Dear Bossip: He's Put His Hands On Me & I'm A Good Woman, But Is It My Fault?

Dear Bossip,

When I first met the guy I’m seen now almost three years ago he started off pretty decent.

I didn’t know he was married at the time, but when I found out he had asked her for a divorce and he finally got divorced a year later. Yes, I chose to stay.

Anyhow, he was verbally abusive in the beginning he was drunk and called me names like I was his wife. I just figured it was just a drunk night because I never dealt with that before. As it got more deep I’d run home because of all the verbally abusive things he was calling me, etc. Well, I decided to stay and move with him. There were days that he would drink and he would call me names and sometimes he would shake me, and I always stayed calm and would cry and blame myself. He would wake up the next day and say he’s embarrassed and never apologized for any of it because he says he can’t take it back. I got to the point where I would fight back. I would also start lying to protect myself from more damage, and so I also wouldn’t be in trouble. I thought of leaving and that’s as far as it got.

Recently, this year, it’s been horrible. It’s gotten to the point that I have black eyes, and every time he would say anything verbally abusive and soberly, I would smack him. I’m at the point that when he’s drunk I don’t fight him. He’s even called my children names while he’s drunk. He says I’m to blame for his actions because I lie and hide guys.

Also, I took him to Maury to prove to him that our son was his because he wanted me to get rid of him when he was first conceived. It’s at the point now where he says he tells me the truth and I don’t like it, but can’t tell his ex-wife what he’s done. I need you point of view. I’ve built so much sadness and anger. When he puts me down I try my best to be the person I am. It’s a mess and I want to understand why? Is it all my fault? – Where Did It Go Wrong

Dear Ms. Where Did It Go Wrong,

Mistake number one – you stayed with a married man even after learning he was married. Thus, he was never your man from the beginning. He always belonged to someone else. And, if you didn’t have the sense or concern to not be involved with a married man, then you will not take heed to the advice of why you should leave an abusive man who has put his hands you, shaken you, and blackened your eye. You ended your letter by asking me if the reason he abuses you, talks down to you, doesn’t trust you, berates you and your children, and never apologizes for any of his behavior toward you, if any of this is your fault? Ma’am, you should really look at yourself and ask yourself if you deserve any of this? And, the basic answer is NO! HELL NO!

I bet you thought when he divorced his wife that he was doing it for you. I bet you felt that he was moving forward so that you and he could be together. Sadly, you’ve only inherited the trouble, and pain that another woman was smart enough, and finally able to get rid of.

Mistake number two – You’re involved with a man who is a drunk. He has an alcohol problem, and, again, you knowingly took this on. You took him on as some project, as something you could fix, repair, and make better. You stayed with him hoping he would change and see you for the good woman you are to him, and that you will never leave or abandon him. What’s sad is that you chose to move in with him despite knowing this information. What woman in her right mind would tell herself, or even convince herself that a man who drinks to get drunk, then calls her names, bullies her, and pushes her around would think it’s a good idea to move in with this same man? You consistently sit in the home while he gets into a drunken stupor and he unleashes his anger and abuse onto you. You’ve allowed yourself to become his personal punching bag. This is more about your low self-esteem, and you not having any self-worth.

Mistake number three – You then say that recently it, during this year, the abuse has gotten worse. Uhm, ma’am, it was worse from day one when you learned he was married. He is a liar. He led you to believe he was a single man, and then you discover he was married. Thus, that makes him dishonest, and untrustworthy. You should have walked away then. You should have ended the relationship, and moved on with your life. But, you didn’t, and despite knowing this information, and knowing his behavior and propensity to lie to you, you remain in a relationship with him, and decide to move in with him. SMDH! So, sweetie, it hasn’t gotten worse this year. He has always been the man to abuse you, verbally berate you, and put his hands on you. Why you chose to accept it and think it was normal is beyond me.

Mistake number four – He abuses you physically, mentally, and emotionally. You must not love yourself at all. You have put up with this for a long time, and you still don’t see how and why you should have boiled some hot grits, or watched the movie, “The Burning Bed.” He keeps doing to you what you allow him to do to you. And, you internalize this and you really think you’re the reason and the problem for his abuse. Look, no one deserves to be abused. No man should be putting his hands on you, and then turn around and blame you as the reason for why he does what he does. HUH? That is absurd. He is blaming you and saying that he beats you, verbally assaults you, and is aggressive toward you because you lie and hide guys. NO! That is not the reason. He is an insecure, immature, weak-minded, trifling, little d**k having, who picks on women, threatens them, and doesn’t have the heart or balls to ever confront any man his own size. He’s spineless and pitiful. Why do you want to be with a man like that?

Look, I could go on and on. But, you’re going to have to develop the courage to stand up for yourself, get the spirit of a thousand strong women, and you have to tell yourself that enough is enough. You have to finally want better for yourself, and your children and not remain in this unhealthy relationship. You ‘re going to have to walk away, and leave him behind. He is killing you day by day. He is destroying your spirit, what’s little left of it. And, if you think the black eye and shaking will only persist, then you are sadly mistaken. He will brutally beat you, and you will end up in the hospital or in the grave. You decide today if this is what you are waiting for. You decide today if you’ve had enough. You decide today if you will make it the last time he or any man puts their hands on you. Until you recognize your strength, and your will, then it will only be a matter of time before your children and your family members will be standing over you crying, but you won’t even be able to witness it because you’ll be six feet under. Get out of this relationship. Go to family court, and get full custody of your child, and put him on child support. Then, get a restraining order from the courts and from the police. Stay far away from him for your own safety and your children’s safety. Save yourself before it’s too late. – Terrance Dean

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