. Should I end my current dating situation to focus or am I just overreacting?? Am I selfish for wanting to leave and start over with my son? – Sick and Tired

Dear Ms. Sick and Tired,

Find yourself a Family Court lawyer, and have them work with you to deal with this in court. There are many resources available to you with the Family Court, and you are going to have to call and ask them about their services, and how you can apply for support. I’m sure they provide pro-bono services, or they charge a small fee and will base it on your income. So, call the courts and inquire about these resources.

Next, you should keep a journal or some type of record-keeping of how actively involved your son’s father is with your child. Is he making child support payments on time? If not, record it. Is he making the environment where you pick up your child hostile between you and he? Document it. When your child is dropped off at school by someone other than you or he, then you need to have the school notify you, and you need to keep a record of this. It may sound petty, but in order to start creating a more positive environment between you and your child’s father, you’re going to have to be a little more proactive, and show how he is not adhering to the judge’s order.

Also, if he is making threats to your person, and saying he will get someone to jump you, or, what he will do to you, then you need to report it to the police. And, you should record your conversations so you have proof. Get a restraining order and let the police know you don’t feel safe because he’s made these threats. And, his verbal attacks about you and your lifestyle or what he perceives as your lifestyle is also abuse. Again, document all these things, get your restraining order and present it to the judge. You don’t have to put up with this, and you shouldn’t go back and forth with him on the phone or in person. It’s obvious you and he can’t get along, and there is some issues that are deeper at the core. Keep a record and share it with your lawyer, and with the judge in Family Court.

It’s sad and unfortunate that you and he are not getting along. I’m sure you get tired of having to deal with someone like him, but you made the choice to date him, sleep with him, and produce a child. These relationships you all choose with these people should take a lot more consideration and thinking through before you decide to have unprotected sex with them, and if you want to be connected to this person for the rest of your life.

Sometimes you have to ask yourself, “Is this person responsible, caring, and loving? Will this person make a great or even good parent? Is this person someone I want to be with for the rest of my life, or even the next 18 years of my life? How is this person’s relationship with their own family, friends, and loved ones? Does this person have the same values, morals, and considerations that I do on life, career, and a family?” I’m sure when you’re with someone you think you’re in love, and you really feel you will be together for the rest of your life, but when thinking of having a child you have to ask yourself hard and tough questions about your mate, and be truly honest with yourself.

Also, I’d recommend asking the court to put you and he in classes together on learning how to co-parent with one another. It’s obvious he has some unresolved issues with you, and he refuses to let the past go. So, what happened and why is he blaming you and making you out to be this big bad woman? Perhaps he can get some counseling and help to resolve his issues so he can move on and stop beating up on you, and calling you with his tirades.

I would also recommend that you keep the communication between you and he at a minimum. If you are not discussing your child, coordinating pick-ups and drop offs, or if there is an emergency, then you really don’t have anything to discuss or talk about. Why are you staying on the phone with him and going back and forth with him when he goes on his tirades about you? Just hang up. Why sit on the phone and take all that abuse from him? He’s an a**hole. You don’t have listen to his bull-ish, and let him rant about you. Why is he so concerned that you live in public housing? Obviously he didn’t mind when you and he were together. And, why is he checking and clocking your money? Again, ignore him, and keep your contact to a minimum.

Lastly, you don’t have to stop dating because of him. He’s moved on and is sleeping around, so why would you put your life on hold? Yes, focus on your child, and show your child all the love you can, and make sure he has everything he needs. But, you don’t have to stop dating. If you meet someone nice, someone you enjoy spending time with, and he appreciates you, then date. But, think very carefully and make better choices when it comes to sleeping with someone. Ask yourself the questions I raised earlier, and don’t have unprotected sex. Find out what are his goals, his desires, his dreams, and how is he making those things happen. Does he have a plan, and is he working his plan. You can date, but be mindful of the men you are dating.

And, you don’t have to move out of state to get rid of him. Why? Running is not going to solve anything. You still have to deal with him. You still have to co-parent. And, the issues you have will not be resolved because you move. He will still call and rant and rave. He’s a child. He’s a boy. He is upset, mad, and angry. He has to work out his own issues. You can’t do anything about that. And, I recommend you put him in check one good time and let him know that. You put him in his place, remind him that you and he made the child together, and that regardless of how he feels about you and what’s going on he still has to co-parent with you. Berating you and demeaning you is not going to solve anything. How about he get his life together and be a better father. – Terrance Dean

Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below! Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Dean:  loveandrelationships@bossip.com  Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter:  @terrancedean and “LIKE” Terrance Dean on Facebook, click HERE!

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