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She Said: Abuse, How Much is Too Much?
Posted by Bossip Staff
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Good day Bossip readers! In today’s relationship post, we have to put all jokes aside to talk about a serious, heavy-hitting issue that affects so many young women in relationships today: abuse. It’s not the easiest topic to discuss, but it’s not being talked about enough. The brutal reality is that victims of abuse are around us all the time. Though she may not wear the scars of physical manhandling, she may be suffering abuse that cuts just as deep as a blow to the jaw. Abuse comes in many forms, and unless outwardly obvious, it can be the culprit of unhealthy relationships. For some women, all it takes is a man to look like he has the potential to strike and it’s splitsville, forever. For others, it may not be as easy and, unfortunately, may lead to physical violence. But according to the women we spoke with, in order for one to stay in such a dangerous situation, more often than not, she’s been mentally beaten by verbal abuse so badly, she’s convinced she has nowhere to go. So, are there signs or red flags before arguments escalate to an unfair fight between a man and woman? How much is too much? When is it time to leave?
Bossip asked a few women: Is verbal abuse a likely precursor to violence or just as harmful? Share your thoughts.
Oh, absolutely. I was with a man who broke me down from the inside out. He would say some of the most hurtful things to me. And when I spoke up for myself, he would threaten to “slap the shit” out of me. But it didn’t start out that way. He was sweet and charming and said the sweetest things, but after I had two of his kids, he became a monster. He would say “your body is so wrecked, nobody will want you. Hell, I don’t even want you.” That was some of the nicer things he’d say. I was broken for too long, for real. Sometimes I felt like he might as well have hit me, just to get it over with, you know? I got the hell on out after 4 years and haven’t looked back. No way were my kids going to witness that mess, or be a part of it. – Dawn, 35, Ad Sales
It depends. It’s not as definitive as physical, some would say. But I gotta say some women are bold enough to swing on a nig*a and don’t expect to get fought like the man she just swung on. My sister had this really sweet and easy going guy who didn’t have it in him to hit her. She would embarrass him in front of the family and tell him to shut up when he was talking. She was just mean and cruel to him. In this case, she verbally abused him and she resorted to violence when he put his foot down, and he molly-wopped her ass. When she called crying the blues that he smacked her down, we all knew that she provoked it, and was using the waterworks to play the victim. No man should, under no circumstance, hit a woman. But sometimes women provoke it. -Crystal, 27, Flight Attendant
You know, I have to say that mental and verbal abuse is worse than physical. I know it sounds crazy, but wounds heal and the mental anguish stays with you for a long time. I was with someone who was verbally abusive and, thinking back, the only reason I stayed with him was because I really didn’t think I was going to be okay without him. And if the verbal abuse doesn’t lead to physical abuse from a man, it can definitely make a woman snap into a raging fit and that’s the ugliest of battles because she doesn’t want control, she wants to kill him. - Ashley, 24, Receptionist
It always starts out with verbal. I’ve had a long history of abuse in the home growing up and later on in my own relationships. I would get beaten so bad. It was like walking on egg shells not knowing when he was going to snap. It could’ve been anything, he didn’t like my hair or my dress because he thought I was trying to seduce my male co-workers or leave him. He would go straight for my face too. I was always trying to cover up my bruises and black eyes with make-up. It literally got to a point where I thought he was going to kill me. Each time, the beatings got worse and I just couldn’t take another fist to the eye or foot in the ribs. I left in the middle of the night with nothing, and went to a battered women’s shelter. It was either that or die. Anonymous, 34, Survivor
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Mandah! rise n shine chile!
8/4/09, 10:19:am
uymmm ANY abuse is too much bossip , duh
KR
8/4/09, 10:20:am
LOCK THE CHRIS BROWNS UP 2ND
POPPA SMURF
8/4/09, 10:20:am
Hitting a woman is never acceptable, on the other hand a woman hitting a man is unacceptable as well! Keep ya damn hands to ya self people would be the point
It's gonna be o.k.
