Dear Bossip: We Agreed To Date Casually, But Now He Doesn't See It As Long Term

Dear Bossip,

I met a guy a few months back, and we had a healthy amount of things in common, and a good amount of differences among us to keep the plot interesting.

When we decided to date, we agreed it would be casual (meaning priorities come first, see each other when it worked, don’t get mad when we can’t make it out, but are exclusive). It was working amazingly well until a few days ago when he brought up how he doesn’t see this as being a long term thing, and consequently he asked if we should continue to date into the summer. He said he wanted both of us to think about it and then we can talk again this weekend.

When I asked why he thought it wouldn’t workout long term, he replied with, “There’s a few small things, but I haven’t really had the moment that I know you’re it.” Other than that, he hasn’t revealed what he feels. I haven’t talked to him since, but I’m already quite heartbroken because I didn’t realize until he made that statement that I believed he’s the one for me. There are so many things I’ve found in him that I’ve never found in anyone else. He loves God, hates religion, loves to party and dance, isn’t needy, and a free spirited–guy. I don’t think I could have ever found even two of those things in any other guy and, without forcing him to change his mind.

I’m determined to do something about this situation. I realized that if we talk and he feels totally uninterested I can’t do anything. However, if he doesn’t know what he wants shouldn’t I convince him to keep dating as we are for the summer? And, maybe he might eventually grow attached to me? (Of course, I know this would be a risk for me). I won’t force him to try and feel things that he doesn’t, but if I feel this strongly for him is there not something I can do? – Potentially Over

Dear Ms. Potentially Over,

I swear some of you women really just don’t get it. SMDH! In your own admission, you stated that when you first decided to start dating that it would be casual. You agreed to those terms and even set some conditions around your dating. Need I reflect on them, or do you need to re-read what you wrote?

Now, if someone came to me and said, “I don’t see this as being a long term thing.” Initially, yes, I would be like you and I would have asked why. And, when they pointed out that there are few small things, but they haven’t really had the moment to know I’m the one, then I would have said, “Deuces. It’s been real. Thank you for your honesty. And, I’m not going to try to convince you of why you need to be with me, especially if we’ve been dating casually for a few months and you’ve already made up in your mind that you don’t see this as a long term thing, and there are a few things that you quite can’t name.”  Naw, son, we are not going to drag this into the summer. I got –ish to do, and sweetie, so do you!

Uhm, boo boo, don’t be so desperate to be some man’s project or allow yourself to hang around hoping and wishing things work out while he figures it out. What the hell is wrong with you?!?! You’ve been dating for months under some “terms” that both of you created, and you mean to tell me he doesn’t know if you’re the one? Well, he knows that you’re not the one. He’s told you that he doesn’t see it going long term with you. Trust me, if he’s telling you this now, then there is nothing you can do to change his mind, and waiting through the summer while he figures it out is definitely a No-No. No man, and no person, will date someone for months without knowing if they are the one for them. A man knows when a woman is for him. And, unfortunately, he knows that you’re not the one for him.

But, chile, this man created the perfect situation for himself. I don’t think he ever wanted a relationship with you. I suspect that all he really wanted was to make you an exclusive “F” buddy. Yes, that’s all you are, were, and will be. He’s not interested in anything more with you. He wanted some steady booty, and you agreed to it. Now, when he wants to change the terms, and feels it’s not going to work on a long term basis, you’re all heartbroken and bent out of shape. WHY? You agreed to this asinine stunt.

End this sexual relationship and move on with your life. Yes, he is everything you wanted in a guy, but you have to realize and see this for what it is – a temporary bed buddy. Therefore, you fell in love with him, yet, he wasn’t falling in love with you. While you thought you were casually dating, and looking to build something, he was only looking to keep you on the side until he found someone else. Realizing that summer is coming, he knows there are going to be many more options. Unfortunately, you created this fantasy in your head of making him the ideal guy, and was hoping he was going to change or see you as the perfect woman for him. Breaking News:  HE DIDN’T! He was busy picking out those small things about you, and made up his mind a long time ago. The summer is almost here, and he’s looking to explore and find other potential partners for his ‘free-spirited, outgoing, and fun’ self. He doesn’t want to be exclusive anymore because there’s more out there, and you’ll be in the way if someone comes along.

Get out of this, and get over him. Move on, and recognize it as a fun time you had while it lasted. It was great, you got what you wanted, and he got what he wanted. You both agreed it was casual, so, casually walk your ass away. Don’t put your life on hold, or sit and wait for some man to make up his mind, or come to some conclusion as to whether or not he wants to be with you. Are you that damn desperate? Are you that damn delusional? Do you think he would sit and wait on you to make up your damn mind if the tables were turned? Girl, stop fooling yourself, and stop giving him the power over you and this relationship. You are not that weak. You are not that powerless. – Terrance Dean

***(Attention all media/news outlets, if you use this story and letter, or any parts of this content for your outlets you must give credit to this site, the columnist, and his advice)***

Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below! Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Dean:  loveandrelationships@bossip.com  Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter:  @terrancedean and “LIKE” Terrance Dean on Facebook, click HERE!

Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15); Hiding In Hip Hop (Atria   Books – June 2008); and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!