Bossip I have a major problem. Well I’ve been with my man for about a year and change and he has a girl who’s 6 and a 4 year old boy with his baby mama. They were engaged and she called off the wedding because she felt like he wasn’t ready to settle down. For a long time I though he was still in love with her but the more time we spent together and got to know each other the more I realized his feelings for me were true and now my feeling for him are stronger!!! Well now that she knows we’re serious the baby mama is getting in the way. I think she starts sh*t with him just because she knows she upsets him easily. She fusses at him because she thinks the time we spend together with his kids is not quality enough because I’m always around but I get along with them and they are good kids. How do I let his baby mama know that losing him was her loss, she needs to move on with her life and I’m not going nowhere because I’m to a point where if we meet it’s going to be hard for me not to be nasty to her because I already don’t like her. Your advice would be appreciated.
“The New Girl”
Good day to you, “new girl!” Thank you for writing in and sharing. So let’s get this straight, you have never met the mother of your boyfriend’s children and you don’t like her why? It doesn’t have to be like that at all. In fact, it shouldn’t be. First and foremost, if your relationship with this man is that serious then the children need to see, as in witness, the three of you working together to make sure they’re always comfortable. The extra tension in an already sensitive situation is unnecessary. Put yourself in the kid’s shoes, although it wasn’t mentioned, let’s assume they lived as a family before the engagement was called off. They once knew a life with both parents who are now no longer together and, yes, they’ll eventually adjust but are you helping or hurting the situation? Ask yourself and answer honestly. Since you’re all adults, there’s really no reason why you all can’t work together to make sure the transitions from Mom’s to Dad’s house are peaceful and amicable . . . for the sake of the kids, man.
Your “man” should’ve been man enough to introduce you to his ex before you began spending extended amounts of time with the kids they share. That way he could’ve set the tone of how he would like the three of you to interact! Are you sure the issue is not that she has a problem with her kids under the care of, virtually, a complete stranger? Would you trust your children with a stranger? Wouldn’t you be a bit concerned? If, God forbid, there’s an emergency with the kid’s father while you’re all together, would you know how to reach her or even recognize her if you had to? Would she know how to contact you if need be? You should, at very least, know each other’s faces and establish an open line of communication . . . for the sake of the kids man! It doesn’t have to be this way! While you’re busy trying to let her know that you’re “not going nowhere” the truth of the matter is, SHE’S not going anywhere! Seriously, she’s got the man’s kids full-time. If you haven’t already, insist on meeting her and if you’re in it to win it, you’re going to have to deal with her in some form or fashion. Tell her that you’ve enjoyed getting to know the babies and whatever you can do to support the relationship between your “man” and his kids you’ll do it, even if that means giving them space and time to bond. Somebody’s got to man up and he might appreciate you taking the wheel without drama and rancor. If you’ve already tried to reach out and she’s rejected your advances then he has to be the one to bridge the gap. That’s his battle with her that he’ll have to resolve, you have absolutely nothing to do with it until it’s time to come together for the kids.
You cannot continue to feed into the idea that the exchanges between you and the children’s mother has to be “nasty.” With a more positive attitude the two of you might end up getting along, which would be ideal. If you continue on this way, the situation is going to grow ugly but if you can avoid it by being the bigger person, why not? This whole “baby mama drama” bit is for the birds! The three of you must remember that you’re setting an example so put the children first at all times and be responsible, civil adults . . .once again, for the sake of the kids!
What do you think Bossip Readers?
Please remember to e-mail all topic suggestions, feedback and questions to firstname.lastname@example.org!
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