8/4/09, 10:20:am
Done wrong once – Shame on them
Done wrong twice – Shame on you
It's gonna be o.k.
8/4/09, 10:22:am
Can’t hit a woman but you can sure shake the s*** out of ‘em – Chris Rock
TimelessBeauty
8/4/09, 10:23:am
any is too much, verbal, physical, emotional. Once it starts its not going to stop. Get out!!!
hold ya head down there you go
8/4/09, 10:24:am
look if a man starts out telling you how good you look how much in love with you he is in the first two weeks the ***** is crazy .
energyunbound
8/4/09, 10:26:am
concur
Divine
8/4/09, 10:26:am
What a dumb question. Abuse, how much is too much?
ANY ABUSE IS TOO MUCH!!!!
ABUSE IS THE THE VIOLENCE. No Precursor necessary.
That mindset is why women stay in those situations.
You know what it is...
8/4/09, 10:27:am
What’s up with that motorcycle cop mustache….I’m just saying…lol!
pm
8/4/09, 10:27:am
Since most black woman are single..I don’t think the problem is as big in our community.
Lady J
8/4/09, 10:28:am
From this pic??? That’s too much!! Any abuse is bad…emotional & verbal abuse is worst that physical abuse… physical wounds heal, but the other forms of abuse shape, mold and impact you as a humman being thus continuing the cycle of abuse…
Lil Miss
8/4/09, 10:28:am
no man or woman should put up with any kind of abuse..it will affect your everyday life even if you dont realize it. you’ll think its okay or that’ll get better but before you know it your depressed and think that the abuser is right…and then you’ll stay and deal cause you’ll think you dont deserve better BUT YOU DO
Lady J
8/4/09, 10:29:am
*worse*
Lil Miss
8/4/09, 10:32:am
i’ve never encountered physical abuse but the verbal abuse i onced dealt with still affects me today
Loch Ness Monster
8/4/09, 10:38:am
I’m thankful that I have had strong, independent women in my family who have always told me to never let a man put his hands on me. I think it’s important that mother’s teach their daughters this same rule and reiterate it often. My mother told my dad (before they got married) that if he ever put his hands on her that it would be his last day on earth. She even told him that she didn’t care if she’d have to go to jail for killing him. Dude never touched her.
And I agree with the paragraph the one chick wrote about how the female would hit the guy and finally the guy beat her up. I will never understand females who abuse a guy but are shocked when that guy finally grows a pair and knocks their block off.
DenverChick
8/4/09, 10:43:am
Been there done that! Best advice is to leave and never turn back, not for any sorrys not for any closure screw that it aint worth it! and no I dont have an inch of sympathy for the women who stay, self esteem is just that the esteem of your motha fu**in self! Get it together!!! they (some men) do it because they can, stop giving them that power and bounce
tal
8/4/09, 10:51:am
Abuse in any form is wrong! Speaking from personal experience, the physical scars are horrible….having to lie to explain away bruises and why you can’t be touched in certain places because they’re still sore from being hit. But the emotional scars run even deeper and take even longer to heal. A real man will use his hands only to protect, not hurt, the women he loves.
DaHonestTruth ~ Turn My Swag On
8/4/09, 11:02:am
“Since most black woman are single..I don’t think the problem is as big in our community.”
leave it to a coon to start cooning in such a serious thread.
if its not such a big problem for us then why are so many black men in jail and legal trouble for it? in my opinion black men have this issues greater than any other race of man in this country. the black man will beat a woman like she is a man regardless of her race and will think its cool just as all you volatile woman beaters did when Chris Brown was in trouble for it. atleast another race of man will know that he is wrong and that he likely has a problem. not the black man. he thinks its his right to beat on a woman just as much as he thinks its his right to disrespect her and dog her out. black men seriously need to be dealt with about their woman beating tendencies.
abuse is never acceptable. the woman needs to move on with her life, no matter how much its easier said than done, and have the man put in jail.
