Dear Bossip: He's Married & Wants Me To Be His FWB & He's White

Dear Bossip,

I’m emotionally drained and guarded because of a past relationship. I was with a guy for nearly 5 years.

We constantly spoke about marriage and kids in our future. While he was in medical school, I got pregnant and it was decided that I would have an abortion. A decision that proved to be both difficult and disappointing. Ultimately, it left my heart and spirit broken. I’m finally coming to terms with it and realize that I still have lots of work left to do.

My ex and I recently had a breakthrough and he has since apologized. Now, moving forward, I decided that I wanted to experience life and try something new. I have always been hit on by men from different nationalities and backgrounds. But, I’ve always rode hard for brothers.

Well, it got hard trying to hold a light knowing that the loyalty would never be equal. I decided to explore my attraction to white guys and decided not to limit myself. I met this white guy online and we hung out, vibed, and had toe-curling religious conforming sex. Dude massaged my body from head to toe. He literally devoured my kitty and peach for hours. I felt like dude was trying to make up for slavery or something. We had intercourse 3 times that night. It was passionate, sensual, and kinky. And, it doesn’t help that dude is FIINNNNEEE as hell.

I had no problem with his focus being on me and my needs. It had been a year since I was intimate with someone. He was at my place from10 pm to 6 am. And, during pillow talk I asked if he was married, which he replied, no. But, something in his voice told me it was more to that. The next day he calls and says he wanted to be honest with me because I’m a really cool person and he admitted that he was indeed married. I wanted to slap the -ish out of him.

We talked and he said that his marriage is a good business decision, and, that while him and his wife were dating they would have threesomes. He said they were great friends and she has never tried to limit him.

Well, since they’ve been married she wants just a normal life. She knows he’s a freak and craves chocolate. So, she allows him to have day and night passes as long as it doesn’t interfere with her time. I flat out told him to keep her and don’t ever leave her. Because it would be hard to find someone with that set up.

Over the phone, he told me that his tongue and my body need to have a meeting. Would I be wrong to allow him to?  After all, as long as it’s safe and fun. And, I can’t be disrespecting their union, besides, they have an unconventional marriage. I’m not trying to break up nobody’s home. I’m just simply focusing on my needs. I don’t want anything serious right now and maybe this could be the ideal set up. But, can a girl just live and do my diligence and allow dude to be taste tester? – Signed Sista Wife a.k.a. Sista FWB

Dear Ms. Signed Sista Wife a.k.a. Sista FWB,

Did your ex hurt you so bad that you gave up on ‘brothas’ and so you decided to explore your desire and attraction to white men? I’m just saying this is what it sounds like.

Your ex, whom you were discussing marriage and creating a family with, was the man you loved and wanted to spend the rest of your life with. And, when you got pregnant it was decided that you would have an abortion. A decision you said left your heart and spirit broken. And, though you’ve come to terms with it, you are still working on you, and, your ex has since apologized which has been a breakthrough.

So, as a work in progress, you make a choice to venture into different terrain and explore white men. There is nothing wrong with dating outside your race. I do think more people should do it and not limit themselves. You never know where you may find love, and with whom. However, I wouldn’t advise someone to date outside of their race because they were hurt by an ex, and because of a major life decision which left them heart and spirit broken. I would recommend really working on healing yourself, and your body. Why, do you ask?

Case in point: You meet a white guy online, hung out, and then had amazing sex, which led to an all-night session. Nothing wrong with that. But, when you asked if he was married, he lied. Strike number one. He calls you the next day to tell you the truth because you’re a cool person. Strike number two. He proceeds to tell you about his marriage situation and that it is a business decision, and how his wife allows him day and night passes to get his chocolate fix. Strike number three. Now, you’re asking me if you should continue to hook up with him because you don’t want to break up their happy home, and you don’t feel it would be interfering with their union since they have an understanding. Besides, you’re not looking for anything serious, so what is the problem, right?

Well, let’s be honest. You’re a fetish for him. He is not going to leave his wife for you. He enjoys having sex with black women which explains why he said his wife knows he craves chocolate. So, she gives him day and night passes so that he can do him. I’m sure if he is online meeting black women for a hook-up, then, this is something that has been going on for a while now. You are not his first, nor will you be his last. You’re just his newest fascination of chocolate coochie.

He’s married. Regardless of what their arrangement is, if it’s a business decision, and his wife knows he’s getting his chocolate fix to satisfy his craving, the fact remains he’s married. You have this information, and you know this going into this situation. I don’t recommend sleeping with someone who is married, regardless of what is going on in their marriage.

You do need to do more work on yourself, and heal. Notice that you leaped head first into this, and the first guy you meet is someone who is married, and he initially lied to you about his situation. When you’re hurting you make irrational decisions and choices. And, I’m sure if you were you paying attention, or if you would have really taken the time to get to know him then you would have waited to sleep with him and you would have probably learned about his situation before getting into bed with him. Now, ask yourself, if you would have known about his situation beforehand, would you still have slept with him? But, because you had mind-blowing sex, and he spent hours munching on your kitty-kat, now you want more of it. You want him to tend to your bodily needs and desires. Is it worth it?

You’re a grown woman, and you’re going to do what you want to do anyway. If you proceed, then please use protection and make sure you engage in safe sex. You don’t know his sexual patterns, and the other women he may be sleeping with. Don’t get to know his wife, or befriend her. Don’t take your relationship outside of the bedroom. It is a friends with benefits situation. Leave it there. And, definitely do not engage in a threesome if asked. If they did it in the past, then I’m sure it will come up now. Don’t do it! I also recommend that you continue to work on you. There is a lot of healing that needs to be done. Work on your heart, mind, and soul. Work on your body and emotions. If you truly work on you and heal yourself, then I’m sure this is a situation you wouldn’t even entertain. – Terrance Dean

Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below! Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Dean:  loveandrelationships@bossip.com  Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter:  @terrancedean and “LIKE” Terrance Dean on Facebook, click HERE!

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