Dear Bossip: He’s In Construction, Lives With A Roommate & Has No Ambition

Dear Bossip,

I’m a 27 year old woman dating a 38 year old man – it’s been about a year that we’ve been together.

My concern is that we come from extremely different background and are going in different directions. I graduated from college and paid for it all myself, and I am working as an engineer. I’m hoping to buy a house on my own this year and then hopefully settle down in the future.

He finished high school and has been working construction jobs. He changes jobs all the time and has never kept one for longer than 2 years. Also, he is almost 40 and still lives with a roommate in an apartment.

We love each other and get along wonderfully, but I think we don’t share the same ambition. He seems very lazy to me – he works enough to support himself, but not to achieve any goals like buying his own place (or moving out on his own). I confronted him with this and he said he will take a truck driving certification so he can have a more stable income and career.

The effort is great, but I don’t know if it’s enough. I can’t help wondering what would happen if we were married with children. Would I have to rely on myself financially? Is love enough or should I find someone with the same work ethic as me? – Different Goals and Different Ambitions

Dear Ms. Different Goals and Different Ambitions,

You’ve stated clearly that you two come from ‘extremely different’ backgrounds, going in ‘different directions,’ and you have explicit goals for the future. While you have your degree, paid for by you, and you work a full-time in a career, plus, you want to buy a home in a year, however, his goals consist of getting his truck driving certification so that he can get a more stable income and career. Well, as you can see his ambitions are not as high as yours, and he’s not interested in big goals or dreams. He seems content with his life, and if you’re not content with it, then maybe he is not the man for you.

I get what you are really asking me and seeking advice regarding. You want to know if he is going to change, and if you can change him, and, if he doesn’t change, then, should you stay because you love him, and, therefore, should you hope for the best.

First, you can’t change a man. You can’t make him do something he doesn’t want to do. You can’t love him into the man you desire. You can’t make him be ambitious or determined if he isn’t. So, you got what you got and that’s it.

A year ago, when you met him, you knew he worked in construction. You knew he had a roommate, and that he didn’t have a lot of money. Therefore, you’ve known all this for a year, and yet, nothing has changed with him. So, if you had all this information upfront, and you stayed, then why did you pursue a relationship with him? What were you hoping would change? That he would be motivated and inspired by you and he would get his act together and be the man you want him to be? That he would all of a sudden feel the desire to be a better man for you, and change his ways and find a career that provides a stable income, and he move out of his apartment that he shares?

Ma’am, please stop! Let it go and stop waiting, hoping, and wishing he’ll become the man you want him to be. Stop dreaming that he will be the fantastical man you feel you deserve. I get it. I understand. You can’t introduce him to your friends, or take him around your family without having to explain he only has his high school diploma, and that he doesn’t have a stable job, and he lives in an apartment and has a roommate. It’s hard to explain to those you love that someone like you, someone who has worked hard her entire life, got her education, has a great career, and is extremely ambitious and determined is dating someone like him.

They will question your judgment. They will question your relationship. Why are you with someone who is obviously beneath you? He doesn’t measure up to your standards, or their standards. He’s not the man you thought you would end up with. And, because you know you deserve someone better, someone who is doing something with their life, then, you will nag at him. You will complain to him about his choices, and his goals. You will want to fix him up and make him into the man you want him to be. And, he will grow to resent you, and you will despise him. Then, he will cheat on you, and you’ll be wondering why would he cheat on someone like you with some random woman who doesn’t have half of what you got. It’s a vicious cycle, sweetie, and this is how these things happen.

You’re not on the same page. You don’t want the same things out of life. His biggest ambition at 38 years of age is getting his truck driving certification. Yes, at 38, he finally feels he needs to get his certification to have a stable income and career. He’s a grown man with a roommate, which means you can’t spend too much time at his place, so, you’re probably spending a lot of time at your home. And, because he doesn’t keep a stable job, and he works in construction, he doesn’t make as much as you, and your dates consist of you going out on cheap dates, or you paying for some of the dates. That gets old and tired real fast.

You can save yourself the aggravation and headache. You can save yourself from these dreams and fantasies and accept the reality of who he is and what he wants out of life. Your dreams and goals are not the same as his. His ambition will never compare to yours. And, you know this, but you’re afraid to leave him because you think he will change. You feel he may find another woman and they will get married and she completes the job you started with him. Honey, if he isn’t what you desire or want, and he’s not ambitious, goal-oriented, or determined, and you’re concerned about your future with him and if he will be able to take care of you financially, or even desire to be anything more than a construction worker or truck driver, then LEAVE! Don’t waste another year, another month, another day with someone who is not compatible with you or has your work ethic. While you’re working and building your career, he will be working as a construction worker on the building in which you will have your office. Get out of this relationship if you’re concerned and know that he will not move beyond anything other than being a truck driver living in an apartment. – Terrance Dean

Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below! Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Dean:  loveandrelationships@bossip.com  Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter:  @terrancedean and “LIKE” Terrance Dean on Facebook, click HERE!

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