Dear Bossip: My Fiance is White, His Family Hates Me & They Don't Know We're Engaged

Dear Bossip,

I am a 24-year old black woman dating a 23-year old white male. We have been together for almost a year, and friends for longer.

My family LOVES him. They invite him to every event and even cook for him. He loves them right back; he’s always willing to lend a helping hand and/or just hang out.

The issue is with his family. A few months ago, I flew with him to Wisconsin to meet his large family. I was very nervous and didn’t know what to expect. He comes from money and I grew up in a small house in the ghetto (I never wanted for anything). I was told that the first day there I would be meeting EVERYONE. Having a fear of crowds and other anxiety disorders, I gave it a go. No one really spoke to me or acknowledged me except for the children (kids tend to come to me easily) and the wife of one of his brothers. His older sister, (I’ll call her Gwen) had it out for me the moment I got there.

Earlier that morning, while I was on my phone texting, (I was still working even though I was there). Gwen’s daughter came up to me to play, and I was so deep in giving directions and figures that I didn’t notice. His sister proceeded to say, “She doesn’t want to play with you because she is sooo busy on her phone.” Strike one.

The next strike came from Facebook. We all went out to eat and play games at the arcade, and I made a status as to how few and far between I see blacks. Apparently that night she went home and showed her ENTIRE FAMILY my posts, calling me a racist and other lewd things (she is not a friend of mine on FB; basically she stalked me). The next morning my fiancé said something to me about it. I explained that it was out of context and that sat well with him. Next thing I know Gwen comes barging into the room (she was listening at the door) demanding that she speak to me about it. I assured her it was not that deep and apologized (much to my chagrin; just to keep it light for the rest of the trip) and that was that. Strike 2.

The final strike came the next day. She once again stalked me via social media and showed her family posts that she ASSUMED were about her/them. My boyfriend came to me about it AGAIN and she once again barged in to the room, stating, “This is a conversation that I think I need to be a part of,” and began to verbally rip into me in front of my fiancé and her 2 young children (mind you each time that this has happened, NO other family members were present or home). She said, “I don’t know how your family does things, but my family…..If this were my Brooklyn side of the family then this would be over before it began….If I were you and arguing like this in the first six months, I would call it off…” etc (just a sample of the bull-ish that was flowing from her mouth).

In the end, he decided that his family must be right, and he sent me packing back to California. Alone. His sister was the only one who could drive me to the airport, as he was too distraught, and the last thing she said was, “I’m sorry that we argued. I hope you can find what you’re looking for.” I told her I am ALWAYS fine and goodbye.

Long story short, he came back to CA to pack his things with the plans of moving back home. He apologized and admitted that he lets his family control his life and made the decision to stay with me in California. The news shook his family. His mother even flew down without telling him and just popped up at his house. Thank God I left 30 minutes earlier.

Since then he has told his family to step back and let him live his life and respect his decision (even though his sister continues to stalk me and call him updating him on my FB and the things I have posted, even though she and I are not friends on FB, trying to sway his decision about staying with me).

Look, the thing is this – At first I didn’t care, however lately the more our relationship progresses and the more I see him with my family, the more it pains me that his family does not like me. It sits on my mind heavily. We are engaged, everyone knows on my side but no one on his side. It makes me feel like a secret of shame. I’m not saying that I want to be one of the clan; I just want to be respected. Just knowing that I was disrespected in such a manner makes me very sad. I feel like they will never accept me or respect me, no matter what I do. It also makes it seem like he still isn’t standing up to his family.

I have yet to bring it up to my fiancé, as I do not want to cause and stress, but it is extremely hard to move forward with this hanging over your head. How do proceed? – It’s Raining In California

Dear Ms. It’s Raining In California,

End it. End the engagement. End the relationship.

Your fiancé never defended you, not once when he took you home to meet his family. His sister barged into the room, not once, but twice, and he never confronted her and told her to mind her business. Then, after the second heated confrontation he sends you packing to go back home, alone, and because he is too distraught to take you to the airport himself, he sends you to the airport with the same sister who berated and argued with you. As if to torture you even more. SMDH! Nope. Naw. Oh, hell to the naw! The relationship would have been over right then.

Then, when he comes back to California to get his things he realizes that he needs to stand up for himself, and be his own man, and he wants to commit to being with you, but the news doesn’t sit well with his family, and his mother flies in and pops up unannounced at his home to confront him about his decision. Nope. Naw. Oh, hell to the naw! Ma’am, he’s already told you that his family controls him, and as you have witnessed firsthand they are too involved with his life. He is too easily swayed and manipulated by them. Get out of this while you still have a chance.

First of all, when the sister barged into the room, well, let’s just say that would have been the last time she barged into any room, especially to berate, and argue with me. No ma’am! Sister, or no sister, family or no family. All manner of feet would have been up in her ass!

Anyway, what will happen when you and he argue, or have a disagreement? He will whine and cry to them about your issues and problems, and his momma and sister will be flying in to confront you and persuading him to leave with them. Or, what about when he does finally tell them he is engaged. Then what? Again, they will be all in your business, and they will get in his head about how this marriage won’t work, they disapprove of you, of it, and that they won’t show up to the wedding. He will call it off, but then, you will persuade him to stay and he will, and then they will be flying into town to talk him out of it. Girl, no! End it. He is not man enough or strong enough to handle his family. He is too easily persuaded and controlled by them. Girl, you better take heed and know that your visitation was just a tip of the iceberg of what you will be dealing with. I mean, just imagine when they hear of the engagement and then the wedding, and lawd, knows what will happen at the wedding, if they show up.

Why do you want to be with someone who doesn’t stand up for you? Why do you want to be with someone who is not willing to defend you, or your honor? He is not willing to confront his family and tell them to back off and let him be his own man. He cannot tell them to back up and stop berating you or targeting you. He isn’t a man. He’s still a boy, especially if his sister and momma are running his life and telling him what to do, and he’s so easily persuaded by them.

Look, he’s in California doing his thing, and out of sight from his family. I’m sure he is there as a way and means to find his own independence from his family in Wisconsin. He is running from them, and he wants to have his own independence. But, obviously he is not finding too much independence when his momma is showing up unexpectedly and demanding he comes home. He’s still a child, and immature.

But, more importantly, he has not told them you are engaged. He has not informed his family of that you are his fiancé. He hasn’t gone to them to introduce you as the woman he plans to marry and add to the family. Honestly, I’m not sure he ever will. And, as a matter of fact, I know for sure he is not going to after the confrontation when he took you home. So, as much as your family may be loving, open, and accepting of him, his family is not with you. They don’t want you as part of their family. They had it out for you since day one. And, why would you want to marry into a family that is obviously racist. Yes, they are racist. Notice how his sister tried to call you a racist after your FB post, but, it was only her projection that was coming to light.

You can let your fiancé know that as much as you love him and want to get married, however, his family is too controlling and have too much say in his life. You are not ready to get married into an obviously racist family, and lawd knows what names and other things they will start calling you once you’re married, and you have children. You’re not signing up for any of this, and you need a man, not a boy, who will have your back, and defend your honor.

End this relationship before it causes you more stress and headaches. He is not going to stand up for you, defend you, or get his family to respect you. They don’t like you. If and when he tells them that he is engaged to be married, it will be a matter of hours before he is calling you to tell you that the engagement is off. Hell, I bet his mother and sister will probably move to California in an effort to make sure he doesn’t marry you. If you remain with him, and he does tell his family about the engagement just get ready for round 2 of his family and it will get uglier. – Terrance Dean

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