Dear Bossip: My Husband Is In A Wheelchair, And I Want To Leave Him

Dear Bossip,

My name is “Jane” and I’ve been married to my husband for 10 years. But, we’ve been together for 12 years.

My husband is 31 years old and I’m 40 years old. I’ve never dated a younger guy, but he was amazing in all aspects and you don’t help who you fall in love with. Out of that marriage my husband and I produced 3 children ages 8, 5, and 2 years of age. I also had 3 children from a previous marriage who are now 19, 17 and 14 years of age. He accepted them as his own and accepted all of the baggage that comes with marrying a woman who already had children.

The first 6 years of our marriage was great. Everything was wonderful. He had a great job and he even begged me to stay home with the children to be a homemaker, and I did. Our sex life/home life was amazing. But, then things started to change. He started to get very hostile with the kids, and, with me especially. We went from having sex every day, sometimes 3 times a day to maybe 9 times a month. It was like he had no patience for anything.

He accused me of sleeping with everybody down to the postman. He even accused me of sleeping with my ex-husband when I’d drop off my kids with him. I’m a 40 year old woman and I’ve only slept with 3 men. He started to call me names, then, the next day he would show up with flowers. It was a back and forth tug-of-war that caused me to go into a deep depression.

When I was pregnant with our last child he told me to abort it. I was astonished. He stopped coming home and pretty much moved out and told me to get a job and to support the kids on my own. He made that pregnancy so miserable he didn’t even come to the birth. I pretty much chucked it up as our marriage was over after that. I also found out that he was cheating on me with multiple women. I believe it was 10 women.

I confronted him with the evidence and he said that he’s young and what did I expect, and, that he never had his time to live freely. I even found out he also had 2 children on me as well, and when I was pregnant with our last born he had a chick pregnant at the same time. That was also the woman he moved out to live with.

I’d just given birth and now had 6 kids, jobless and heartbroken. I was shocked that I was so dumb that I didn’t see it and so stupid that I still wanted to fix our marriage. I was 147 pounds and I ended up losing 50 pounds during it all, and, I had a nervous break-down. He wasn’t there for me through that at all. He didn’t even take care of the kids. All he did was serve me with divorce papers.

Six and half months ago he was in a severe accident. His friend’s car collided with a truck and it blew up. His friend, who was driving, died, but my husband survived. We didn’t even think he was going to live. I was there with him every step of the way. The girl he left me for ended up leaving him when she found out he had a wife with 6 kids. He lost his job and now was paralyzed from the midsection down.

Now, all he keeps saying is how he wants his family and that he loves me and that he was wrong. I want to believe him, but I don’t. I know it’s all lies. But, how could I leave him in this state? Even though he did me wrong and wasn’t there for me. He can’t bathe, or use the restroom without assistance. He has therapy 3 times a week. My friends told me I’ll be heartless if I leave, but that’s honestly what I want to do. Even his mother told me to leave. I also want to leave and I’m stronger, but guilt and him telling me he wants his family is holding me back. Our divorce will be finalized next month and he wants to stop it, but what should I do? – Stay Married Or Get A Divorce

Dear Ms. Stay Married Or Get A Divorce,

Now, I want to be clear of this situation. Your husband, after 6 years of marriage, started to become hostile toward you and your kids. I mean, all of sudden, or over time? Regardless, his actions toward you made you aware that something was wrong, but you didn’t inquire as to why, or what was going on. (I’ll just deduce that this is when he started cheating).

Anyway, he accused you of cheating and sleeping around, though it was him who was actually cheating and sleeping around. So, he made you feel guilty of something he was doing. Gotcha! He’s called you out of your name, and his treatment toward you sent you into a deep depression. When you were pregnant with your last child he told you to abort it, and he didn’t show up to the birth of his own child. He left you and told you to get a job and take care of the kids. Basically, he abandoned his family, and his responsibilities as a father, dad, and husband, and made you all fend for yourselves. Then, you find out he was sleeping with over 10 different women, in which 2 of them had children, and another was pregnant at the same time as you were. He moves in with another woman, and then asks you for a divorce.

I want you to process, and I mean really process what this man put you through, and how he treated you during the last years of your marriage. You had six kids, no job, depressed, heart-broken, and a failed marriage. Yet, he was out philandering, living his life, sleeping with multiple women, and living with one of them. He stopped caring for you and his children, his own family, and left you as if you all meant nothing to him. It really was that easy for him to just up and walk away with no care, no concern, and no thought about it. He was done with you.

Well, lo and behold, six and half months ago he was in a severe accident, and left paralyzed from the waist down. He’s unable to care for himself. He’s lost his job. The woman he was living with left him after she learned he had a wife and six kids. AND, you were the only one who stepped in to help him recover and be there for him. Now, all of a sudden, he has a change of heart and wants his family back, and wants to be married. OH REALLY?

Ma’am, he doesn’t want to be married, and he doesn’t want you as his wife. He wants a permanent caretaker. He wants a live-in nurse aide. He wants someone to take care of him for the rest of his life because he is unable to do anything for himself. He only wants you now because he realizes no other woman will want him. Had he not been in the car accident he would still be with the other woman, and he would be looking forward to his upcoming divorce from you.

It’s sad that it has taken this car accident, and for him to be paralyzed to recognize what he had, and the one woman who would be there for him through the good and the bad. He wanted to play in the streets and sleep around with other women and blame it on his youth, and that he never had the chance to live freely. Well, now you’re going to live your life freely, and not be burdened with the responsibility of caring for him.

Don’t get me wrong, I do believe in marriage vows, and a spouse being there in sickness and in health. And, you’ve done your duty of sticking by his side, helping him to recover, and being a support system for him. However, he’s completely destroyed his marriage, your trust, and his vows when he left you and decided he wanted a divorce. He didn’t think about you while he was laying up with those other women and creating children. He told you to abort you last child, and, then he left you and told you to get a job and take care of the six kids by yourself.

You’ve done your part. It’s time to move on, and let him figure out the rest. You have six children to care for. You can’t work a full-time job, take care of six kids, and a husband who can’t work, or do anything for himself. Hell, taking care of him is a full-time job. Therefore, he needs to apply for Medicare or Medicaid, and ask for a nurse aide or assistant, and get into therapy so that he can learn how to take care of himself. He is paralyzed from the mid-section down. He can still use his arms and hands. He is in a wheelchair. There are plenty of disabled persons like him who take care of themselves, and live productive lives. He’s going to have to learn how.

You have to do what is best for you and your children. It’s time for you to live your life, and enjoy it. You’re 40 years old. Therefore, find a job you enjoy, and raise your children in a loving, peaceful, and caring environment. If you stay with your husband you will resent him, your marriage, and taking care of him. You need to create your own sanity, joy, and happiness. Yes, I know that in the beginning when he left you it was hard. You were depressed, sad, angry, and stressed. You’ve now moved from the initial shock of this, and you are in a different space and place. You’re learning who you are, what you want, and what you need. You’re no longer that woman who was head over heels and naïve. Your eyes have opened, and you see him for who he is, and who you are. Wish him well. Wish him love. Wish him good health. But, it’s time to take care of your own health, your own well-being, and start loving on yourself. Trust and believe that he only wants you now because he needs you. He only wants you now because no one else wants him. He only wants you now because of what you can do for him. Ask yourself – What can he do for you? Can you rely on him for anything? And, does he love you because he misses you and his family or does he love you because of what you can do for him because he can’t do for himself? – Terrance Dean

Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below! Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Dean:  loveandrelationships@bossip.com  Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter:  @terrancedean and “LIKE” Terrance Dean on Facebook, click HERE!

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