*****CATFUN
8/4/09, 11:07:am
UGH…WHAT TYPE OF QUESTION IS THIS?
ANY “AMOUNT” OF ABUSE IS TOO MUCH!
MulattoMom
8/4/09, 11:08:am
I agree ^^^^
pm
8/4/09, 11:08:am
@DaHonestTruth..lol…took the bait lol
DaHonestTruth ~ Turn My Swag On
8/4/09, 11:12:am
“@DaHonestTruth..lol…took the bait lol”
there is no taking the bait. its called commenting on the ignorance. dont play that game with me. i know that game – the one that allows you to talk all the trahs you want to about a sista but she doesn’t respond or it looks like she fell for it. cut the bull. i it were bait there wouldn’t be so many comments by you clearly reflecting your dislike for the black woman. this is the way you truly feel and i chose to comment on it the way i truly feel.
journey
8/4/09, 11:13:am
All i can say is it’s real abuse in any kind of way is wrong and it definitely exist.
pm
8/4/09, 11:16:am
@DaHonestTruth..Damn sista soulja..I was just playin.
JayFan
8/4/09, 11:17:am
@PM you sound naive azz hell to believe that statement you wrote.
Thanks DaHonestTruth for keeping it real!
One never thinks it will happen to them until it does and realizes it’s easier said than done. (Speaking from experience) And yeah I’m single.
DaHonestTruth ~ Turn My Swag On
8/4/09, 11:18:am
“@DaHonestTruth..Damn sista soulja..I was just playin.”
yeah right.
then stop playin.
pm
8/4/09, 11:19:am
see this is why the black man don’t discuss serious topics, yall like to gang up and ambush a *****.
Rrrrroe Ski Love-
8/4/09, 11:21:am
My policy is that if I feel that I need to hit you to get my point accross or vice versa. It is now time to leave. A relationship cannot grow to reach fulfillment when there is abuse of any sort. The only touching of hands on people is when you are embr*****ing each other in a kind and loving way. Hugging someone is alot better than hitting someone. (for both parties)
pm
8/4/09, 11:23:am
Every now and then a sista need to be hit upside the head to get her mind right…lol…i’m joking
pm
8/4/09, 11:26:am
Would Tina be the woman she is today if Ike had not beat that *****?
pm
8/4/09, 11:27:am
I’m sure Obama beats Michelle to keep her in line too
ManUp
8/4/09, 11:33:am
Ok, ya’ll women have to be careful, when you guys go talking big like “that if you ever put his hands on me it’s gonna be your last day on earth”. That sounds all good and stuff but let’s see, if you tell a crazy dude that, then when he loses it enough to put his hands on you, well he’s gonna end your life and make sure you won’t get a chance to retaliate.
DaHonestTruth ~ Turn My Swag On
8/4/09, 11:36:am
“Would Tina be the woman she is today if Ike had not beat that *****?”
would you be the man – or lack thereof – that you are today if your mama had beat YOUR “*****”?
pm
8/4/09, 11:37:am
see these women need the ***** beatin their absentee fathers never gave them
pm
8/4/09, 11:39:am
@DaHonestTruth…ok that was the last one..lol i’m sorry
ManUp
8/4/09, 11:39:am
Men be careful also, when it come to domestic violence woman have the upper hand and can ruin your life with true or even false allegations. I was locked up just because I had an argument with my wife and she said that I verbal harr*****ed her and she felt threatened. So with no questioned asked I was locked up, and kicked out the house, and taken away from my kid, just like that. It’s true so be careful. Don’t believe me check out the Domestic violence laws…
RiRi
8/4/09, 11:42:am
The question in the title of the post, “Abuse, How Much is Too Much?” has a real point; relationships become abusive because people get so mired in their feelings about being hurt by another person (“He’s not always like this . . . I made him mad.” “I’ve put too much into this relationship to leave now.” “I’m damaged goods, and *****ody else will want me.” “If we make a change–move to another state, have a baby, etc.–that will bring us closer as a couple, and the fights will stop.”) that they can’t do the things necessary to get out of the relationship, which only draws out the abuse. Personally, I had to get to a place in my seven-year relationship where I felt so much pain that I couldn’t make anymore excuses for him or justify his behavior anymore–it has been really, really hard to be without this person that I’ve loved, but I’ve made the decision to leave because we have these patterns in our relationship that are harmful, and, in spite of my best efforts, things haven’t gotten better.
