Sextra: Is Withholding Sex a Good or Bad Idea?

Happy Friday Bossip fam! Let’s start the weekend with an engaging discussion about the ever perplexing relationship protocol shall we? It is no secret that there are high and low points in every relationship and every couple manages each in their own way. When times get hard, however, some couples fight it out and have really great make-up sex, in other cases sex is the gateway to better communication and then there are those who put the goods on restriction! If infidelity is an issue, then it’s a given that the desire to be intimate with someone who’s betrayed you is lost, but if you’re one to stick it out, is withholding sex a good idea or does it create a path for more of the same? Beyond the realm of cheating though, there’s still a possibility that one can become disenchanted with their partner for various reasons. It could be something as simple as constant bickering and nagging or as complex as feelings of a love lost that could leave someone turned off to a point where they sexually shut down. No matter how large or small the upset, the question is: if intimacy is supposed to strengthen the closeness shared between two people, is it a good idea to withhold when the going gets rough? We asked around and this is what some folks had to say.

Well, if I’m married, then it’s my duty as a wife to make sure my husband is content in the bedroom! If I’m not giving it to him, then someone else will for sure, so if I were married I’d have to put it down so that he wouldn’t want to go anywhere else but home to me! But since I’m still single, the cookies will be locked down! If something goes terribly wrong, that’s the first thing I’m taking back because if he’s effing up in a major way I feel like I played myself and, ultimately, he wasn’t deserving. Celibacy is key for me, that’s how I avoid the foolishness. – Renee, 27

When I was in my 20’s, I dated a woman in her 30’s. I was head over heels in love with her at first because she was a grown woman about her business. Now, what I didn’t know at the time was that women are at their sexual peak in their 30’s and we had like … explosive sex! It was like dynamite. Things were getting pretty serious and as time went on, she got more controlling and possessive. Out of the blue she started questioning me with the “where you been?” and “who were you with?” So I stopped giving it to her because I felt like that’s the only control I had in the situation. So I feel like, if you have to take it there to make a point like, “hey, you’re doing the most right now and I’m putting my foot down,” do it! I respect that but only because I’ve been there. – Rodrick, 32

I wish I could say that I had the strength to turn my man away. We’ve been together for two years and we definitely get into our fair share of arguments but I can’t resist him! I will say this though, there have been times where I have been so mad at him that I would literally try to fight him off me like “don’t touch me” but he’s relentless! In the beginning I tried to take to “off limits” approach but he gets me ready regardless of how mad I am at him and, for the most part, it’s easier to talk afterwards. I’m fortunate to have found him though, because in my previous relationship, when I shut down it was over! I’m not sure if it was the right thing to do but it seemed like the right thing to do at the time. That’s probably why he ended up cheating. – Lady, 29

When my wife doesn’t want to have sex with me, I’m hurt. I’ll be honest. If she’s not attracted to me even if it’s for a brief amount of time, I’m trying to figure out where I’m missing the mark, I’m not doing something right. For me, I look at it like this, if she’s not talking to me then she’s going to talk to somebody else. And to take it a step further, if she’s fu**ing me then she’s fu**ing somebody else. Men should never think that women don’t fall prey to weakness as quickly or easily as men do because they do! I understand she’ll have her days when she doesn’t feel up for it but if it’s something deeper than that, I need to know so I can put an end to it. To answer your question, I do think it’s a good idea because it’ll get a brotha thinking … for real. – Charles, 34

If I could do it all over again, I would definitely say no, it’s not a good idea. I’ve been divorced for about a year now and that I’ve had the time to kind of process, I think I should’ve done things a little different as far as intimacy is concerned. As a wife, I think I should’ve found it within myself to love him when we were going through it because cutting off the sex was the first thing I did. I would put him out the room and give him the silent treatment for days. I was so cold towards him and I’m certain that’s a lot of the reason why he didn’t even bother after a while. Then when he finally did cheat, I was like, “I want a divorce,” you know? But in all honesty, I should’ve seen it coming and on top of that, I probably could’ve prevented it. But hey, I was young! You live and you learn! – Donna, 35

Please discuss, Bossip folks!

Have a wonderful weekend and please remember to e-mail all topic suggestions, feedback and questions to loveandrelationships@bossip.com!