Dear Bossip: I Love My Husband But . . .

- By Bossip Staff Categories: News, Sex and Relationships

Dear Bossip,
I am torn between following my heart or my mind. I am really stuck between a rock and a hard place. I am 26 years old and my husband is 36 years old. We have been together for almost four years but only married for a year and seven months. Before we were married we had our ups and downs but that was nothing compared to now! He was just too good to be true, a real casanova. I have a four-year-old daughter from a previous relationship that he would do anything for. Now we have a three month old son together. Our marriage had already been one-sided when I first found out that I was pregnant with our son. I have been unemployed since the pregnancy due to some medical complications, but he is a wonderful provider and a hard worker. Anything that the kids or I need he has no problem buying it. Every weekday he gets up and takes our daughter to school and I don’t see him again until night time even on his off days. He owns his own barber shop and every weekend he’s hanging out with the fellas and I just want to know where do I fit into his life? His cousin and his cousin’s girlfriend come by his barbershop every day like clockwork. When we have company he just ignores me like I’m not even there. He is constantly running to his mother whenever he needs something when I am right here and have always been there for him. She is constantly in our business. He has also gotten to the point where he’ll talk to me any kind of way without any respect whether we’re at home in front of the kids, with visitors, or out in public. Whenever I call him, he rushes me off the phone but he can sit and talk to everyone else all day. I have tried everything to keep my marriage together but now it’s getting to the point where I can’t stand to see him or hear his voice. I’ve asked him a dozen times “what can I do to make you spend time with me?” but all he does is brush me off. I really want to save my marriage, but I feel like I’m in this alone. I love my husband with all my heart but I am really getting fed up. What’s a woman to do? Should I stay or should I go?

Hey sis! First and foremost, thank you for writing and sharing. Sorry to hear that you’re struggling in your marriage. Naturally, these rocky pockets are to be expected but it’s all in how you maneuver through these times. You can come out of this juncture a stronger couple or realizing you need to make other moves. But the point is to get back to that space where you’re having many moments like the couple pictured above, right? So if you want to work it out, put it out there and don’t waver between staying or going. Set the tone of unity.

To get to the root of the issue, you say feel alone in your marriage. But the truth of the matter is, he might feel alone also. When you’re not working together as husband and wife, there’s a certain amount of loneliness on behalf of both parties, which may be why your husband spends most of his free time outside the home. On the other side of the spectrum, he may be overwhelmed with the new baby – as joyful as he is – and feeling the pressures of raising and supporting a growing family. Unfortunately though, instead of confronting fears and responsibilities, some tend to find ways to escape them. Not to mention, men aren’t the ones to readily admit when they’re rattled by their reality. So you have to find the right time where you feel he’ll really open up and discuss his issues. Just listen, sis. Let him vent, listen, take some time to digest what he says and respond later if you feel the need. At times, a listening ear is worth more than words.

As far as his mother goes, he’ll have to stop sharing so much with her. Definitely let him know what your concerns are in terms of her involvement. But that’s something he, and only he, will have to put an end to. Otherwise she’ll continue to make things hard, if not worse! Tread light with mothers and their grown sons (SMH), they can make or break your marriage. Sad but true. So let him sort that out with her. But from behind the scenes, however, make sure she’s reminded that, if nothing else, you are the mother of her grandson and you’d like to remain on good terms with her. She’ll get what you’re saying.

But one thing you should absolutely NOT tolerate is him disrespecting you at home, in public and in front of the children. You’ve got to put a stop to that by any means necessary! Do NOT get into the habit of tolerating this type of treatment! It’s not healthy and if you don’t check it now, it’ll only get worse. But why does he feel like this is acceptable behavior? The better question is: why is he suddenly lashing out? This is why you have to talk it out. Ask him what’s troubling your marriage in his opinion. Ask him if he wants – to work it out or split and be prepared for either answer. You have to start talking to each other, asap! If he’s willing to communicate and try to make your marriage work, that’s half the battle, but after that ready yourself for some good hard work! Put on your battle armor, love is, oftentimes, war and it doesn’t die without a good fight! Fight for your family and for your marriage! The end result is worth it.

Hope you guys work it out! What do you think she should do Bossip Readers?

Please remember to e-mail all topic suggestions, feedback and questions to loveandrelationships@bossip.com!

More Stories From Bossip

Comments

  • oscar

    S e e k i n g A f f l u e n t c O m is a place for like-minded people who understand that intelligence, success and drive are key elements to attraction.

  • Royal Chocolate

    Crazy!

  • rum&indigo

    he’s cheating…

  • http://facebook.com/sparatic sparatic

    Anything worth fighting for is worth saving..now if he didnt have a job or friends he would get on your nerves even more…

  • Leah

    first hahahahahahaha fuk u hannibal

  • B3 Fearless

    @rum & indigo

    I didn’t want to go there but…

  • SpaRkLe_B!tCh

    lets see…i’m guess he’s been cheating for about a year and a half. lmao…..

