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Dear Bossip,

So, this has less to do with a romantic relationship, but more with a friendship. I’m a female in my 20s that’s fallen on hard times.

I lost my job last year in October due to the company losing funds. They also screwed the employees out of our pensions, so I had to rely on my savings & unemployment (which was B.S. by the way). Plus, my ex decided he didn’t want a college-educated woman with no job so he broke up with me. Saddened, heartbroken, but never undetermined, I continued to look for other means of employment with no success.

I couldn’t pay my rent anymore, so I had to give up my place, and was actively looking for work while living in my car for months. Well, because my pride is so heavy, no one was aware of my situation but my best friend. She eventually convinced me to pack my things and move in with her (and her 2 children) and to stay until I got my life together. Things looked up for me after that. I agreed to pay her rent and utilities for my stay. I also shell out about $200 for food since my friend doesn’t work and I feel they really need it, and she’s given me a room to myself.

Well, fast forward a couple weeks later. I’ve found adequate employment and I start sometime in the beginning of December. Problem is my friend has NO CONTROL over her kids. They are very rude and disrespectful. They steal from my make-up bag. They NEVER clean the house, only I do and it’s irritating. Although, they’ve embraced me in the home, but they will not listen to any adult. They’re loud and boisterous at random hours of the night, and just all around ghetto, but I love them dearly and treat them like family.

However, they waltz into my room unannounced frequently, so I’ve had to place a lock on my door to keep them out when I’m not home, or don’t want to be disturbed. Although my friend disciplines them regularly, they’re still rambunctious. They’ve made living here uncomfortable for me. Also, my friend has an illness that causes her to be in pain literally all night and most of the day. Because the pain circulates in her body, she’ll ask me to massage her until the pain is bearable. I’ve no problem doing this because she didn’t ask to be sick and it’s unfortunate, but I NEVER get any sleep! She’ll wake me at random hours of the night and ask me to massage her for HOURS at a time. I’m not making this up. This is almost a nightly thing. I’m a grown woman that wakes up at 6 every morning. I can’t wake up at 3am and be a massage therapist!

So, I skipped out. I haven’t left completely, but I’m hardly around. Sometimes I drive to the park, and I park my car, pull out one of your books and a blanket and SLEEP! I won’t answer my phone when she calls me because I know she needs me to be there because of her pain. She’s asked me why I’m never home anymore, but I’ll lie and say I’m busy because I don’t want to hurt her feelings and seem ungrateful. She’s truly done a lot for me in my current situation, and I don’t know anyone else who would.

Okay…I’m tired at night. I’m paying her rent to stay in a house that’s never quiet, never clean, and the owner needs a full-time nurse. I’m not a damn caregiver! Does that make me sound selfish? I hate that I don’t start work until this month, otherwise. I’d have gotten my own place by now. But, she needs the rent that I’m paying her also ($375/mo mind you) and I don’t want to just snatch that away either. What would you do? Because I’m about one more massage away from happily going back to my car until that first payday. – Need Space & Privacy

Dear Ms. Need Space & Privacy,

If you are paying $375 a month to her for rent, and an additional $200 for food, which means by calculations you are paying $575 a month to live with her, then why didn’t you just go to an extended stay hotel? Hell, you could have gotten a studio apartment for that amount.

I also wonder why you didn’t reach out to family members if you were facing being homeless. You didn’t mention if you live in the same city as your family, but if you did, then why not reach out to them? You’re paying someone $575 a month for a room with some bratty ass kids, a house that isn’t clean, it’s loud, and your friend has made you her personal massage therapist. Uhm, so, you’re paying to be inconvenienced. Chile, you could have saved your damn money and stayed in your car.

I digress.

Since you’re no longer staying with your friend, and you’re back to where you started, then you tell her that you will not be helping her out any longer as you’re moving on. You thank her for opening her home and giving you a place to stay, and you start saving your coins to find your own place.

Considering you start your new job this month, and you probably won’t get paid until the third week, then, I recommend you take that first paycheck, and find you an apartment. Start scouting where you would like to live, and then make the calls to find out what the security deposit/down payment will be for a nice quiet apartment where you will be alone and by yourself. Then, when you get paid in the upcoming weeks, you invest in a bed, kitchen appliances, bathroom toiletries, and you gradually start building. Take your time and build slow. You don’t need to get everything at once, but you build over time, and eventually. I recommend this because each time you get paid you should save between $50 to $100 from your paycheck, and put it into an account for emergencies like this one. You don’t ever want to be caught out there again and you find yourself sleeping in a car.

In regards to your friend, and how to tell her about her bad ass kids, and her massage requests in the middle of the night. I recommend you be polite and let her know that if she is in pain and she has a medical condition in which her body needs constant attention, then she should apply for Medicare/Medicaid and request for a home attendant, or find a doctor who can diagnose her pain. She needs medical care, and she should not ignore it, or wait until it gets worse. Just let her know that you are concerned about her health, and that her kids should be more supportive and nurturing, especially if they are older, such as teenagers. Then, you mention that her kids are quite “rambunctious.” “They sure are some busy bodies.” You can’t tell someone how to raise their kids, but you can let her know that oftentimes you felt uncomfortable in the home especially that you had to put a lock on your door to keep them out of your things. If they do this in the home, then who knows what they will do in public. This is something that needs to be addressed, and she should discipline her children before this gets further out of hand.

Best of luck to you and your new job. And, let this be a lesson learned. – Terrance Dean

***(Attention all media/news outlets, if you use this story and letter, or any parts of this content for your outlets you must give credit to this site, the columnist, and his advice)***

Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below! Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Dean:  loveandrelationships@bossip.com  Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter:  @terrancedean and “LIKE” Terrance Dean on Facebook, click HERE!

Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15); Hiding In Hip Hop (Atria   Books – June 2008); and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!

   

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