Dear Bossip: They're Divorcing, But She Had Surgery & I Feel Neglected

Dear Bossip,

I really need your help. Ok here goes. I met a wonderful man a year ago. We flirted, we smiled, and we hooked up. We went out on a few dates, talked and text.

He’s the perfect gentleman in and out of the bedroom. We have so much fun together. We cook together. We like the same old school music and we both are huge football fans. Everything is just perfect between us.

Now for the drama. When we met he was in the middle of the final touches of his divorce – Who gets what and how much. There are no children between them. The soon-to-be ex-wife goes to an eye doctor appointment. The doctor says something doesn’t look right, and refers her to a neurologist. The neurologist finds an aneurysm. They need to operate right away. My man asks me if it’s ok for him to be there for his soon-to-be ex-wife during this time. I proudly say yes. I tell him that if this is something you need to do, then go.

The day she had surgery (14hours long), he was there. He stayed overnight at the hospital for 4 days until the doctors woke her from the medically induced coma. They had to be sure the swelling was down.

She’s home now. Recovery has been long and daunting – Three months and counting. Her short-term memory is basically gone. She can’t be left alone because she wanders around like a child, getting into things. The doctors say it’s normal. He’s been to every doctor appointment. He sits with her until a member family can relieve him. We go days without speaking.

I feel maybe this tragedy is bringing them back together. He says it’s not. He says he loves me deeply and when she is fully recovered everything will go back to normal. I gave him an out. I broke it off with him and told him to go be with her. He came to my job and created a big scene protesting saying please hang in here with him.

I hate to feel so selfish, but I do. I feel neglected, and like he just want me around until he has made up his mind where he wants to be. I’m proud he’s a caring man, and not petty or spiteful. But, WHAT ABOUT US?

So, Terrance, do I need to check myself and stop feeling so needy and petty? Or am I going thru the quiet before the storm? – Needing Attention

Dear Ms. Needing Attention,

Girl, what about you and him? Please have several seats. Just silly!

Girl, girl, girl, you can’t be serious right now! I refuse to believe that you can be so callous and heartless. You can’t be making this situation about you, and what you need when this man’s wife had to endure a major fatal surgery, and she can’t remember things, and she needs someone to help her do basic things. And, one of those persons stepping in happens to be the man she is currently married to, though they are going through a divorce. You can’t be serious!

WOW! You are petty. Childish. Silly. And, you need a reality check.

You told him to go be with her, and you ‘faked’ liked you cared and told him to support his wife. So, why are you mad? Was it really a test to see what he would do? Was it your litmus exam to see if he would pass or fail? You’re so wrong and so trite. The woman didn’t plan for this to happen. She didn’t create this scenario. It’s a coincidence that this occurred during their divorce, and because of the seriousness of the matter the doctors felt she required immediate surgery. She didn’t have time to call and get a network of supporters to be there for her and to arrange for assistance. This was done fast, and things had to taken care of immediately.

He is her husband, and regardless if they are going through a divorce, he is still married to her, and I’m sure he wouldn’t want anything to happen to her. In this instance he is her next of kin, and he should have been at the hospital for her 14 hour surgery, and the four days she was in a medically induced coma, and while she is recovering. She is his wife. They have a history. And, regardless of what’s going on between them, he cares and he wants to make sure she will be okay. So, what is wrong with that? People are human and they care about one another. It’s called compassion and concern. You should get you some.

He’s told you that he loves you and wants to be with you, but wants you to be patient while he helps his wife who has endured a major surgery, and has short-term memory. What is he supposed to do? Leave her and be with you and say “F” her and let her figure it out. That is callous and cold. And, obviously that is not how he is built. He is a caring and loving man. He is supportive, and will stand by his woman’s side, regardless of the situation or ordeal. He is sticking by his vows, even if he is getting a divorce. He has true character, and he is someone you would want to have in your corner. Therefore, cut him some slack, and continue to support him.

I am sure this is hard on him as well. I am sure he is mentally and emotionally drained dealing with this, especially going through a divorce and helping his wife to recover. He still has his own life to live, and has to take care of his own concerns and his own home. He has had to put things on hold. He needs you more than anything, and here you are throwing a damn hissy fit like a damn child because he won’t pay you any attention. You want it to be all about you. It’s not about you. Why aren’t you supporting him, being there for him, and checking in on him? Why aren’t you offering to check on his home while he’s with his wife? Why not offer to cook something for him, and see how else you can be of support to him? Grow up and stop acting like you’re 10 years old.

You are too damn dramatic, running around here pouting and stomping your feet because he is tending to his wife who has had major surgery and can’t do anything on her own. He is one of many being supportive of her. How would you feel if you and he were together and something happened to you and he left you to fend for yourself after a major surgery? How would you feel if he walked away and left you alone and told you to figure something out because he doesn’t have the time?

Grow up and stop acting like a damn child. He hasn’t given you any indication they are reconciling or getting back together. He hasn’t told you that he wanted to end things, or put your relationship on hold while he is dealing with this. He figured you’d be supportive of him, but instead you’re showing your ass. Don’t be surprised if he does wake up and decides that he doesn’t want to be with you by the way you’re acting during this situation. If anything this should bring you two closer together, and you will get to see how both of you handle major issues and problems, and what type of character you both have. And, if this is any indication of how you are, then, if he is being cognizant and taking notes he’d be aware of the type of woman he is dealing with.  If you can’t see the type of man you have, I am sure there are plenty of women who would love to have a man like him, and to take him off your hands. – Terrance Dean

Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below! Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Dean:  loveandrelationships@bossip.com  Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter:  @terrancedean and “LIKE” Terrance Dean on Facebook, click HERE!

Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15); Hiding In Hip Hop (Atria   Books – June 2008); and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!