Dear Bossip: He Got Married While We Were Dating, It's Not Working & Now He's Back

Dear Bossip,

I am a single mom, who works hard for herself and her family. I have definitely struggled in the past, but I put myself through school and developed a pretty successful business.

I was dating a man a few years back, and it went pretty good. We were generally compatible, but there were a few bumps along the road. In general, he was sweet, kind, well mannered and wanted me way more than I wanted him. He had a stable job and wanted to eventually go back to school.

He went away one weekend, and I didn’t hear from him upon his return. He finally called me some days later to tell me some devastating news. HE GOT MARRIED! I never was more hurt, because this man was really growing on me. I had really made an effort to date a regular shmegular guy. Who has zero vices, and bland as hell… and now he pulled the stunt of the century.

He tried to convince me that he got married in order for her to get her papers only, but I wasn’t about to be a mistress. So, I bounced.

Fast forward to the present day, and I am still open to a stable long-term relationship, but I haven’t found one as of yet. I was making some calls to drum up some business when by chance, I called my ex. I guess he put his name on one of my contact forms. So, after years of not speaking, he now tells me that he tried to make it work with his “fake” wife after I left (most likely a lie), and that they started off well, but are incompatible and are getting divorced. But, somehow, even though they are divorcing, he still managed to get her pregnant. However, she’s leaving the country as she now has what she was looking for – Papers and a child who is a citizen of this country.

So far, I couldn’t care less, I just wanted him as a customer and I was listening to get him to eventually get him to use my services, etc. So, eventually he came over to the office, and this man broke down in the chair, telling me how miserable he’s been since I left him. He went as far as to show me some papers of legal separation, to what I assume will lead to an official divorce.

I guess seeing the tears, made me feel a way. So, I decided to lend a listening ear. If he’s being honest, then I guess he’s been going through a lot. I also put some feelers out and indeed his wife is leaving the country in 2 weeks. So, I thought long and hard about his proposal to date me again, and I decided to date him.

I know it sounds a bit crazy, but why not? I definitely had something for him in the past, and he’s just as even keel as before. The only condition was that he had to realize that I am open to dating other men (I am actually being courted by a couple of good brothers who also know that I am taking my time to review their situations, etc., before I decide to exclusively dating one probably in the next 6 weeks). Therefore, he has to prove himself, because I am looking for a good man and I won’t settle for anything less than that.

Do you think that I’m making a foolish mistake, or is it a good strategy letting him know that he’s in a competition and he better come? I am still on the fence and will take your advice. – Strategic Dater

Dear Ms. Strategic Dater,

Let me get this correct. You were dating a man previously, and things were going good, except for a few minor bumps, but, nonetheless, things were going good. You and he had probably discussed a long-term relationship, kept an open line of communication, and were upfront with one another, for the most part.

He goes away for the weekend, yet, fails to call you when he returns, and only after a few days he calls and tells you that he got married. Now, in his defense, he claims he only married her so that she can get her papers to be in this country. Yet, and I want you to think about this good, long and hard, and really consider this, he maintained this relationship with this woman while he was dating you and you had no clue about her. He had ample opportunity to tell you about this situation, even if it was to marry her solely for her papers. However, he didn’t say anything. He could have been honest with you, and you seem pretty understanding and reasonable, and he could have shared how he hoped that you and he would continue to move forward, and he was doing this only for this woman to get her papers into this country, and that was it. But, he didn’t. He lied to you. He manipulated you. He deceived you.

And, if he was only marrying her in order that she get her papers, then how does she end up pregnant? Therefore, and this leads me to believe that they had more than a “business” relationship of convenience. They were dating, had been intimate, and quite frankly, you were the side piece. You were not his main woman. She was. It takes a lot to commit oneself to go through marriage, and this means that they had and have known one another for a while. He wanted something more, and I’m sure if he could make it work, and she decided to stay to work on their marriage, then you wouldn’t even be a consideration.

He’s lonely. He’s feeling rejected. He’s hurting. And, he needs someone to comfort him and give him a listening ear. And, you have allowed yourself to do just that. Keep in mind that this man is a master manipulator. He manipulated you into believing that you and he were in a monogamous relationship. He manipulated you into thinking he was a regular schmegular, average Joe who worked, and desired to advance his life. He made himself out to be even keel, and he presented himself as well mannered and respectable. But, yet, and still he managed to keep another relationship, get married, and spring it on you hoping that you would be understanding to his situation, and possibly stick around. Meaning, he wanted you to remain the side chick, while he also had his wife. Now, that things have not worked out as he had planned, guess where he is, and guess what you’re doing?

Yes, you’re still the side chick. Yes, you’re still the other woman. No matter how many tears he can cry, how sad the story he can make it out to be, and how wrong the woman did him, and what a big mistake he made, and how he regrets what he did and how much he misses you, and no matter how many separation papers he can show you – the fact still remains, he is married.  BOOM!

Therefore, the very thing you were against doing in the beginning, you have signed on to do now! You have agreed to date a married man. Yes, regardless of his situation or circumstance you have signed on and agreed to date a man who has a wife. Does that make any sense to you?

And, let me ask another important question – Are you willing to date a man who is willing to let his soon-to-be-ex-wife go to another country with his child, and not put up a fight, and not be held accountable for the child he helped to procreate? He is willing to let her leave the country with his child, not take her to court, and not petition his parental rights as a father, and just give up and let her go and be relieved of his duty as a father? Is he trying to avoid child support and his obligation to his child? He simply doesn’t care, and can be that dismissive of his child? And, you’re okay with this? If he can do this with her, just know he can do the same with you.

By the way, if you have other male suitors, and they are aware that you are dating, and considering other options, then, I would hate to think you put this clown back into rotation as a possible option and consideration. Why would you even give him the time of day if you have other men pursuing you? Why be bothered if you have these great guys who can potentially be the man for you? He wouldn’t even be a thought, a mention, or an option. HELL NO! But, since you’re giving him another chance, then, it leads me to think two things – 1.) You are not being honest about having other male suitors and you are fabricating that there are men who are interested in dating you. 2.) The other men must have nothing, and I mean nothing to offer because if you’re allowing this very average regular schmegular guy with all his drama, his lies, and his deception back into your life, then you are attracting some very low bar men.

So, ma’am, you’re wasting your time. He’s not worth your effort, energy, space, time, or life. Remember, he went away for the weekend and got married. He never gave you the consideration before he did his little stunt. And, let’s be very clear, they were dating and intimate while he was with you. Move on. You are not that desperate and hard up for business. Cancel him and his services. You don’t need him or that type of energy in your life. – Terrance Dean

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