Hello Bossip! I love your site and I visit everyday! I have a topic for your “Dear Bossip” section, and yes Bossiperz, I’m asking you for advice. I am a mother of two and me and my son’s father are no longer together. We had a lengthy on again off again relationship for almost 8 years and we ended our engagement about three years ago. We had our boys when we were relatively young and I can pretty much attribute youth and immaturity to our break-up, but it was mutual and neither of us harbored any anger or resentment towards each other. Like I said, we were in and out of the relationship for a long time and as rocky as we were, I never took him to court for child support or pressured him to give me money or pay my bills, nothing like that. He sees his kids as often as he wants and he never asks if they need anything! A lot of that is because I’ve always taken care of myself and had my own and he knows that his kids are well taken care of. My position has been that he’ll have to answer to his children for his lack of consistency and selfishness at some point, so I never bad mouth him to my kids and we get along fairly well, now that I’ve accepted the fact that he’s not going to change or be a more involved parent just because I want him to.
My boys tell me everything and a couple months ago, my oldest son told me that his father and his latest girlfriend are getting married. I have met her a few times and she’s really young but sweet and good to my boys when they’re with them. At some point, I knew that we’d both eventually move on, so I’m not mad at that. I’m mad that he has the time to date. I’m more than certain he probably spends more time and money on her than his own kids. I’m always with them before school, after school, sports and projects. All of which, I pay for! I hardly date because I don’t have the time, first of all, and most of all I don’t want my sons seeing men revolve in and out of my life and theirs, no way! But again, I’ve accepted that he’s moved on, and in time, I will too I suppose. He never physically told me about the engagement, but guess what came in the mail a couple days ago? The wedding invitation. We’re cool and all, but is he serious? I really want to go slap both of them. How is he going to pay for a wedding and not even kick a couple hundred dollars a month my way for his kids? Or don’t even give it to me, put it in a savings account and let it sit! Be responsible is all I’m saying; a huge part of the reason why we didn’t work out. I’m highly offended and want to know why they would even want me there. I am more than willing to make sure the kids (who won’t be in the wedding) are there. But why do I need to be there? My girlfriends say I should go and take a date, but how awkward would that be? Should I go or do I tell them to kill themselves like I want to? What should I do?
It sounds like he’s been taking advantage of you and your commitment to parenting the children you share for a long time. It sounds like he knows beyond the shadow of a doubt that you and your boys will always be in a safe environment, fed well and involved in activities that will keep them well-rounded. Which is more than a lot of men, who aren’t with their kids on a daily basis, could say. He just doesn’t know how good he’s got it, not having to deal with courtroom drama and the like. You should be applauded for putting up with this for as long as you have and, of course, you have to deal until your kids are old enough to coordinate with their dad on their own. You’ve been taking an adult approach with a person who seems very immature, so this is a situation that will continue to try your patience, but you have to keep things cool for the kids. You can’t stress about what he’s not doing unless you’re willing to take action and hold him accountable. But in the meantime, try your best to move on with your life with your boys, who are obviously your first priority.
As far as the wedding goes, it would be very awkward to watch the man, with whom you share kids, extending a lifelong commitment to another woman. While you may not have feelings for him, in terms of romance, you were once the woman he was supposed to be walking down the aisle with. Rightfully so. Politely decline the invite, but let them know you will make sure your boys get there, let them know that you’re there for them, but you just can’t go. Why take a date and make things even more uncomfortable!? But by all means, go on a date that day! Take the day off and go out with your friends or just chill! Surely, you can think of better ways to spend your time that day! Be free for a while, you deserve some time, right? Hope this helps!
What do you think Bossip readers? Should she go? Remember to e-mail your topic suggestions, feedback and questions to loveandrelationships@bossip.com!
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