Dear Bossip: He's In The Military & I'm Not The Only Girl He's Been Writing

Dear Bossip,

A few months ago I began dating a guy that I recently graduated high school with.

The first date we had coffee and he texted me back immediately after the date to make sure I got home okay and to ask if I wanted to go to a football game with him and his dad the next night. I was delighted and said, yes! After the game, we went back to his house and watched a movie, but we only cuddled. That night, he asked if I wanted to go to a college party with him the next day and I said, yes, but he cancelled after I told him I don’t drink. I was upset, but then he asked me out to dinner the next night and he paid. Then, he took me stargazing and at the age of 18, I got my first kiss. That night, he decided to DTR (Define The Relationship) over text and tell me that because he was leaving for Marine boot camp the next week, a relationship would be out of the question. He also said that because he was my first kiss, he didn’t want to pressure me to do more things if we made things serious. I didn’t want to agree, but I ended up agreeing with him. We decided to still be friends and we were supposed to hang out the next week, but we didn’t.

I sent him a letter at boot camp and 3 months later we’ve written back and forth. He says he misses me and that he can’t wait to see me. He even brought up the possibility that he could come hunting with my family and I in the fall. He said even if I’m busy, he’s going to show up in the middle of my college class in his uniform and pick me up. A close mutual friend even told me his mother was trying to contact me – I never met his mother, so I’m assuming either he told her about me through letters or his dad (they’re divorced) and mentioned me.

This all sounds so romantic, but there’s one problem: I found out from a trusted friend that he has been writing letters to one other girl he talked to before he dated me and he’s also writing to his ex-girlfriend. I did some Twitter stalking and the other girls have been writing stuff like “Only _____ days until I get to see _______, and _______days!”

It makes me very upset even though I don’t have a reason to be mad because he made it clear that we weren’t in a relationship. However, the little hints in his letters (saying he misses me and can’t wait to see me, writing a letter back to my mom, drawing a heart after his name, etc.) I am very very confused. I’m confident that the other girls do not know that he is writing to me, and my mother said that I have a “one up” on them because of this.

I will also add that I told my aunt about his other female pen pals and she recommended that I send him a really good picture of myself, so I sent him my senior picture. He wrote back that his “rack mate thinks I’m pretty cute,” and his friends say I’m a 10. This sounds quite shallow, but I’ve been told by friends that I am prettier than the other girls he’s writing to and I’m just as intelligent as them as well.

How should I act while he is back for 10 days? Should I prepare for him to make a move on me? It sounds crazy because we only went on three dates, but I am very fond of him and his kindness, charisma, good looks, and bravery. Is he even worth the tears and prayers that a relationship may still form? – Waiting For My Soldier

Dear Ms. Waiting For My Soldier,

I don’t understand why you would compete for a man’s attention knowing he is actively engaging, pursuing, or entertaining other women. And, why are you hopeful for some type of relationship to form? He told you before he left that he was not looking for a long-term relationship or commitment. He emphatically told you that a relationship was out of the question. So, how or why do you have it in your head that a relationship is possible? Based on some letters you and he have exchanged?

Girl, let’s be very clear of what he is telling you without telling you – he wants sex. Nothing more, and nothing less. He is entertaining you, along with the other women simply because when he comes home after being gone for several months, with no physical contact with women, and not having any sex, he wants to come home and you women will fall into rotation on his cycle to fill his sexual needs and desires until he is deployed. That is all!

Now, if that is what you want, and you clear about this, then do you. You’re grown. Make sure you use protection and protect yourself. But, don’t think this will go any further than you want it to. He’s in the military. His life will consist of him being gone for long stretches at a time. He can’t be committed to you while he is focusing on preparing for the military. He has other things on his mind. You’re just some ass waiting at home for him. And, you’re not the only woman waiting for him. He has two other women that you know of. You’ve seen their tweets by Twitter stalking their pages. He’s away from home and misses home. You and the other women give him glimpses of what things are like back at home. You’re giving him conversation, keeping him connected to his world, his life back in the city where you live. You’re his connection to his past as he moves forward. And, most likely he’s lonely. He’s horny. And, your letters provide him with comfort.

I think you need to let go of this fantasy you have in your head of this romantic life you’ve envisioned between you and he. This is not a war movie. He is not your soldier who is away fighting a war and you’re the not-really-a-girlfriend-but-a-girl-he-met-right-before-he-left-for-the-war, and you shared a kiss, your first kiss, and you think this means something to him as it means something to you. It doesn’t. Trust me. It really doesn’t. And, honey, this is not a romance novel or Hollywood movie. The reality is he signed up for the military. You and he went out on a few dates before he left for bootcamp. Before he left he told you that he was not interested in a relationship, but he kissed you, giving you your first kiss. He’s you’re first. And, you want him to be your first lover. He knows the dangers of being the first because you will become too attached, and want a relationship. So, he nipped that in the bud, but in the same breathe he told you that when you’re ready for him to take you to bed he will be there, he will wait, he will be patient, and he will stick around for ONLY that.

Since he’s been gone you’ve constructed in your head that there is a possibility for a relationship. There is some hope for a romance to blossom. Sorry. But, you need to get out of your head. And, quite honestly, I don’t see why you wouldn’t ask him about the other girls. Ask him if he is entertaining or seeing other women. However, it’s not any of your business because he’s told you he’s not interested in a relationship, so whatever he is telling the other women is probably the same thing he’s telling you. And, like you, they are hopeful for something more. I just think he’s not being upfront and honest about his intentions. Now, if you want to confront him on that, then go ahead. Ask him if sex is really what he wants, and if he can be honest about it. If that is what he really has on his mind, and what he really wants when he comes home, and if you are on board with being one of his bed partners, then, again, knock yourself out. But, don’t get too attached to anything else. Enjoy this for what it really is – you’re pen pals. I also hope that instead of waiting on him that you move on and date other guys and not compete for that ONE guy you know other women are vying for. Stop investing all your time and energy into something that will never manifest. And, just remember in the future that when a guy tells you he’s not interested in a relationship, then he is not interested in a relationship. – Terrance Dean

***(Attention all media/news outlets, if you use this story and letter, or any parts of this content for your outlets you must give credit to this site, the columnist, and his advice)***

Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below! Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Dean:  loveandrelationships@bossip.com  Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter:  @terrancedean and “LIKE” Terrance Dean on Facebook, click HERE!

Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15); Hiding In Hip Hop (Atria   Books – June 2008); and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!