Dear Bossip: I'm Plus-Size & We Met Online, But After A Date He Disappeared

Dear Bossip,

I am a 42 year old, nice looking, plus-sized black woman.

I met a seemingly nice guy online. He’s white, 45 years old, and in the Navy. We talked for a weeks by text, and exchanged pictures. We also talked in Oovoo. He found me on a dating service.

After our one week of “getting to know one another” he wanted to meet. It was a mutual agreement that we were going to have great sex. He even asked me to come to his hometown and spend the weekend and maybe catch a Patti Labelle concert.

Well, we both travelled three hours to a destination and had a wonderful time! I had my two gay guy friends with me, (for safety reasons). But, he was cool, and we had discussed my weight so that wasn’t an issue. My weight is something I’m working on and he is very fit, so he even offered to help me.

He asked to see me again as I walked him to his truck. I was as giddy as a schoolgirl! Any who, after I got home he texted me letting me know he made it home and I did the same. That was on a Saturday. He texted me on that Monday saying, “Hey, text me anytime “Steph,” and, hey, don’t forget to walk for an hour and I will contact you about show dates later this week.” It is now two weeks later, and I’ve heard NOTHING from him! And, my stupid butt fell for him like bricks!

I can’t get him off my mind. Now, I want closure. I mean he is a CPO, Chief Intelligence Officer, so, is he on leave? Dead? Married? Or, did he just lie to me and didn’t give a damn! I don’t know how to get pass this! What to do? Please help! – Fell For The Guy

Dear Ms. Fell For The Guy,

He’s not interested in you physically. To be honest, you mentioned that he is fit and you are a plus-sized woman, and that you and he discussed your weight. And, the fact that he offered to help you lose weight, and then texted you and told you to walk for an hour was a hint that your size did matter.

Meeting someone online is very tricky. It’s hard to gauge someone’s true intent, and if they really do like you for you, or how you look. Pictures that folks use online are deceptive, and oftentimes do not tell the authentic truth of how someone looks. In this day and age, most folks will use old photos from when they were slimmer. They will use someone else’s photos. They take pictures from certain angles in order to hide thing about themselves they don’t like. And, hell, when someone takes photos from the neck up majority of the time, well, it’s a clue that they are not happy with their body.

So, you were honest and upfront with him about your weight. And, you state you’re plus-sized. Now, what is that? Is your plus-sized proportionate? People throw that word, “plus-sized,” out there and it means so many different things to a lot of different people. Therefore, meeting in person was the best resolve to see if there was a physical attraction.

When he met you and saw you he may not have been attracted to you physically. I’m positive he was nice to you and didn’t want to hurt your feelings. So, he sat and talked with you, and it probably didn’t last more than an hour. And, the fact that you walked him to his truck, and he didn’t walk you to your car was a sign. If he was feeling you and really wanted to continue seeing you, then he would have walked you to your car. He would have asked you out on a second date. He would have told you how he was attracted to you. You only heard from him later that night, but it was to let you know he made it home. Then, he texted you days later about possibly getting together, and he mentioned your weight. Another sign he wasn’t physically attracted to you.

He will probably never be honest and tell you that your weight is the problem, and why he is not interested in you. He doesn’t want to hurt your feelings. So, you haven’t heard from him in weeks, and he is not going to hit you up. He hopes that you will get the hint. Trust and believe, if you text him to inquire that you haven’t heard from him, and wanted to reach out, he will respond and be friendly and state that all is well, and he hopes that you are out there walking, and getting in some exercise. Ma’am, he’s just not into you.

If you feel your weight is a barrier for you, especially in the dating scene, and you mentioned that you are working on it, then, continue to work on it. Continue to exercise, eat healthy, and take care of yourself. You have to lose the weight and do it for you, and not for a man. Doing it for someone else will only result in you trying to make someone else happy, and eventually you will gain the weight back. Exercise, eating healthy, and taking care of yourself is a lifestyle. It is a way of life. You will get to your ideal weight, and once you’re happy with yourself and how you look, then you will meet the man for you and who will love you for you. – Terrance Dean

Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below! Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Dean:  loveandrelationships@bossip.com  Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter:  @terrancedean and “LIKE” Terrance Dean on Facebook, click HERE!

Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15); Hiding In Hip Hop (Atria   Books – June 2008); and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!