I’m 37-years old and have always had long term relationships (8 years; 12 years; 6 years), but I never wanted to get married.
Recently, I rekindled a relationship with a man I dated in high school, “the man of my dreams,” so I thought. He lived out of state, so I would drive 4 hours every other weekend to see him, and on the weekends I didn’t go to him, he would come see me. I stayed at his place, and he stayed at mine during the visits. This is my problem: the “man of my dreams” got drunk one night and broke some things in MY house (he did damage) and although he didn’t strike me, he snatched me by my hair and he spit on me.
There’s a person in this world, that if he was on fire, I wouldn’t spit on his ass to put out the flames! But yes, the most derogatory thing that you can do to a person, he did. Anyway, I decided to not call the police, and how far would I get arguing with a person that is drunk? Jesus must of been on vacation, cause that man took me through hell that night. So, finally he passed out, and I slept in my house, in fear for the night. If I lived by any roosters, they would have been mad at me. I was up at the crack of dawn and the roosters would of been like, “trick, can we finish the song? It goes cock-a-doodle-doooo!” But, at the crack of dawn, I started packing his things. I packed everything. Everrrything….EVERYTHING! The night before, he bought some ranch dressing for our salad for dinner, hell I packed that, too. If I would have seen some lint fall off his shirt, I would of picked it up, and been like n***a, you forgetting something! I didn’t want him to have any excuse to contact me again.
Of course he pleaded with me, to forgive him and that it wouldn’t happen again (the typical things a woman beater would say). I stood firm, and told him, “Anything short of him getting professional help, I’m not interested!” I knew upfront that he enjoyed drinking. I knew that 7 years ago he also had a DUI. What I didn’t know, is that he didn’t learn from his mistake, that he doesn’t know when to quit drinking, and that he becomes verbally and physically abusive when he is drunk. Also, I never imagined that his drinking was so out of control. In hindsight, I only saw him 8 days out of the month, so he had the other 22 days out of the month to get wasted, and due to the distance, I didn’t realize the problem was so severe.
Okay, so back to the story; I sent him home, ignored his text messages, didn’t answer his phone calls, I even went so far as to change my home phone number that I had for almost 9 years. The day I told him to leave, I confirmed with him, that he made it home safely and that was it. Hell, I was too good to him, and I am too good to be getting my ass beat. I wish….I’d hang myself with my own shoelace! But anyway, so, periodically, he would send me a text message, email, or a greeting card saying that he still loves me, that I’m the woman that will change his life, and that he’s sorry (he really didn’t have to tell me that part, because “sorry” was the nicest thing I called him that day), blah blah blah! I contacted him a few times the following month, because a mutual friend of ours passed away. But, if he initiated contact it was ignored.
Now, if you will, please fast forward approximately 10 months, if so, it will bring us current. During our separation, he checked himself into an in-house treatment facility for 90 days, he got a certificate for his sobriety, he listed me as a person to contact (normally all information is confidential, but he signed papers allowing them to discuss everything with me). He still goes to AA meetings twice a week, and I DID call and speak to his counselor for about 2 hours. She told me things about him that I already knew, things I didn’t know, we talked about his progress, if he seemed motivated, his treatment plan, and we even discussed his payment plan (cause his raggedy insurance didn’t cover it).