  • Deesac

    you get what you put in a married, it sounds to me like her husband has three kids instead of two. Get a job and start acting like and adult and just maybe the man will change, he is being bug down with responsibility.

  • Sunny is BACK!!

    The writing is on the wall. More than likely,”HE’S BEING UNFAITHFUL TO YOU”! You may need to have a heart to heart talk with your husband. Let your petitions be made known to him, and address all the issues and concerns you outlined in your letter above. My prayers go out to you and yours. May god repair your marriage, and if not, then it wasnt meant to be!

  • BLISS

    Bo$$ip really does reach with these made up letters. And stupid writers who think they can dole out advice like a therapist.

  • harlemworld4eva

    I agree with above.

  • CAT EYES

    MAYBE ITS THE FACT THAT HE NOW HAS TO BE THE BREADWINNER TOTALLY FOR THE WHOLE FAMILY,WHEREAS BEFORE YOU WERE BOTH PULLING WEIGHT.OF COURSE,THE PARTNER THATS WORKING MAY START FEELING RESENTMENT AND USES THAT TO DISTANCE THEMSELF.THATS WHY I TELL PEOPLE THEY SHOULD BE SAVING MONEY BEFORE STARTING A FAMILY SO THE OTHER PARTNER DOESN’T HAVE TO WORK THEMSELF TO DEATH.

  • sean-slade

    Baby, give him an ultimatum and some monthly booty hole. If he doesn’t come around stack doe and bounce.

    Peace

  • harlemworld4eva

    I agree with the above.

  • Deesac

    It sounds like she needs to be more proactive in the relationship, the man is tired of taking care 3 kids and run a business. some black woman just don’t know how good they got it until it gone.

  • Riiiiight

    @Menominee_Nation – perfect example of how literal men are. Battle armor and war are metaphorical expressions of how we often have to go ba lls to the wall for our families. Lighten up already. Sheesh.

  • Mock Rock Star

    You all have two children so breaking up isn’t an option…I say get U someone on the side and make sure it’s not a friend of his 🙂

  • Deesac

    well why he got to be cheating because her azz is lazy. Actually that’s probably why her first relationship with the other baby daddy did not work out. I mean really DAM a brother if he ain’t got no job and DAM him if he has a job and holding down the fort WTF.

  • sean-slade

    @Harlemworld4ever

    What block u on?

  • B3 Fearless

    1. She mentions that the relationship was already one-sided EARLY in their marriage. Let’s see the son is 3 months, add in 9 months of pregnancy, that’s a year so for the first 7 months of their marriage she was putting everything emotionally into it.

    2. She has tried communicating with him, he blows her off.

    3.He is never home until the evening, even on DAYS OFF.

    4. Completely disrespects her at home and in PUBLIC.

    His only redeeming quality which she tries to balance all of those negative things with is the fact that he is being a good provider and gives her and the kids everything they need which is what he’s supposed to do as a husband.

    That is great but where is her emotional partner?

    In order to save a marriage you have to have a partner who wants to fight to maintain it as well and he doesn’t even seem like he wants to do that.

    And this has been going on for a year?

    Hmmmm I think he resents her for not having a job for so long. It sounds like she is a house wife but if that’s the case how come he’s taking the daughter to school every day and not her?

    She doesn’t mention how she is contributing to the household. It sounds like she sits around all day doing nothing but pining for him with no life of her own. She doesn’t mention whether she is looking for another job.

    Maybe this is why he has lost respect for her and treats her like a door mat.

    I’m not excusing his poor treatment or condoning it but it is something to think about.

    I think they need to go to counseling, speak with some one professionally and put all of their cards on the table.

    That is if he even still wants to be in this marriage.

  • lani3000

    Sounds like he just takes you for granted.

  • KreoleKing

    He works hard, takes care of his kids, even the one thats yours and not his, your bills are paid, you don’t work to contribute to the household, and you nag him about his friendships and his mother?

    And you are still wondering whats wrong?

    Booooooy black women are a piece of work.

  • B3 Fearless

    @Damn its Friday Yes lawd…….aka en-cog-negro

    Ok I’m glad I’m not the only person who thought this.

    And your a man saying it so at least my thought process wasn’t random.

  • Deesac

    People taking advantage of you because she develop the relationship like that, like I said if she was more proactive in her household the relationship would be in better shape so I think she needs to do some soul searching or better yet step and make it on your own.

  • B3 Fearless

    Hey Cat Eyes!

    You said it to much more briefly and tactfully as well. I agree with your statement.

1 2 3 9
blog comments powered by Disqus