Love and Relationships: Do I Leave or Stay?

- By Bossip Staff Categories: Love and Relationships, News, Sex and Relationships

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Good morning Bossip readers! We have a very interesting plight that needs some attention from you all.

Dear Bossip,

I wanted to know what you and your readers think about this crazy situation I have going on. I have been with my kids’ father for almost 7 years. We have two beautiful girls and I just found out that I’m 6 months pregnant with our first son. When we got the news we couldn’t have been happier! So far, my life sounds good to someone on the outside looking in but it’s not.

Throughout our relationship, my sort of husband (lol) has been a wonderful provider and support system for this family operation we have going on. Me and the kids are very well taken care of and we’ve never wanted for anything. But he’s not the corporate type that gets up and goes to work everyday and he’s not the blue collar worker either. I think you can read between the lines as far as it relates to his “occupation.” I’ve been asking him for years to put some money aside and buy some real estate or open a business or even start a college fund for the kids. But he has not and doesn’t show signs that he’s willing to consider trying to live a life of legitimacy.

I’m so tired of my heart skipping a beat when the phone rings thinking he’s been hurt or worse. Late nights without him home are horrible, and he’s already barely escaped two felony convictions! I don’t know what to do. I love him and he’s a great father and partner, but what can I do to get him to understand that this lifestyle catches up to even the most crafty, when he thinks he’s “too smart for that.” It’s not that I feel unsafe or fear for the safety of my family, but I fear for his and really just need this to end! I can’t bring our third child into the world with this type of stress and anxiety. I’ve gotten to a point where my nerves are shot and I’m an emotional wreck. But what do I do? Do I leave or stay?

Sincerely,

tired, pregnant and confused

Wow. This is a very sticky situation you have. The words “occupation” and legitimacy along with the implications of an abundance of cash flow somewhat confirms that you and your family are years entrenched in the fast life. You also didn’t give any indication that you work or have steady income to contribute to your family operation. Would you be able to sustain your living space and expenses if your spouse threw in the towel and quit what he does or suddenly couldn’t continue? It sounds like this is a lifestyle you may have grown accustomed to, and surely it’s enticing being able to get what you want when you want it and that seems like it would be the hardest part to let go of. With responsibility comes sacrifice, and if you want to live a life without the stresses of your man’s “occupation” you might have to leave, unless he’s willing to turn a new leaf. If you do leave, where would you go? Do you have family you could reach out to? Do you have a stash of funds that you could start over with? It’s best to have a plan if you leave. Just don’t take forever making your exit strategy, do the best you can with what you have.

Your partner can do a number of things to generate income, but without being specific, you’re clearly uncomfortable with the set-up. You can choose to do whatever you want to do and be involved with whatever you want in whatever capacity. You are responsible for your own actions, but the children are victims of circumstance should anything happen to you or your partner. One thing is for sure, your children need both of you to be at your best in order to thrive. You should put your kids first and do what’s best for them, first and foremost, and maybe your man will follow your lead.

Bossip readers, what do you think? Should she stay or should she leave? Please remember to e-mail all feedback and topics and suggestions to loveandrelationships@bossip.com

Comments

  • No u can't be boyfriend #2!

    LEAVE! IF IT’S MEANT TO BE HE’LL COME BACK and be the man he is suppose to be!

  • I'm Just Me: Keeping It Real Since 1983

    @ Hannibal

    LMAOOOOO! You stoopid. Start by thinking about who said they are pregnant.

    First of all you just found out you were 6 months pregnant. That sounds to be a problem within itself. I hope you were eating right and taking care of yourself before. Or else this lifstyle could be the least of your worries.

    With that being said…I am with TB…be out. That life has no boundaries and if he messes with the wrong person it could be you or your children that are harmed. That is not a good look at all. Providing $$ isn’t all that a man needs to do. He needs to protect his family, not put you in harm’s way and with the fast life, most likely he is. You have to think about what is best for your children.

    Should you choose not to leave, then when he is breaking you off some of those stacks, YOU need to be putting $$ away for a rainy day or for the kids college fund. Even if it is only $100 a month. Start with something. That way you have $$ to fall back on should one of those felonies stick.

    And since he already has been arrested and been in court it is only a matter of time before they catch him out there.

  • Nique

    If you cared anything about your family, you would have left your “husband” after the first child. You wouldnt have made the choice to continue having children with someone whose feedom/life is being compromised everyday. If you cared as much as you say you do, you would have already had this man marry you after 7 years.

    Im not convinced this person is concerned with anything but the lifestyle thats in jeopardy if he is jailed or worse killed. This is the classic case of the “HOOD MENTALITY” that continues to plague the blk community. Neither of them have anything to show for the last 7 yrs but “guts full of human”.