I understand that this is an addiction that he will have to fight every day forever, whether I’m with him or not. He will always be tempted to drink. They sell alcohol at the 99 cent Store. It can’t get no cheaper than that! My problem or issue is this: I do love him, I’m still in love with him, but I’m more in love with myself, and will be ok without him in my life. I know that you are adamant in your beliefs when it comes to physical abuse and that it should not be tolerated. I agree with you. But, is there any consideration when a person goes to this extent to make amends? Does he deserve another chance? And even if he does deserve another chance, should I give it to him? Can a person have a serious problem, realize they need help, get the help they need, and be a better person? Is a human capable of changing for the better? Or is what he did, too big of a mistake for him to ever redeem himself? I know that I’m not the type of person to tolerate continuous physical abuse. But at the same time I also believe that we all are very capable of change. So, do I stick around and see if he really has changed, or do I congratulate him on his change and wish him and the new beneficiary luck? Ultimately, I know it’s my decision, but I would like your opinion. P.S. please don’t go to the grocery store right now, and the driver of the little yellow school bus said that, she don’t chauffeur “my type,” so I can’t get on it! – Still In Love
Dear Ms. Still In Love,
Girl, I hate you. I love you. I can’t stand you. You get on my nerves. And, I want to hug you. LMBAO! By the way, all that is my way of saying how much I really like you. I love your letter and how you just read yourself. Girl, you’ve definitely been following my column.
So, this man gets drunk in your house, breaks some things, spits on you, snatched your $1,000 lacefront weave and you’re considering getting back with this fool? Girl, you sound really silly right now. You are definitely a special needs child. Please, please, please somebody tell me what type of man snatches a woman by the hair and spits on her? Did he put on his old school high-top Reeboks with the scrunchy socks, put some Vaseline on his face, and do some windmills on you?
Chile, I can’t, I can’t, I can’t. Some of you women really don’t learn, and really do like someone knocking you upset the head and mistreating you. Honey, if this man abuses you now, what makes you think he won’t later? What part of he’s no good for you don’t you understand? Maybe he will knock some sense into you. Ugh! I don’t get it. If you don’t think you’re worthy, valuable, or a gift, then don’t expect someone to treat you as such. So, that bull-ish you let him get away with, I’m sure you’re the only woman who’s let him come back because the other women probably put his dirty sorry trifling ass out and meant it. It’s obvious you don’t know what’s not good for you, because when a man shows you who he is, and what do I always say about someone when they show you who they are, say it with me class, “WHEN PEOPLE SHOW YOU WHO THEY ARE, BELIEVE THEM!”
If you know I don’t tolerate or validate anyone being in an abusive relationship, and you know this, but err, uhm….I’m sorry, but I’m lost here. What part of move on with your life are you missing?
So, he has gone to AA and got a sobriety certificate. Bravo, clap, clap. Do you want to give him a cookie? You want to jump into a relationship with him and be his savior because you feel sorry for him? Girl, you really are a trick. What about his anger management problem? What about his abusiveness? That hasn’t been addressed. Only his drinking, and clearly he hasn’t learned anything because he’s been doing it since you’ve known him, and please remind me of how long that has been? Let me ask you, can you add? I know addition and subtraction is what you learn in the second grade, but when do they start teaching that for special needs children?
And, one thing I do know about alcoholics, or any drug user, is that they are, and will always be what? An alcoholic and drug user! What is that line that they say in their meetings, “Hi, my name is __________ and I’m an alcoholic.” I need for you to go stand in the corner, face the wall, and put your hands in the air.
Look, Ms. Still In Love, this is really a non-considerable question. Ain’t no way in hell you should be considering any type of romantic relationship with this fool. But, like you said, “Ultimately, it’s you decision.” If you want to get back into the relationship, go right on ahead. Knock yourself. Oh, I’m sorry, he’s going to do that for you. Does he deserve a second chance? He sure does. Everyone deserves a second chance. But, you can have your second chance with someone else, and not with me. No ma’am. I’m sorry but 90 days is not a cure for a lifetime behavioral problem, especially with some mental, emotional, and obviously some physical issues. He needs more than you can offer. He needs some therapy, counseling, and some Jesus. And, notice I said Jesus, and not you! You’re not his savior and despite what you may think, you can’t cure his illness. Love him from a distance, and let him work out his life on his own. You can’t work out his life and yours. So, say some Hail Mary’s, send him lots of light, blessings, and love, and keep it moving. You really are something special. Who the hell considers, or even entertains the thought of being with someone who spits on them and snatches their $1,000 lacefront weave? – Terrance Dean
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Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15); Hiding In Hip Hop (Atria Books – June 2008); and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!
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