Dear Bossip: Why Won't He Get Himself Together & Be A Better Man For Me?

Dear Bossip,

My guy and I have been in a committed relationship for 2 years now, and have known each other for around 3 years total.

Let me preface this by saying he’s a man of few words. I battle from time to time in letting go and allowing him to be masculine because I feel I need to be strong at all times. At this point in our relationship I feel it’s too late to reverse this. On top of that, I’ve shared with him that I’m finding it increasingly difficult to sit back and be okay with changes he has yet to make.

When we first met he explained that his employment situation was temporary because of being laid off. Me, being understanding, I was okay knowing that he has two smaller jobs to take care of his responsibilities. Although, often times he doesn’t make the best decision with his money. Well, time continued to pass and he still hasn’t attempted to change the situation – instead he’s hoping a job will magically fall into his lap by someone telling him of job opportunities. I’ve told him about countless opportunities, but he hasn’t acted on any. I feel I’ve been more than patient.

As simple as we fit together, that still isn’t enough. Even in sharing with him that I would love if we went to church together (church is important to me and I’m very active), he won’t do that. I would love to have at least one child together (He has 3, and I have none).  He isn’t ecstatic about it (He said he’ll give me one if that’s what I want, but he doesn’t know if he would be happy if we ended up pregnant; I respond by saying he doesn’t have to worry about that since we aren’t married). I want us to spend more time together with my friends and family, but he rarely, like less than every blue moon, wants to do that. He would rather us be alone, or with his children, or only his friends and family. Things like that I have been brought up occasionally.

Recently, I learned that he has been flirting with other women in person and via text. When I addressed this to see if my frequent “riding” him to provide me with my wants and needs have opened him up to inviting and participating in flirting, he said no. Moreover, and most alarming, he has no reason at all for flirting. So, I’m hesitant in continuing on. When asked how do I know it won’t happen again, he tells me “Because it won’t, although I know you won’t believe me.” In my mind, this was just a stepping stone for him to cheat.

I’ve shared countless times in the past that I’m patient and willing to help him to grow. But, I’m no longer willing to just sit back because nothing has changed for real out of these three years (if anything I feel I’ve grown negatively, as in stupid, for waiting for someone to want better for their own person). He knows that I won’t marry him until some things are aligned in his life.

Recently, he hit me with the “You wanted marriage and I tried to marry you, but you said no. If you love me you would accept me as I am.” All of that may be true, but I am a believer that you come as you are, BUT you don’t stay there; you are supposed to evolve. I told him at this time, I cannot marry him until this, that and the third or settled, but I would love to still be his wife after those things are in place. Granted, I acknowledge what that may have done to him, his pride, and thoughts/feelings of our relationship.

At this point he feels that I have stayed this long and that I should continue to accept things as they are. I take issue with that because I stayed this long because I believed in him and that he wanted more from life and that we could grow from and grow toward one another. I feel I’m at the end of the rope and only he can save us.

I’ve accomplished a lot in my life and plan to continue doing so. I just want to complete them with him. Am I being too hard on him? Or, is he the problem that I have created? I feel this is the end of us. – Why Stay Together

Dear Ms. Why Stay Together,

The moment that I read this line from your letter, “I battle from time to time in letting go and allowing him to be masculine because I feel I need to be strong at all times,” I said to myself that this relationship is over, doomed, destroyed, and I am not sure why he is still there. Then, when I read the part where he was flirting with women in person and on text message, and you confronted and questioned him and he responded, “When asked how do I know it won’t happen again, he tells me “Because it won’t, although I know you won’t believe me,” I said to myself he sounds like a scolded child, a defeated child, a child who is attempting to please a parent. I asked myself, Why is he in this relationship with his mother, this woman?