  • http://bossip.com tasty t

    the only thing i can tell you, is that you see he is not willing to stop being a street pharmacist and you said yourself that he is not willing to invest the money in your kids future or your future, so what is that telling you, cause if he get caught you still gonna end up with nothing, there is no money being saved or put to the side by your own admission, my question to you what are you doing to provide for your family when the day come, and trust me it’s gonna come. you have to have your own life just in case, as for me if i was in that situation i would of been in school getting some kind of degree, you guys have been together for 7 years and you could of had some type of degree under your belt for when the day comes, so just dont put this all off on him you know what he is doing and again by your own admission, so you should of been thinking about the future you see he is not, so if you end up in poverty you did it to yourself. there is no way i would be with a man and dont benefit from it especially if he is pulling the money in, its not about him it’s about you and your children and you should of had your head straight in this situation your man is thinking about him right now he is caught up in the life style, and you should of been caught up in educating yourself with that money so when the time comes and he is gone you and your children will have a good life…..wake up girl dont be stupid

  • Whaaaa

    First, prayer is needed. Secondly, you can’t change someone else, you can only change yourself. If in fact your change causes a change in them or not, you must be committed to what is best for your life and the lives of your children. Consider what example you are setting for them. If a change is truly what you seek, then it begins with you.

  • http://www.yahoo.com Re

    No offense, but why are you having multiple kids with a man that you are not married to? One…okay, accidents happen.

    You’re letting this man get everything out of you that he could get out of marriage. He doesn’t believe he has to change anything, I’m sure, at this point. I mean, ya’ll are shacking up and everything?

    The point is, that if you witheld some things and saved them for marriage, he’d probably think twice about it before deciding he’s comfortable with his life right now. I wish you the best girl, but if you’re having a hard time NOW….?

  • Nique

    @EVERYONE THATS POSTED

    I AM CO-SIGNING SO HARD TO EVERY LAST ONE OF YOU THAT HAVE POSTED SO FAR! GLAD TO KNOW THERE ARE SOME PPL OUT HERE WITH SOME DAMN SENSE!!

  • awakened

    I dig the fact she fears for his safety…however definitely consider the childrens FIRST because right now you are thinking FOR them…literally…your actions depict to them what a life should be if they see you most of the time…perhaps you should approach him with sincerity and options well thought out as well.

    This isn’t the hardest of situations but it is complicated. I don’t feel leaving when the love is strong is necessary especially if the sacrifice is “family” in return for “safety”…

    I like to collect a nice perspective from outside reliable sources but then I tap into prayer and get a response that’s pleasing and satisfying.

  • H2O ***THE WATER BOY***

    Right on Tony R. she should prepare for the worst…

  • I'm Just Me: Keeping It Real Since 1983

    IF YOU ARE SMART ENOUGH TO KNOW HE “WON’T WIN” IN THIS GAME…YOU NEED TO BE SMART ENOUGH TO GO YOUR OWN WAY…WHAT HAPPENS IF YOUR BABIES HEAD IS BLOWN OFF OF HIS/HER SHOULDERS??? THEN YOU GOING TO BE ACTING A FOOL, BLAMING THE NEIGHBORHOOD, ETC. WHEN REALLY IT IS YOUR “HUSBAND” THAT PUT YOU IN THAT SITUATION.

  • Caramel Cat

    Read the book ‘The Coldest Winter Ever’, your azz just might end up like Winter’s mother with your daughters ending up like Winter. The lifestyle ALWAYS catches up to you and it’s never pretty…

  • maxamillion

    Erykah Badu – Otherside of the game

    Leave!

  • awakened

    Planning and Orgainizing is what keeps a family strong no matter of the career…

    A. Plans, Goals, Ambitions (Have Y’all Discussed?)
    B. Accomplish Things Together
    C. Sincerity…If I have been with a gentleman for 7 years then he believes what got is what keeps me…he won’t take me serious to ask for change and stay…?!?! Discuss options and healthy and comfortable alternatives..

  • Old Timer

    Why is she complaining now after 7 years?

    You know the time to have marinated over these issues was several years ago, not now. The die has been cast.

    She’s going to have to play with the hand that she dealt herself. Not many options left.

  • Samantha

    First of all let’s get it straight he is not a great father. He is a drug dealer with kids. If he gets kills tonight your kids will not even get a social security check because he has not held a job. Not only that, but everyday that he goes out to sell drugs he put not only his life in jeopardy. why are you continually laying up bringing babies into this sick and sad situation. No good can come out of this life style because end the end it’s going to catch up with him and he will either go to jail or get killed on the streets take your pick. I pray to God you’ve been smare enough put a way some money and have gotten and education because your going to need it. You need to get an exit strategy for you and your kids and get the hell out while you can.

