I am in my first lesbian relationship and I’m starting to think it’s taken a very toxic turn.
I met her at work (we’re both officers) and we were both smitten over one another. We fell hard and fast for one another over the past 3 months. She is a stud with much experience while I was in the closet and had only openly dated men prior to her (I had only slept with women before, but never had a relationship with them).
When we began talking to one another she swept me off of my feet and I fell so hard for her that I came out to my entire family. Everyone is totally accepting of her and is happy that I am out. When I met her, I was in love with the fact that she is in school with 2 jobs and still found time to spend with me. She was committed to showing me how much she cared about me. She was also into me physically and we connected on that level as well. I did notice that she was a bit temperamental, but I attributed it to her being extremely sleep deprived from working so much and being that it was that “new love,” I was jaded.
Our honeymoon phase quickly faded and my bright smile was covered in tears on many days because of my girl’s bipolar like personality. She’s mean to me, snappy, possessive, and honestly, I’m a little scared of her sometimes. I don’t believe she’ll ever hit me, but she screams a lot at me. She has road rage and yells in my ear on the phone cursing out other drivers and pedestrians. Keep in mind, she works graveyard, so she gets off at 6am, and she will call me when she gets off, waking me up and will yell into the phone about how horrible work was and she goes into road rage mode. I’ve never awaken to a “hello babe, how are you, good morning,” or any calm morning greeting. I’m always jolted from my sleep with her yelling at the top of her lungs. I’m a very soft spoken person and this if very unusual for me.
I spend the night at her place many nights and if she misses her alarm for work she’ll wake me up and yell at me for allowing her to over sleep by a few minutes. I think she’s sleep deprived and disoriented half of the time, because she’s gotten up from a deep sleep and cursed me out for rubbing her back or giving her a kiss in her sleep. At one point, I told her to take some days off of work to rest, in which she did. The rest really didn’t help. I realized she just has a bad attitude and she’s mean to those that she’s comfortable with. She told me that women in the past have told her that she’s mean, but that I’m the only one that has talked about her this bad.
The thing is, Terrance, to other people that know her, they’d probably never believe me if I told them that she’s demanding and mean. She’s very attractive and well liked by many. She puts on a good front to others and she cares about how we’re both portrayed in public. It’s like night and day. We only argue behind closed doors. In public she’s all smiles and if I don’t pretend to do the same she will lash out at me in private.
I’ve never been with a stud before and I assumed it would be like being with a man with a vagina. I was wrong! Once again, I’m wearing the pants in my relationship. She’s the biggest baby ever; yet dresses like a boy! She nags and complains about every little thing. She relies on me for many things. I cook for her or buy take-out, make her doctor’s appointments, help her with her homework, help her with work situations (since I’ve been there longer), and wake her up for work every day. I’m at her service 24-7 and she has called me a punk ass, slow/dingy/a blonde/ retarded, a cheater, and so on.
I’ve been with partners who were not the greatest, but never this blatantly disrespectful to me. When I got past my lust, I realized that the only time someone accuses you of cheating or any wrong doing is if they’re doing it themselves. She knows where I am 24/7, because if I don’t answer the phone fast enough, let alone don’t answer it at all, she has a fit. My life is consumed by her and she knows it. My family knows her, but I’ve never met any of her family or friends. I concluded she must be up to something to accuse me of being a cheater when it’s obvious I’m not, plus she occasionally talks about her past women and how many women want her.
Recently, she began talking and texting a co-worker, but claimed she is not attracted to the co-worker. She would tell me how the co-worker would come on to her and how she was jealous of me. I told her she shouldn’t talk to someone that likes her as more than a friend because the minute she and I have an argument the next chick would come in for the steal. I really became suspicious when on the only mutual days my girl and I have off and we usually spend time at her place together, she left me at her apartment to get her nose pierced, but took the co-worker, and not me. I was so pissed. Her excuse was the girl wanted something pierced too (she ended up not getting anything pierced).
We already have to schedule our time together with our hectic work schedules and she took her co-worker with her? Red flag! I remained calm so I could collect my evidence because I knew something wasn’t right.
Yesterday, my girl left the apartment for a while, and though we were having a picture perfect day, for the past few days I couldn’t get over what she did to me and something in my gut told me she was hiding something from me. She is always so snappy with me, yet I am never allowed to be upset or disappointed with her. There’s something wrong with that picture. I’ve never done this before, but she left her phone at the apartment while she went to the store, so I decided to go through it. I first went through her texts between her and the co-worker. I could tell they had been calling one another throughout the day. They were calling each other sweetie and the co-worker was clearly flirting with my girl. To be clear, this co-worker is from my girl’s part-time job, not our job we work at together.
One thing that hurt me was that my fear came true, the last argument my girl and I had about her taking the co-worker with her to get her piercing, she told the co-worker that I walked out on her because of that and she said, “See what you got these women out here thinking,” and she basically told the girl I was jealous of her. The girl called me childish and petty and laughed at the fact that she thought she broke me and my girl up. I decided to see who else she was texting. I recognized her ex’s name. I almost set my girl’s house on fire when I saw those texts. She had been sending the ex, that she tells me she hates oh so much, pictures of herself. Not just any pictures, pictures that I took of my girl in front of my house! To put more icing on the cake, there was a text from my girl where her and the ex were planning to meet at a theme park for gay night, which my girl ended up not going to because her hair appointment took longer than anticipated.
That was another thing she did in the past that I wondered, why isn’t she taking me? Why would she go to a theme park alone? Her explanation at the time was that many of her past girlfriends may be there and she didn’t want them starting problems with me.
