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Dear Bossip,

I’m a 27 year old female (lesbian), and I’ve been with my girlfriend who is 29 years old for 10 months now.

I really do love and care for her a lot. We met on POF and we connected right away on tons of different levels, and still to this day no one can make me laugh like her.

With this said, I still need advice…

So, around 5 months into our relationship she told me on two different drunk occasions she loves her best friend/had feelings for her and is in love with her. This, of course, broke my heart beyond words. A few days later she took it back saying she didn’t mean it and that she was just trying to get my attention because she said when she would vent I wasn’t listening.

I’d go for the, “I can relate because of x, y and z strategy,” and she needed the,

“Don’t say anything even after I’m done talking and JUST listen,” and let me come to my own conclusions. This I figured out over time. Anyways, I obviously forgave her and stayed with her, but my heart was broken and so was my trust towards her. And, so, the fighting began.

Our first big fight was her dancing with other people’s men, and women, when out at the club, bars, and strip clubs when I wasn’t there or even when I was. This, she said, was just my insecurities, but as I see it she was being disrespectful. We also got into a fight about her using my credit card for her cab fares because she was spending all her money at the bar and playing Keno.

She compared me to her crazy abusive ex-girlfriend, saying she hates me, calling me a bitch, whore, fake, cunt, and that she doesn’t want me in her life ever again. All this was said during our heated arguments. She gave me a promise ring one month then broke up with me the next month saying she doesn’t love me that way. She says I’m forcing us to be together, and she doesn’t feel connected to me in that way.

She said my butt looked saggy and like cottage cheese, jokingly, when I sent her a picture of it after hitting my highest weight ever. She said she forgot I used to have an eating disorder and was sorry. She been trying to talk me into threesomes with another girl, but I’ve always been a one woman’s woman. She doesn’t like that I’m a figure competitor and when I get super lean/muscular looking she doesn’t want me to compete, but rather be in bulking mode all year long because I look “normal” with a normal body fat, and am there for thicker looking.

About two months ago, I needed someone to talk to (I’m not close with my family because they aren’t okay with me being gay) and I live in a small country town with very few people. I met another girl online who is a body builder, so we got to talking as friends would do. We both feel the same way about dancing with other people at clubs, threesomes, and she’s okay with me being a figure competitor/muscles. Eventually, it did turn into more and I was wrong to cheat on my girlfriend emotionally. I apologized and my girlfriend and I tried to make it work again.

Since then, the other woman and I still talk from time to time but it’s never sexual or “If we were together” kind of talk. I know I shouldn’t be talking to her, but we do care about one another and have more in common than my girlfriend and I.

My girlfriend is in rehab for her drinking. She’s been there for three weeks now. She’s doing great, and she wants to take me to her friend’s wedding. She says she still loves me, but that we are not compatible and she’s not sure if she wants to be with me or not. I blocked her for two days while in rehab because I tried telling her about my parents forcing me to move out in two months and she didn’t want to hear it saying it was selfish of me to bring it up and she cussed me out again.

I don’t think I want to be with her anymore, or ever again. I just don’t know how to tell her. Or, should I try to work things out since she’s finally getting the help she needs? And, what do I do about the other woman? And, yes, the other woman has known about my girlfriend and I going through all our BS, and that I’m supporting my girlfriend through rehab. She knows I still love and care for her and that I’m not looking for a relationship for a while. Even so, we still talk. But, what does this say about her? And myself? Oh, and in case you are wondering, I’m a feminine lesbian and they are both stud lesbians. – It’s Time To Go

Dear Ms. It’s Time To Go,

In ten months you’ve gone through all this drama with your girlfriend, and you’ve allowed her to mistreat you, make you feel inadequate, dog you, and curse you out. You have no one to blame but yourself. When you allow someone to demean you, make you feel less than, and treat you as if you’re nothing but trash, then it’s because you don’t value yourself and you don’t know your own self-worth.

No one can talk down to you without you giving them the permission to do so. The moment she called you out of your name, and began demeaning how you look, then, you should have ended this relationship, and walked away from her. It is obvious she is unhappy and miserable, and, therefore, she will lash out at the people closest to her. Unfortunately, you were the victim of her own disdain for herself. She took things out on you, and for some reason you allowed her to.

What is also a key red flag, and when you should have left her for good, was when she gave you a promise ring, and one month later she took it back saying she didn’t love you that way. Immediately, and without any need for apologies or long talks, you should have made that the last time someone mistreated you and made you feel inadequate or less than. If she didn’t love you then why give the ring in the first place?

She has a problem, and you it seems you tried to fix her, or hope she would change over time. You overlooked all the clear signs of an abuser, and subjected yourself to the abuse in the attempts to get her to love you the way that you loved her. Yeah, she may be in rehab, but you also need therapy to understand why you would allow yourself to be abused.

But, I also want to point out that within those ten months you’ve also stepped out of your relationship to find console, which resulted in you emotionally cheated with another woman. I’m sorry, but if you have strength and courage to find someone else to talk and confide in about your relationship problems, then, why can’t you be upfront with your girlfriend and tell her the truth? For you to find the time and energy to go outside of your relationship and find someone to make you feel better about yourself, then, it is clear that you suffer from low self-esteem and self-worth.

If you don’t love you, then it is impossible to get someone else to love you. If you don’t know your own self-worth or value, then why would someone else? People only treat you the way that you allow them to treat you. Therefore, you teach other’s how to treat you. And, you taught your girlfriend on how to treat you.

You say that you’re ready to move, but don’t know how to tell her. Uhm, sweetie, grow up and be an adult. You’re acting like some little girl who can’t speak up for herself. Re-read your letter and get a backbone. You can vent to me, and to the other woman you met online, but you can’t vent to someone who mistreats and curses you out? Stop giving your power over to her and stop allowing her to make you feel inadequate. If you don’t want to be with her, then tell her. If you’re tired of the way she treats you, then let her know. If you’re ready to move on, then tell her today. Stop hesitating and procrastinating over a decision that is easy to make. She doesn’t love you. She doesn’t want to be with you. She can’t love you because she doesn’t love herself, and because you don’t love yourself. This relationship is doomed.

No, do not go to the wedding with her. Save yourself the headache, and emotional stress of the ups and downs. No, you don’t have to be her savior and try to fix her problems. She’s in therapy for her drinking and is probably getting help for other issues. Therefore, let her therapists work with her. You need to worry about you, and work on yourself. Besides, she’s already told you that she doesn’t feel that the two of you are compatible. That’s when you tell her that she’s absolutely right. You’re not compatible, and it’s time to let go and move on.

And, as far as the other woman, it’s obvious you’re not ready for a relationship with anyone. Stop using her to vent and dump all your problems on. You’re not ready to be in a relationship, not until you learn how to love yourself, and know your own self-worth. You need to learn how to be good to yourself. Be loving to yourself. Be healthy with yourself. And, be happy with yourself. Until then, you won’t know what true love is because you’re not truly loving you. – Terrance Dean

Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below! Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Dean:  loveandrelationships@bossip.com  Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter:  @terrancedean and “LIKE” Terrance Dean on Facebook, click HERE!

Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15); Hiding In Hip Hop (Atria   Books – June 2008); and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!

    

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