  • Samantha

    First of all let’s get it straight he is not a great father. He is a drug dealer with kids. If he gets kills tonight your kids will not even get a social security check because he has not held a job. Not only that, but everyday that he goes out to sell drugs he put not only his life in jeopardy but also yours and those babies. why are you continually laying up bringing babies into this sick and sad situation. No good can come out of this life style because in the end it’s going to catch up with him and he will either go to jail or get killed on the streets take your pick. I pray to God you’ve been smart enough put a way some money and have gotten and education because your going to need it. You need to get an exit strategy for you and your kids and get the hell out while you can.

  • Breeze

    You are the only lady that I know of involved in that lifestyle who isn’t secretly stashing money. Maybe you are but I am unclear about that from your letter. Save some money (or stash)- then leave and go get educated/trained. Depending on men leads to poverty. A woman should always have a plan or a hustle to take care of her and her children.

  • awakened

    Listen she loves him…

    He is the father of her children

    So leaving isn’t the best option and there’s more than one in this scenario…she’s not new to this but true to this.

  • rudeashell.com

    If he’s all of these things, then I’m SURE he can find a job that is legal that will appreciate all his fine qualities. I wouldn’t stay; deals go bad, family members are hurt *and worse*; and you guys are nothing but pawns-sitting ducks in this situation. IF you love your children, you’ll leave him alone-because the road he’s headed down only leads to two things: DEATH or PRISON. You seriously need to get your priorities in order. Your children and their well-being comes first. Last I checked, AINT NO 401(K) from the block, ain’t no PENSION from the corner, and damn sho ain’t no medical benefits from the game. Do what YOU gotta do for your kids. Cuz he is NOT gonna stop. He’s enjoying the lifestyle that his “occupation” affords him. Don’t let you and your children be the ultimate price for his lavishness.

  • 3LuvMe*

    how are u findin out that ur 6 months pregnant?? so for tha las 5 mnths u didnt notice any changes in ur body? or mayb it was meant to b written “im 6 months pregnant wit our 1st son” anywho, i think that bein a mother you are goin to hav to make those sacrifices to better your family. i didnt get if it was stated that she was working or not, but mayb you shud start to get plans togethr for u and ur family, b/c we kno all gd things com to an end. and i agree wit wat Whaaa said,that u cant change another person, only urslf and ur change will bring tha change in that person, *sometimes*, but prayers to you and ur family..

  • awakened

    In order to be taken serious you have to show effort…

    can’t ask someone to change and not compromise a show of change on your end.

  • Old Timer

    If she leaves him, she will be stuck with taking care of three children by herself.

    If she stays with him, she will be stuck with taking care of three children by herself.

    If he goes to jail or gets killed, she will be stuck with taking care of three children by herself.

    Whatever happens, she’s going to be taking care of three children by herself.

  • Just A Thought

    Not to sound harsh but WTF were you thinking? A better question Where you thinking? You knew the mission was dangerous when you took it!

    You had to know what type of lifestyle came with his “occupation”. Self-preservation is the golden rule. You must love yourself first and foremost. If you do not love yourself you will always allow folk to use you as a doormat. A peace of mind beats the brakes off of anything!

    IF, he making all this money to invest in real estate, set up college funds, etc then you need to stack of some cash for you and your children. He must not give you any money, or you a stay home and he dishes cash out to you. Whatever the case maybe the song says, “God bless the child that got his own”. This one is no brainer for me. Plan your work, work your plan. 1. Pray, 2. Fall in love with you. 3. Look at your children and realize they deserve better. 4. Get enough money for you and your children to start a new and better life 5. Work on making you a new and improved woman. 6. Tell him your plan, pick your leave date and stick to it. 7. Don’t let fear paralyze you. You can not and will not soar like an eagle when you hang with turkeys — cause turkey can’t fly!!

  • Old Timer

    awakened

    Listen she loves him…

    He is the father of her children

    So leaving isn’t the best option and there’s more than one in this scenario…she’s not new to this but true to this.
    _________________________________

    I guess if she loves him and he’s the father of her children, she’d better learn the drug running business so she can take up where he left off when he bites the big one or has to do some serious time.

    I don’t understand why she’s thinking about this now.

  • Aunt Viv

    I’m sorry but this brotha sounds as damaged as they come. It’s unfortunate that she appears to have deliberately chosen to have children with this man without the legal protections of marriage. This woman should take her kids, and GO!

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