Hello Bossip! I love your site and read it everyday from my desk at work, you guys keep me cracking up!! I have an issue with my boyfriend that I’d like to share with your readers to gain a better perspective on things. Me and my boyfriend have been together for a little more than three and a half years. We’re both in our 30′s he’s 37 and I’m 34. And I truly love my man, I really do, he was supportive of my finishing school and he’s a really good guy who makes a disconcerted effort to do the right thing and makes me feel secure in our relationship. When we met he was just a little more than a year fresh out of a divorce from an eight year marriage. He and his ex-wife have two kids and he’s a great father to his kids but when we first got together, him and his ex were on terrible terms. I encouraged him to repair his communication with her because, coming from a broken household myself, I didn’t want his kids to continuously witness them at each others throats. He says he’s grateful for my understanding and that he would never have made those changes if I had not made mention of my concerns. But here we are, almost four years into our relationship and I want to be his wife and have at least one child with him. I’m 34, I’m not getting any younger and I’m ready to take these steps but whenever I talk about marriage and kids he avoids the subject. I don’t believe in shacking up but he convinced me to try him and we’ve been living together for about 6 months and I truly enjoy coming home to him, cooking for him and sharing my life with him. But I really want to get married and it just seems like a topic that is off limits. Other than me wanting him to put a ring on it, I have no complaints, like I said he’s a good man and we’ve built a strong foundation but my biological clock is ticking, lol. I want to get married and he seems content. Please be nice Bossipers what should I do?
First observation: he’s experienced all the things you want, marriage and children, and it resulted in, what sounds like, a bitter divorce. This is good and bad. Good because he knows the ins and outs of husband, wife and children. Bad because he might not want to do it again. He’s only 37 so he got married young and spent most of his adult life being a husband and father. This is an incredible task for any man and the pressure is insurmountable, so can you really blame him for taking his time before jumping the broom again when 50 percent of marriages end in divorce? Marriage is hard work and you’ve got a man who knows what it takes to make one stand the test of time, regardless of its end result, he knows the workload and probably prefers to put a lesser amount of work into a boyfriend/girlfriend situation. Without sounding cliche, why buy the cow if he’s got the milk? He’s got all the benefits of a marriage without the commitment! You have to set boundaries and adhere to them! Sounds like you had a solid stance on living together before marriage and you broke your own rule.
It’s hard to fathom the two of you hardly talked about marriage, especially before you moved in together against your beliefs. If you had made it clear right off the bat that you are not going to shack up without a marriage proposal, chances are you would know where he stands by now. Did you ask him if he wants to get married again in the near future? Have you asked him where he would like you see your relationship go and if he would like you to be his wife and have more of his kids at some point? These are direct questions that deserve direct answers so that you can make a decision as to whether or not you continue to invest your time and energy. Your time is just as valuable as anyone else’s so don’t let him waste it! But if you knew beforehand that he is disinterested in marriage and refused to accept the truth thinking you could change his mind, you’ve wasted your own time.
You say you two have a great relationship but maybe the timing is off. You have goals that you want to reach within a certain timeframe and it sounds like he’s just not ready. So put it out there and tell him exactly what you want and if he can deliver in a time that suits your needs, great! If not, then you should make moves to find your own place and start looking for someone who wants the same things you want. Hope this helps! What do you think she should do, Bossip readers?
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