Dear Bossip: She Won’t Let Me Be a Father

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Categories: News, Sex and Relationships

In response to the last letter where a man’s current girlfriend was lightweight beefing with his baby mama you gave some pretty good advice but what if the shoe is on the other foot? I was with my ex girl for almost 4 years and we have 2 kids. My oldest is 3 and my youngest just made a year. Things didn’t work out between us but I never let that stop me from being a father. We’ve both moved on but she’s got this new dude that she’s moved in with her and my daughters and I’m not feeling it. At first she tried to keep it a secret from me until he told me that he lives there in a heated argument we had over the phone where he was talking about “this is my house” and “I’m taking care of the girls now” and accused me of being a deadbeat and wanting to get back with my ex. This is so far from the truth and what I really think is happening is she is taking the money I give her for kids and using it for herself then crying the blues to this cat and he gives her money too which is none of my business what he does for her, my first concern is the girls. Well since me and dude had the argument she’s been super shady with the kids and won’t allow me to come get them and take them out to dinner or to the park after I get off work and the last two weekends she didn’t answer my calls and when I went over there she threatened to call the police! The weekends were my time with them and she’s trying to take that away from me. I’m a good father and I would die for my kids before I let anything happen to them, I just want to be a father. Should I fight this in court or try to work it out with her?

Good day to you, sir! Thank you for writing in a sharing. It’s unfortunate to hear that the mother of your children is keeping you from seeing your girls for whatever reason. With the “deadbeat dad” syndrome being somewhat of a trend these days, it’s completely foolish of her to deter your desire to be an active father. It’s truly unfortunate and only hurts the kids in the long run. Just like the last situation that was similar, it really shouldn’t be this way! As you say, you’ve both moved on, which is to be expected, but all the adults in this situation should conduct themselves accordingly when dealing with the kids! It’s only for their sake. They don’t need to feel any tension or hostility when transitioning from one parent to the other and you all are going to have to work together to make sure they’re comfortable at all times.

True, your daughters’ mother should’ve been honest with you about having had her boyfriend move in. Anyone could understand your concern which is probably why she wasn’t honest about it to begin with. Your little girls are living with a stranger in your eyes and that’s enough to send any father into a fit of rage which likely propelled that “heated argument” you had on the phone. You have to establish an open line of communication with her first and her boyfriend should stay out of it until you two can work it out. Again, your concern is valid, however, if you can find a way to talk it out with your ex to settle your visitations dispute that would be ideal, right? Put your foot down and show her you mean business. Let her know that you’re willing to take extreme measures to ensure your time with your kids and see if that sways her disposition. If you were overly concerned for their safety or felt that they were being harmed or neglected, it’s fairly safe to assume you wouldn’t be writing us and already in throws of a legal battle to secure full custody of your girls.

Unfortunately, going through the court system will only worsen the tension between the two of you so if you can avoid it, it’s worth a shot. By all means, though, if you feel the need to do so, make sure your case is solid! If you haven’t already, record all financial transactions that you make as it relates to your kids. If you’re giving her money for daycare, start paying the school directly and get receipts! If you continue to give her money directly, keep a log. If she threatens to call the police, let her! If you’re not acting belligerent and calmly explain to them that you’re being kept from your kids and you just want to know they’re safe, there should be no trouble-request documentation from them so you can take that to the judge as well. Hopefully it won’t come to this and you and your ex can come to a peaceable agreement without the courtroom drama but if that’s what it takes, so be it. She can’t say you didn’t explore other avenues. In closing, the kids need to see you all behave as rational, sound decision making adults because you’re setting an example! Good luck to you and continue to fight for your fatherhood!

What do you think Bossip Fam?

Please remember to e-mail all topic suggestions, feedback and questions to loveandrelationships@bossip.com!

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