Dear Bossip: I Want More From Our Situationship, But He Wants To Take It Slow

Dear Bossip,

I have been casually dating a guy since December of 2015. We were introduced through a mutual friend of ours at a party.

He approached me and asked me for my number. I currently live in L.A., but I am originally from the east coast, and he lives in my hometown back east. I was home for about two weeks, and we spent that two week period together. No sex, but we kissed and fondled a bunch. After the two week period, I went back to my life in L.A., but I found myself thinking about him constantly. We have crazy chemistry, we come from similar backgrounds, and we seem to have the same morals and goals when it comes to marriage and raising a family.

He was very consistent and texted me every day, but it would literally take him about 2 hours to respond to my text messages. Problem: I know his work schedule, and he works five hours a day. He does not have a crazy busy schedule, so it seems slightly shady that he takes forever to respond. We Facetime occasionally, but I am usually the one to initiate those calls.

I recently went back east in February for my dad’s birthday (and also to see this guy), and the chemistry was still at one hundred. We ended up having sex twice. Problem: The first time we were intimate, it was all good. The second time, he never finished. This has never happened to me before, and it made me completely self-conscious.

I end up going back to L.A., and after a few weeks I reached out to him to see what his thoughts were in regards to our situationship. This dude tells me he just got out of a two year relationship, and he wants to “take things slow, but he can definitely see himself being with me in the future, he just doesn’t want to rush things.” Okay. I’m cool with not rushing things. BUT – I recently found out that his ex-girlfriend is 20 years old, and he is 27 years old. I’m starting to wonder if this is a red flag. What could a 27 year old and 20 year old possibly have in common?! When he started dating her, he was 25 and she was 18 years old!

When he told me how he felt, I let him know that I understood, and I wanted to take things slow too, but I also respectfully started to distance myself because I know the territory that comes along with dating someone who is fresh out of a long-term relationship. He still texts me every day, and now that I have started to pull back from him, he is making what he feels the “extra effort” by texting back quickly. BLAH! BLAH! BLAH!

I guess my question for you, am I being stupid for still hoping for more from this dude? Or, is he totally playing me? I expect way more effort from someone if our situationship is long distance. He should be making his presence felt way more then what he is. We have discussed him coming to L.A. to see me, but with no action. I am a college graduate, and have a great job in the entertainment industry, and feel like I am a great catch, but I feel like I am ultimately competing with a damn CHILD for his heart and attention. I have no idea whether or not he still deals with this girl. My guess is no. But also, there is NO trace of this girl on any social media site. So, I can’t even get to investigating further on the topic! I am so damn confused, and don’t know if I should continue with this, if he even likes me. Did he tell me he wanted to “take things slow” to protect my feelings? – Long Distance Situationship

Dear Ms. Long Distance Situationship,

You met this man in December while visiting from the west coast, and it’s barely been three months, and you barely communicate, yet, you’re asking where this is going? Well, let’s just say that this situationship is not going progress into a relationship, if that is what you want and are seeking.

I am suspect to say that when he met you at the party and approached you for your number, he didn’t expect that you would be in the city visiting, though you are from there, but you now live on the west coast. Once he learned you were visiting for a short time, he knew what this was really going to be, and he figured he’d be able to hit and keep it moving, and you would go back home to the west coast. Thus, when you went back home and were texting him and expecting a quick response, he probably figured why rush to hit you back. You are not on the east coast – meaning, you were not in the immediate area, and it’s not like you and he could get together and go to dinner, out for drinks, or to a movie, or hang out and chill. Therefore, he leisurely texted you and really did not put any effort into it.

Side bar – notice that you are the one who is putting in the effort by texting, initiating Facetime, and you also went back home 2 months later, though it was for your father’s birthday, yet, it was also to see him. You are making all the initiation, and you are the one putting forth all the effort into this. You are pursuing this. You are wanting something more. You are attempting to build something. (I’m just reading what you wrote me and noticing some patterns). A man who wants a woman, and a man who is interested in a woman will pursue her relentlessly. He will initiate the calls, texts, and in the case of a long-term situation, he will find the way to get to her. He’s done none of this.

Now, when you travel back to your home city, and you and this guy hook up, do more hanging out, and you finally engage in intimacy, but, the second time he doesn’t finish. Hmmm, nothing unusual, but it’s unusual for you. Yet, if you and this guy have this great chemistry, and you’re both into one another, and you feel there is the potential for more, then I’m guessing he would be excited to be intimate with you, and excited to please you and himself. Something happened during your second time of intimacy, and something occurred, and he hasn’t been honest with you about it. Perhaps he had his ex on his mind, or he’s been communicating with her to get back together. Maybe he wasn’t feeling it or you as much, and he was only going through the motions. Who knows why he didn’t finish. Only he knows.

And, here is the reason why I get he is not being upfront with you. He waited until nearly three months later, and while you were back on the west coast to tell you that he had just come out of a two year relationship. Why had he not told you this when he first met you, or at least when you were texting him and dong Facetime? Why didn’t he tell you this when you came back to visit two months later and he could have said something face to face, and in person? He waited until you were gone, back on the west coast, after you’d been intimate, and until you brought up the question wondering what was going on with you and him. He has waited three months to tell you about his ex. He then says he wants to take things slow, and doesn’t want to rush things, but can see himself with you. Yet, he hasn’t made any initiative to come see you. He hasn’t made any efforts in his communication with you to be more proactive, to learn more about you, and to explore something further. I’m apt to say that he is only telling you what you want to hear. He is not really serious about you, or in exploring a relationship with you. You’re something to do, the rebound chick, until he gets back into the game and he meets another woman who is in the same city. He is trying to get over his ex, and you were someone to help him to start moving on.

Therefore, a long-term and long distance relationship is not something he is interested in, and you’d be better off to keep it at a distance. As a matter of fact, he just got out of a two year relationship with a much younger woman, so I don’t think he’s mentally, or emotionally ready to proceed into another relationship, or to give you what you want. And, you know better. You are even cautious to get involved with someone who just got of a relationship. Therefore, follow your instincts. Follow your gut. Do I think he’s playing games with you? No. I think he is not being upfront and honest. I think he is still in his feelings for his ex-girlfriend, and because she is much closer to him in proximity than you, there is a possibility they could reconnect, get back together, and you’ll never know until he hits you with the, “Me and my ex got back together.”

With that, and what I recommend is that you focus on your career, focus on your life on the west coast, and keep your options open for men who are in the same proximity as you. This man is not going to give you what you want, need, or desire. He is unable to emotionally or mentally invest into a new relationship when I’m sure his heart and head is someplace. And, I would be suspect to think that while he was intimate with you the second time, he probably had his ex on his mind. But, who knows why he was unable to finish. Only he can tell you what happened, and what was going on. And, I don’t think he would be honest and upfront enough to tell you. Therefore, invest your energy and redirect your focus toward something and someone who can and will be able to reciprocate their feelings and emotions back to you. A man who is interested, and wants to be with a woman will do whatever it takes to get to that woman, and she will not be pursuing him without any effort on his part to return the interest. Thus, I say chalk this up as a fun time experience you had with a guy back home, and whenever you travel back home you can hit him up and hang out. But, as far as a relationship, something more intimate and more personal and long-term, he is not the one. – Terrance Dean

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