pm
8/4/09, 11:48:am
The top 5 reason a wife should get her ***** beat
1. skooting her ***** across the carpet to wipe after she uses the bathroom
2. not takin out the trash or cutting the lawn
3. not having a hot meal ready
4. talking back
5. holding out on sex
lt
8/4/09, 11:53:am
I don’t believe when some women say there were no signs. There are always signs that a man or woman may be abusive. I was in verbal and physical abusive relationship and there were signs that he was abusive but I ignored them and the abuse just got worse.
DaHonestTruth ~ Turn My Swag On
8/4/09, 11:53:am
The top 5 reason PM needs to grow up:
1. immaturity is not cute on a grown man
2. the ability to get your butt kicked if you ***** off the wrong sista
3. studies say your penile grown can depend on maturity
4. noone likes a LOSER
5. you will end up gay if no woman wants you due to your bitterness
cruzan trini
8/4/09, 11:54:am
@ pm
I’D LUV TO SLAP THE ***** OUTTA YOU, THEN DO NUMBER 1 TO UR CARPET.
THEN U WILL CUT MY GR*****, TAKE OUT MY TRASH, AND FIX ME A HOT MEAL. I’LL MAKE U MY PERSONAL *****.
pm
8/4/09, 11:55:am
@DaHonestTruth…now number 3 was hitting below the belt
DaHonestTruth ~ Turn My Swag On
8/4/09, 11:58:am
“@DaHonestTruth…now number 3 was hitting below the belt”
GOOD! now grow up!
pm
8/4/09, 11:58:am
@cruzan trini..lol…i’m DaHonestTruth personal *****..already
RiRi
8/4/09, 12:01:pm
Why do so many black people still see possessiveness and corporal punishment as relationship cure-alls?
Generations of white people have owned black people. And beaten them. Is this really the type of ***** we want to emulate?
We are not animals. We think and feel, and unless we are mentally ill or in the grips of substance abuse, we should be able to express our thoughts and feelings to loved ones (especially children), without resorting to physical or psychological violence.
All relationships face challenges, and some elements of adversity are necessary for living a meaningful life, but beating people–and joking about it, in response to a serious post–is simply ignorant and unnecessary.
nyob
8/4/09, 12:06:pm
Any type of abuse (mental, physical verbal) at any time is too much. Neither sex should be abusing. Ironically, the abuser has problems with their own self-worth just like the abused.
1 Hitta Quitta
8/4/09, 12:20:pm
PM yo azz play 2 damn much real talk!!!
Invictus
8/4/09, 12:41:pm
Once again the evil black man is abusive. Yawn. How can the black man abuse black women when 70% of sistas are single? Yall dont even have a man to begin with let alone an abuser. And most black women are twice as big as her man if she has one. They aint takin no ***** beatings from brothas believe me.
angelic1302
8/4/09, 12:55:pm
any abuse whether it’s physical or mental or psycological or even financial is a big NO NO! Some people have that mind set that they know what’s going on but always have that little voice in their head that says, they’ll do better. Thing is, once they do it, they’ll do it again and it’s just up to you to know when you had enough.
fed up
8/4/09, 13:00:pm
@Invictus-This is not an attack on the black man. It’s raising awareness about a serious issue that DOES effect black women. I know, I’ve been through it. Until you’ve had black eyes, a busted nose, and have had to use crutches to get around: DON’T SPEAK ON IT! Ask yourself why 70% of black women are single (if that stat is correct) instead of making it into a joke.
nik
8/4/09, 13:04:pm
@dahonesttruth…i totally agree…DV is a serious issue in the black community…bc most young men wanna be “thugs” so they cant let a woman “disrespect” them in any way. they really think they should be able to “smack a *****” if she gets outta line. smh..im a survivor as well… CONGRATS!