Basically, Ms. Mother-Wants-To-Control-Her-Man, you are not in relationship with a man, you are being this man’s mother, and acting like an authoritarian. That statement saying you are letting go and allowing him to be masculine is very emasculating. I bet you make you him feel that because you have a full-time job, and he only has his two part-time jobs, well, you said, “his two smaller jobs,” which is a way to pooh-pooh his basic little jobs which does not compare to your big full-time job. Now, let me tell you how this sounds, and what your letter sounds like: You are accomplished, and he’s not. You’re better than him. He’s weak and needs guidance, direction, and scolding. You know what’s best for him. He doesn’t know what’s best for himself. You tell him what to do, but he doesn’t listen to you. He needs discipline because you’re responsible, and you’re tired of his lackadaisical attitude. You tell him to go to church, and he needs Jesus, and if he is going to live in your house then he needs to be going to church on Sunday. And, he needs better involvement and engagement with your family and friends because his social skills are poor. You want a child and you only need him as a sperm donor, though you would prefer him to be a father, a parent, but because he isn’t fit to be a parent, then, you’ll settle with him being a sperm donor until he gets himself together, because maybe having a child with you will make him shape up. Oh, and you are better with your money, and he doesn’t know how to handle money. He’s bad in all his efforts in this relationship, and you’re better at it. And, because you’re about your business, and he’s not, then, he better get on board and shape up. Therefore, he needs you and he better recognize he needs you or you’re out of there.

Now, let’s ask you some questions – Why are you still with him? Why remain? If he is not fulfilling and giving you what you need and desire, then why are you invested in this relationship? Why would you want to have a child with a man who already has 3 children? What will having another child prove? You want to be baby momma number two or three? It appears that he’s happy with his two smaller jobs, especially since he hasn’t acted on the job opportunities you presented to him, so why can’t you just let him be happy and do him? If he is flirting with women in person and on text message, then he’s probably tired of you and your “riding him.” He is seeking an outlet, something new, something fresh, something different. He is not happy.

Here’s my thing – 1.) When you met him he was like this. He told you this was how he was. Yet, you came in like the clean-up woman and figured you would fix him, make him into the man you wanted him to be, and turn his life around. That was a big mistake. You can’t make someone do and be something they don’t want to be. Many of you women see these men as projects, and can’t wait to sink your claws into them and change their lives. BIG MISTAKE!

2.) He wasn’t going to church when you met him, and, if after three years you keep asking him to go to church with you and he has continued to refuse, then I’m pretty sure he is not going to start attending now, or ever.

3.) When you met him he was laid off, and temporarily had two smaller jobs which was helping to take care of HIS responsibilities, and you said you were fine with this. Now, and because you’re tired of it, and because you want him to have something more, you want him to seek other opportunities and get a BIG full-time job, like you, and be an adult. It’s funny and comical to me when folks tell me how they tell their friends and partners and mates about job opportunities and their friends and partners and mates don’t follow-up with the lead and they wonder why. As much as you may want to hold his hand, take him to the job, fill-out the application, then take him to the interview, tell him what to say (basically answer for him), and make sure he don’t “F” up, well, unless he wants it for himself you can’t make him do anything he doesn’t want to do. Maybe, that is not the job he wants. Maybe, that is not his dream. Maybe, he is happy with what he has. And, until he is tired, fed up, and ready to do more, then only he can get off his ass and do more.

4.) He has 3 children already, and by how many women? You want to have a child with him. Why would you want to bring another child into this relationship? Are you that damn desperate!?! What will having a child do? A child will not fix or save this relationship. Do you want a child for selfish reasons?

5.) Yes, this relationship is over. It was long over before it began. You have all these demands, desires, wants, and needs. He is not fulfilling any of your demands, desires, wants, or needs. Get out of this relationship. He is not going to change. He has not changed in 3 years, therefore, please know that he will not change today, tomorrow, six months from now, or a year from now. He is the same man when you met him. Why do you feel the need to change him? Why is he your project to fix, to work on? Why do you want to marry him and he’s basically told you that you should accept him the way that he is, and this is as good as it gets. He is not your child. You are not his mother. And, because you continue to emasculate him, scold him like a child, and you feel he isn’t man enough for you, then why stay? Things are not going to change. But, I gather you will stay, you will continue to invest in him hoping, wishing, demanding, pushing, prodding and demanding he change and get with your program. And, you will not stop until you get what you want. Good luck with that! – Terrance Dean

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