Babyyyyyyyyy, when I tell you I was mad, I couldn’t decide if I wanted to attack her on sight or to handle it like a lady. I decided to take the high road and when she came home I left her texts open for her to see. She was pissed that I went through her phone and told me how low down I was and how I was “that kind of female” and she couldn’t trust me. She explained that because she wasn’t sleeping with either woman, and because we were together all the time, and I’m the one with the key to her house that what she was doing wasn’t cheating and that I was crazy.
Now, she says she doesn’t trust me. I think she’s guilt tripping me. Terrence, sorry for the long story, but I really have no one to talk to about this. I am so ashamed to tell anyone about her true behavior. I introduced her to everyone so fast and everyone loves her and thinks she’s this amazing woman, they may not even believe me. Please help. I tried to leave her the other night and I gave her the house key back, but she began blowing my phone up. I ignored her, but the only reason I picked up was she said she was going to leave work and show up at my house so I picked up the phone and convinced her not to come. It’s now 2 days later and we’re back talking, but in the back of my mind I’m hurt and I don’t trust her. She showed no remorse for texting other women and I can’t get over the fact that she’s telling our business to other women that don’t know me. I never do that. *Sigh.* Please help Terrance. I’m tired of being the nurturer and always bending over backwards for unappreciative partners. – Ms. Tired Of Being Used and Abused
Dear Ms. Tired Of Being Used and Abused,
Don’t go back. Don’t entertain this relationship any longer. It’s toxic. It’s unhealthy. She is not faithful, or trustworthy. And, you’re absolutely right that she is guilt tripping you because you went through her phone. She was the one who was having inappropriate conversations, meetings, and discussions with her co-worker and her ex, but she turned the tables on you. She made you out to be the bad woman, or as she stated, “that kind of female.” What does that even mean? She flipped it on you even though she was the one caught doing dirt. Sorry. But, she is low down and dirty, and there is no reason to stay in the relationship, or even entertain getting back with her.
She is abusing you emotionally and mentally. Yes, you are in an abusive relationship. She is controlling, manipulative, and deceptive. She verbally abuses you by calling you out of your name, and berating you. She is emotionally abusive by maintaining relationships with other women, and actually going out with another woman and leaving you at home. Ma’am, regardless if she slept with them or not, she went out with another woman and left you at home. That is cheating. She has been carrying on with these women, having detailed conversations about your relationship, sending pictures to her ex, and making plans to meet up. That is cheating.
Also, you claim she hasn’t put her hands on you, and it may not be physical now, but it could happen. Never doubt an abuser. And, the fact that all her exes left her, well, that is a tell-tale sign. They left her because of all the things you’ve pointed out in your letter. Why do you, or, why did you stay is beyond me. F**k the appearances, and what your family and friends will think. So what they think she is this amazing woman in public, and she appears to be outgoing, wonderful, kind, and sweet. You know the real woman behind closed doors, and it’s best to save yourself rather than put on airs and fronts for the sake of wanting to appear like a happy couple while you are unhappy and miserable inside.
And, why oh why would you think her being a stud and dressing like a man would be the same as dating a man? She is not a man. You are in a lesbian relationship. You are not dealing with a man. You are dating a woman. You made the mistake in thinking because she dressed like a man that she would act like a man, and treat you like the previous men you’ve dated.
But, what I don’t understand is why are you dating someone you work with? Why do you all insist on dating people from your place of work? These relationships never end well. They never bode well for neither party. Don’t –ish where you sleep. Stop these office romances, and dating co-workers. I don’t care how much they flirt, how much you have in common, and that you find one another attractive. So freaking what! Dating in the office is a no-no. It is a disaster waiting to happen. And, here you are finding yourself being caught up in an office romance that is ending, and now everyone is going to be in your business because she is going to tell them one thing, or your co-workers will draw their own conclusions, and you will find yourself trying to counter what she said, defending what happened, and recanting the entire relationship. Sigh!
And, why would you introduce this woman to your family and you never met anyone from her family? HUH? Chile, you all are so quick to be in relationships, and in love, that you start introducing folks to your family and friends within the first month. Yet, your partner has never introduced you to their family and friends, and you wonder why they keep you in the dark. Sweetie, you know nothing about your girlfriend. You perceived too much. You made a lot of presumptions about her and your relationship. You tried to diagnose her, and treat her, but that backfired. I guess you should know to stay in your lane.
Next, you are cooking for her, cleaning after her, waking her up for work, making appointments, and doing all these things for a grown ass woman. Honey, you are not her mother or caretaker. She is a grown ass adult. She can take care of herself. She can manage to do all these things for herself. She was doing it before you, and she will do it after you. I don’t know why you stepped into that role. She didn’t appreciate you, or any of your efforts. If she is calling you a blonde, and retarded, and abusing you for waking her up, and looking after her well-being, then, you should have stopped doing all those things and told her to do it herself.
Look, this relationship is messy, unhealthy, and a disaster. She is unfaithful, dishonest, and manipulative. She is mentally and emotionally abusive. It’s only a matter of time before it turns physical. I don’t understand why you would allow someone to call you out of your name, and degrade you. After the first time it happened you should have walked out the door and left for good. And, now you’ve found evidence of her emotionally cheating, then, it’s definitely time to get out and stay away from her. Save yourself. Invest in yourself. Love yourself. All those things you were pouring into her and the relationship, then, you need to pour them into yourself. – Terrance Dean
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Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15); Hiding In Hip Hop (Atria Books – June 2008); and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!
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