WordtotheWise
8/4/09, 13:40:pm
Damn it, Bossip. Stop moderating my comments.
SCOOPY
8/4/09, 13:50:pm
Domestic Violence is very serious. It not only affects the person being hit, but the young people who observe all this insanity. It makes you wonder where the morals and values our young people have come from when it comes to the opposite. It is a direct relation to the relationships they see in their households as a child.
MySoulIsFull
8/4/09, 13:58:pm
No one should be subject to abuse…ever!
DaHonestTruth ~ Turn My Swag On
8/4/09, 14:08:pm
“Once again the evil black man is abusive. Yawn. How can the black man abuse black women when 70% of sistas are single? Yall dont even have a man to begin with let alone an abuser. And most black women are twice as big as her man if she has one. They aint takin no ***** beatings from brothas believe me.”
some of you ignorant hatin so called brothas really need to get an education before you start posting your black women hate rants on these blogs. not married does not mean single you idiot! see this here is the reason the black man isn’t good for much more than his *****, rapping or throwing a ball around.
TIABABY09
8/4/09, 14:14:pm
It was ALWAYS easy for me to jump in another ***** face and tell her ***** about how dumb she was for not leaving her abusive boyfriend,but now,it’s happened to me AND IM PREGNANT…i went back the first time,second time,but the third time,my 3 year old son was caught in the middle of it,so i definitely HAD TO CALL THE POLICE and they arrested his *****..not only was he PHYSICALLY abusive,but he was a chater also.Now, i have a protection order,and we have a court date coming up.If i show at court he will get 5 years in prison,if i don’t show he will jus do a month or two and then be home..Even though i DON’T plan on getting back with him,im so confused wether i should go to court or not.Our son will be here on x-mas eve,and he also has another daughter on the way next week…so confused…WORST SITUATION EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1
Mandi
8/4/09, 14:27:pm
I found a video about Rihanna on this
guerrillalegal
8/4/09, 14:31:pm
What’s up wit all these ***** ***** *****s on here… oh right, the only men who post on gossip blogs in the all day are mostly *****-***** downlow homo *****s.
If the ***** aint acting right do like nino brown and cancel her *****. she aint even worth hitting. Most of you homo *****s hit women cause you can’t fight real men to get out your frustrations.
Then again......
8/4/09, 15:29:pm
Domestic Violence is a problem in all of society. But if you look carefully they are trying to make it seem like a black problem. As said earlier, the same way they made drugs, shoplifting and stealing on all levels, and all sorts of crimes seem like black problems, they will now try to make black men the face of DV too. This is how the world sees you, like uncontrolled vagabonds. But most will only notice this is what happened when it is their son or husband who is taken off to jail. If you tell people this is what they are known for long enough, it will become true. You are profiled all day long, while driving, shopping, just walking down the street. How many times does this have to happen before people catch on? Do not accept ownership of negative stereotypes. *****ody else on the planet does.
Rx
8/4/09, 16:48:pm
Hey man, it is what is with these women. They wanna dish out and insults and hit you? Cool! Make her brain go vegan. Turn her brain off. I love it man, I love when a girl think she can say anything she want to me. I make her brain go veggie and then I make her whole life to hot to handle. All of a sudden ***** starts *****ing up around her. We all know why, I got the magic eye baby I’ll turn that brain off I’ll turn that life right off until they zombied up.
