Dear Bossip: I Love My Husband But . . .

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Categories: News, Sex and Relationships

Dear Bossip,
I am torn between following my heart or my mind. I am really stuck between a rock and a hard place. I am 26 years old and my husband is 36 years old. We have been together for almost four years but only married for a year and seven months. Before we were married we had our ups and downs but that was nothing compared to now! He was just too good to be true, a real casanova. I have a four-year-old daughter from a previous relationship that he would do anything for. Now we have a three month old son together. Our marriage had already been one-sided when I first found out that I was pregnant with our son. I have been unemployed since the pregnancy due to some medical complications, but he is a wonderful provider and a hard worker. Anything that the kids or I need he has no problem buying it. Every weekday he gets up and takes our daughter to school and I don’t see him again until night time even on his off days. He owns his own barber shop and every weekend he’s hanging out with the fellas and I just want to know where do I fit into his life? His cousin and his cousin’s girlfriend come by his barbershop every day like clockwork. When we have company he just ignores me like I’m not even there. He is constantly running to his mother whenever he needs something when I am right here and have always been there for him. She is constantly in our business. He has also gotten to the point where he’ll talk to me any kind of way without any respect whether we’re at home in front of the kids, with visitors, or out in public. Whenever I call him, he rushes me off the phone but he can sit and talk to everyone else all day. I have tried everything to keep my marriage together but now it’s getting to the point where I can’t stand to see him or hear his voice. I’ve asked him a dozen times “what can I do to make you spend time with me?” but all he does is brush me off. I really want to save my marriage, but I feel like I’m in this alone. I love my husband with all my heart but I am really getting fed up. What’s a woman to do? Should I stay or should I go?

Hey sis! First and foremost, thank you for writing and sharing. Sorry to hear that you’re struggling in your marriage. Naturally, these rocky pockets are to be expected but it’s all in how you maneuver through these times. You can come out of this juncture a stronger couple or realizing you need to make other moves. But the point is to get back to that space where you’re having many moments like the couple pictured above, right? So if you want to work it out, put it out there and don’t waver between staying or going. Set the tone of unity.

To get to the root of the issue, you say feel alone in your marriage. But the truth of the matter is, he might feel alone also. When you’re not working together as husband and wife, there’s a certain amount of loneliness on behalf of both parties, which may be why your husband spends most of his free time outside the home. On the other side of the spectrum, he may be overwhelmed with the new baby – as joyful as he is – and feeling the pressures of raising and supporting a growing family. Unfortunately though, instead of confronting fears and responsibilities, some tend to find ways to escape them. Not to mention, men aren’t the ones to readily admit when they’re rattled by their reality. So you have to find the right time where you feel he’ll really open up and discuss his issues. Just listen, sis. Let him vent, listen, take some time to digest what he says and respond later if you feel the need. At times, a listening ear is worth more than words.

As far as his mother goes, he’ll have to stop sharing so much with her. Definitely let him know what your concerns are in terms of her involvement. But that’s something he, and only he, will have to put an end to. Otherwise she’ll continue to make things hard, if not worse! Tread light with mothers and their grown sons (SMH), they can make or break your marriage. Sad but true. So let him sort that out with her. But from behind the scenes, however, make sure she’s reminded that, if nothing else, you are the mother of her grandson and you’d like to remain on good terms with her. She’ll get what you’re saying.

But one thing you should absolutely NOT tolerate is him disrespecting you at home, in public and in front of the children. You’ve got to put a stop to that by any means necessary! Do NOT get into the habit of tolerating this type of treatment! It’s not healthy and if you don’t check it now, it’ll only get worse. But why does he feel like this is acceptable behavior? The better question is: why is he suddenly lashing out? This is why you have to talk it out. Ask him what’s troubling your marriage in his opinion. Ask him if he wants – to work it out or split and be prepared for either answer. You have to start talking to each other, asap! If he’s willing to communicate and try to make your marriage work, that’s half the battle, but after that ready yourself for some good hard work! Put on your battle armor, love is, oftentimes, war and it doesn’t die without a good fight! Fight for your family and for your marriage! The end result is worth it.

Hope you guys work it out! What do you think she should do Bossip Readers?

Please remember to e-mail all topic suggestions, feedback and questions to loveandrelationships@bossip.com!

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