Dear Bossip: He Called Us Lovers, Then Disappeared & Only Calls When He Wants Something

- By Bossip Staff Categories: Dear Bossip, Love and Relationships, News

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Dear Bossip,

I was seeing this man for about a year. He defined the relationship as “lovers.”

Sometimes, we talked about his feelings for me, and him being afraid of what he felt for me. I was not afraid that I liked him. Well, two months after that year of seeing each other and about nine months of us being intimate, he told me his feelings for me were too intense and he had to stop seeing me. A couple of weeks after that, he told me he made a mistake and wanted to “patch” things up with me.

We started talking again for about three weeks and he stopped talking to me again without explanation. Eventually, he gave me another reason after I repeatedly asked him what happened. Since then, he has sent me a couple of messages saying that he still has feelings for me. Now, he has started contacting me again with the main conversation being about sex. We have discussed still liking each other, how we wished things had turned out differently, and missing each other. We haven’t actually seen each other.

Today, I really want to see him, I am sure you “catch” this. It’s been about six months. I contacted him today and he said he would help me out and contact me later today. I am sitting here thinking this is a major mistake and I should not see him. Do I love him? No.  I like him. I had a good time with him, and I miss him. Still, I am thinking it is probably a mistake to see him. Tell me what you think – Where Is This Going?

Dear Where Is This Going?

I am going to act like I didn’t receive this letter and that you just didn’t ask me this foolery question of what is going on.

There is nothing going on! Nothing. Nada. Zilch. You contacted him because you want some ding-a-ling. And, he said he will get back to you later and help you out. Therefore, you know what this is about. You know what you are asking for and getting yourself into. So, why are you asking me about what you should do? You’re grown. You can do whatever you want and do it with whomever you choose. But, don’t sit up here and try to act like you have no idea why he has been acting the way he does for the past year and a half. You, my dear, were his jump-off. You were nothing more than some ass. Yes, that is what I think. Well, no, that is what I know.

The first line in your letter is, ‘He defined the relationship as “lovers.”’ So, what part of that statement are you not clear about? What are you unsure of?  He told you what you two were, plain and simple. He said you were just lovers. If you allowed your relationship to be defined as “lovers” and you went along with the program, then, why are you expecting a different outcome? Is it because you two starting discussing his feelings and where the sexual relationship was going? You, my dear, got caught up. You were the one who let your feelings get involved and tried to change the dynamics of the sexual relationship. You wanted to know if he felt the same as you did. You started inquiring about his feelings and wanting him to define your relationship, and to take it to the next level. So, when he noticed your frequent inquires and need for a relationship status update, he dipped, and stopped communicating with you. Ma’am, he didn’t give you the respect of having a conversation about it, and what was going on. He just left you in the clutch, and you were fine with that. SMDH! But, when he wanted to come thru and get his fix again, he sent you messages, and you let him come back. Still not clear, sweetie?

And, all this, ‘his feelings were too intense for me and he had to stop seeing me.’ Really, Ms. Thing? Really! His feelings were so intense that he had to end the situation-ship, yet, a few weeks later he hit you up to “patch” things up and then after he got what he wanted he went ghost, again? Still not clear, sweetie?

I see a recurring and repeating pattern in your situation-ship. Each time you two get together and discuss the status of your relationship, it’s often while you’re engaged in sex. Then after he gets what he wants, he disappears. Hmmm, let me think. Still not clear, sweetie? I am.

Every time he reaches out to you, guess what, it’s about SEX. Don’t be naïve. Don’t play coy. And, don’t play with mine, or your own intelligence. You are smart. You’re intelligent. How do I know this, because the last paragraph of your letter you wrote, ‘Today I really want to see him, I am sure you “catch” this. It’s been about six months.’

Look, call it what it is, and accept the fact that you enjoy the sex. You enjoy how he lays it on you. It’s okay, sweetie. It’s okay to be a willing participant in a sexual relationship, and you know what it is. Don’t get caught up and don’t allow yourself to get into your feelings about him or if he feels the same as you. He doesn’t. And, to be honest, Ms. Honey, you don’t miss him, you miss the sex. You just don’t want to admit to your friends and those around you that he is not your boyfriend, but a booty call. Hell, you may be in denial yourself about the terms, but not about the fact. So, accept what it is. Call it what it is. And, girl, enjoy it for what it is. Keep it safe, and wrapped up! – Terrance Dean

***(Attention all media/news outlets, if you use this story and letter, or any parts of this content for your outlets you must give credit to this site, the columnist, and his advice)**

Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below! Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Dean:  loveandrelationships@bossip.com  Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter:  @terrancedean and “LIKE” Terrance Dean on Facebook, click HERE!

author terrance dean

Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15); Hiding In Hip Hop (Atria   Books – June 2008); and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!

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