MyLittlePony
8/4/09, 17:04:pm
I think it is important to realize that which are abused predominately more than men, there are women who abuse men too. I think that people need to keep their hands to themselves, and that NO ONE, male or female, should put up with another person abusing them. Abuse of any kind is unacceptable.
Loch Ness Monster
8/4/09, 17:06:pm
ManUp
Ok, ya’ll women have to be careful, when you guys go talking big like “that if you ever put his hands on me it’s gonna be your last day on earth”. That sounds all good and stuff but let’s see, if you tell a crazy dude that, then when he loses it enough to put his hands on you, well he’s gonna end your life and make sure you won’t get a chance to retaliate.
—————————————————————————————————
Hence, the reason why many smart women notice the signs of a crazy man and get out of the relationship before things go sour. If a guy is calling me every 5 minutes I view that as a sign that I’m dealing with a crazy ***** ***** and bail right away.
barb
8/4/09, 19:11:pm
that pic is funny.
as hell.
Blacky
8/4/09, 19:31:pm
Celebs Know to beat on women:
Chris Brown
Wesley Snipes
Trey Songz
Joe
There are more but I can’t think of them now. Anyone else?
what
8/4/09, 23:19:pm
@Blacky
========
El Debarge’s mom left her husband (who, by the way, was WHITE), because he abused her and the kinds.
Abuse, as any good police detective will tell you, isn’t just limited to the poor and to minorities — the latter just don’t have the means to cover up their nastiness, the way people of means do.
what
8/4/09, 23:20:pm
… ah hell …
that would be ‘her and the kids’ ….
NoooooooBoo
8/4/09, 23:43:pm
If a fool hits you once, that’s your cue to get to stepping period!!! It ain’t no *****ing do overs. Yeah he can apologize and get counseling…wonderful…maybe that ***** will help you with the next *****…but not me!! And as for There is no excuse for you either sista!!!
NoooooooBoo
8/4/09, 23:45:pm
what the hell happen…did you cut out my ***** again Bossip? I was saying that for you women, there is no excuse for you to ever put your hands on a man either. You can’t have a doubole standard. Any exchange of violence is a “No Go”…not healthy at all.
NoooooooBoo
8/4/09, 23:46:pm
Whoa!!!! Baby two of these men you named are GAY, so how in the hell they were hitting women is beyond me unless it was over a *****!
Blacky
Celebs Know to beat on women:
Chris Brown
Wesley Snipes
Trey Songz
Joe
There are more but I can’t think of them now. Anyone else?
Ms.LoveJones
8/5/09, 00:30:am
Dang Wesley? Is he the one who supposely beat Halle so bad she lost part of her hearing?
That's sad
8/5/09, 02:58:am
Thank you for finally saying something responsible and unambiguous about abuse. But your title…”How much is too much?” No, no, no, ANY abuse is WAY too much and no one should put up with it. And unfortunately, too many people (especially women) do put up with it.
THE HELL IT IS
8/5/09, 09:47:am
ANY ABUSE is too much. I wish a n***a would try to put his hands on me. I ‘m not a hitter, I would never hit/disrespect my man in public so I dont expect the same to be done to me. No woman should have to go through it, period. A man who hits a woman is a coward who cannot control his emotions nor have a civilized conversation with someone…actually I just described a 5 yr old kid.
ManUp
8/5/09, 12:53:pm
@THE HELL IT IS – so you would hit/disrespect your man in private?? So if a man who hits a woman is a coward, then what is a woman who hits a man?
THE HELL IT IS
8/6/09, 10:58:am
@Man Up. You missed my first point, I’m not a hitter so I don’t expect to be hit period. I think one has to know how to handle their matters in private sans hitting. A woman who hits a man needs to get therapy and find out what her problem is. That being said, theres a way to fight smart. Knowing that this person you are “fighting” is not of the same body m***** as you thus her hit is not as hard as yours, how is the fight fair? How can you justify “hitting her back”. People just need to grow up.