Dear Bossip: I'm Struggling & May Have To Move Home With My Dysfunctional Family

Dear Bossip,

I am currently having financial problems and may need to move back in with my mother.

The problem is that my mother does not acknowledge that I am an adult and tries to control me – From who I associate with, how I dress, what to do, etc.

Biologically, I am the youngest of three (25 years old). I cannot afford to work another job because I attend school and work full-time to support myself. My whole immediate family is very dysfunctional and no one except myself are willing to go to counseling but me.

My friends suggest that I move back in with my mother, but I also do not feel safe at my mom’s house. She has taken money from me without my permission. If my younger brother puts his hands on me, she would just stand there and look. My mom just says that I should just get over the past and that people can change. I think that she is just saying that so if I move in I will give her more money. What is a girl to do? – Move or Stay

Dear Ms. Move or Stay,

Two things I don’t understand: The first is if someone has been abusive to you in the past, and you know they are abusive, yet, you keep going back to the same situation knowing what you’re going to get, then why do you keep returning? Are you a glutton for punishment? Are you hoping things will change? Do you think that anything will be different from the last time they abused or used you? You do know that the definition of crazy is constantly doing the same thing over and over again, yet, expecting different results. So, if you keep doing the same thing over and over again, then is your mom and family crazy, or are you the crazy one? (Sips tea)

The second thing I don’t understand is if you are financially strapped, and you feel that you may need to move back in with your mother, the same woman who does not acknowledge you as an adult, wants to control you and all that you do, has taken money from you without your permission, you don’t feel safe in her home, and your family is dysfunctional and are not willing to go to counseling, then how would moving back in with her solve your problem? (Sips tea)

Girl, there isn’t any amount of desperation that would make me even give that a consideration. It wouldn’t even be a thought or option. No ma’am. None. And, therefore, why are you even thinking about it? No, seriously, that is a question for you to answer.

Look, if you are looking to escape the dysfunction and craziness of your family, and you want to grow up and be your own woman, then moving back home is not going to solve that problem. Yes, I understand that you are financially strapped, and things are tough, but tough times don’t always last, tough people do. Therefore, I say start exploring your options. If you can’t afford your apartment, then look into renting a room. I am sure if you did a search you will find plenty of people in your area who are renting out rooms in their homes. Perhaps, downsizing from a one bedroom to a studio apartment will fit your budget. And, you say you are in college full-time, then I am sure they have student housing, and perhaps you can give that a consideration. If it is a commuter school, then ask them if they have an online site or referral service for students looking for roommates, or living arrangements that fits your need and budget. Also, if you live alone, then maybe you consider getting a roommate. I am sure there are some students who are looking for housing, and are in the same financial situation or predicament as yourself. Find someone you know you can rely on, and feel comfortable in sharing an apartment with.

Finally, you may need to adjust your school schedule. I do know that to receive financial aid you must be enrolled full-time, and generally 9 hours, or three classes will give you that requirement. So, instead of taking a full load of 12, 15 or 18 hours, and working, then take the minimum, so you can work and maintain your job and not over extend yourself. And, you can also take a semester off to get yourself together and get on your feet.

The point I am making is that you explore all your options. Explore every single possible option that is more mentally and emotionally healthy, rather than going back into a situation you know that is unhealthy, draining, and stressful. Why add more stress in your life? Why add more drama? Moving back home is not an answer but another problem. You state the problem throughout your letter. So, to alleviate this problem, you consider the best possible ways to avoid it.

But, I am curious, if all your friends are recommending that you move back home with your mother, why haven’t they offered their homes or a room for you to rent? Have you asked them? Have you reached out to your friends and explained the situation to them and why you would prefer not to move back home with your mother? Look, if you don’t ask, then you won’t get what you’re looking for, and I know a closed mouth doesn’t get fed. People may not know what your situation is, or how dire your circumstance unless you share and let people know what’s going on. People will extend themselves and help or offer, but if you don’t say anything, then they will just assume you’re okay.

Lastly, why do you have to wait for your family to get into counseling in order to get help for yourself? You already know what their issues are, or what you suspect them to be. But, how about working on yourself? How about getting into counseling and therapy to work on why you think it’s okay to go back into a situation you know is unhealthy? You are working full-time and going to school, and it is obvious you want to better yourself, but are you also running from something, and what is it you are running from? Work on that, and figure it out. Also, consult a money manager, or work on maintaining a budget for your money. I don’t know what your expenses are, but at 25 years of age I am sure you have a car, cell phone, your own apartment, and other expenses, that extends beyond your finances. Become better and smarter about money management, and again, if moving into a smaller place, a room, or seeking out a roommate will help, then maybe that will better suit your financial budget, rather than moving into a situation that is clearly not going to benefit you. – Terrance Dean

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