Dear Bossip: We’ve Been Dating A Few Months, But He’s Planning His Future Out Of State

- By Bossip Staff

black-woman-worrying

Dear Bossip,

I am 31-year old female and have been dating a guy who is the same age, for about two months.

Although he isn’t my type he has grown on me. He has all of the check list things: a vehicle, own place, secure career in IT, no children and cool person. I am the same: independent, own place, I have a daughter that is 11-years old, and I have a secure career in the federal government.

We hang out a lot and have frequent sleep over’s at each other’s houses (But, we have not had intercourse). Here in lies the dilemma. He will be graduating undergrad in the Spring, and he has begun applying for graduate school. He has applied in various parts of the country Wisconsin, Chicago to name two. The problem is we live in the suburbs of Washington, D.C. the hub of the Federal Government, and I have 13 years of federal service. Other places in the country do not pay federal employees as well as D.C.

Do I continue to date him and just see what happens (and we’ll probably eventually do the do), or do I break it off now as to not get more attached? I mean, Spring is months away and at that point we will have been dating several months. Or, am I over thinking the situation?

Please give me your straight talk no chaser advice. – Stay And Play Or Cut And Run

Dear Ms. Stay And Play Or Cut And Run,

So, a man you’ve been seeing for two months, and you’re already planning the wedding? (Although you didn’t say it, I’m sure you’re thinking it, that’s why I said it.) Yes, you are over thinking the situation.

Slow down and slow your roll! Yes, Ms. Honey, pump the brakes and take your time. You are still getting to know one another and you’re already thinking about him leaving and if you’re going to have to relocate to be with him. Uhm, did he ask you to relocate? Have you two had any conversations around this, or are you jumping the gun? And, has he applied to any graduate schools in the DC/MD/VA area?

One thing I can say you are doing right is that you are dating and getting to know him before you jump in the bed. You are right on course in getting to know him, and discovering all the qualities you like about him, as well as if you really want to have intercourse with him. But, I can tell that you and he are not on the same page. You are planning ahead, and looking for a future with this man, and he is only living in the present moment with you, but, he’s looking ahead to his own future. And, nowhere in your letter did you mention if he was planning his life around you, or if you were part of his future. You’ve made him a part of your life and what you potentially see as a future with him, but he isn’t thinking that far. Most men are not thinking six months, a year, or five years into the future when they are dating. If things are going good the way they are, then he will be perfectly content on keeping things normal and just the way they are. Some men don’t like change. No ma’am. If it’s going good, with no interruptions, drama, or stress, then they’ll never bring up the status or what you mean to him for years. But, what does make some men nervous is when a woman starts asking questions like, “Where is this going?” And, “What do I mean to you?” Or, “How do we define what we are doing?” Most men think, if I’m hanging out with you, calling you, spending lots of time with you, and buying you gifts, then what must I say to make you know that you’re the one? Yeah, some men think that way. Their actions speak louder than words.

Look, Ms. Stay And Play Or Cut And Run, stop planning the wedding. You have a fairly new relationship and you’re acting as if you’ve been together for years. It’s time to let the stress go, and focus on today and enjoy him while he is there with you. When he decides where he is going to attend graduate school, then you two can have the conversation of what you are going to do from that point. And, on the real, Ms. Thing, don’t leave your job of 13 years only to start over in another state and you don’t have an action plan. Yes, that means a secured job in another state, a place to live, transferring schools for your daughter, and the readjustment period. Oh, and trust and believe, I know many of folks who have moved for a partner only to break up and move back. I’m not saying this will be you, but the stress of moving to another state and readjusting your life does take its toll on some relationships. And, if you two are really serious, then perhaps you can offer to help him look for some schools in the DC/MD/VA that are closer, and where you can visit, or he can visit you on the weekends and breaks. You seem like a smart woman, but do take it slow. If it’s meant to be, then it will be. If not, Ms. Honey, he’s not the only and last man you will find who has his –ish together. – Terrance Dean

Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below! Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Dean:  loveandrelationships@bossip.com  Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter:  @terrancedean and “LIKE” Terrance Dean on Facebook, click HERE!

author terrance dean

Make sure to order my books Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15); Hiding In Hip Hop (Atria   Books – June 2008); and Straight From Your Gay Best Friend – The Straight Up Truth About Relationships, Love, And Having A Fabulous Life (Agate/Bolden Books – November 2010; $15). They are available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, click HERE!

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