Dear Bossip: She Won’t Let Me Be a Father

- By Bossip Staff Categories: News, Sex and Relationships

In response to the last letter where a man’s current girlfriend was lightweight beefing with his baby mama you gave some pretty good advice but what if the shoe is on the other foot? I was with my ex girl for almost 4 years and we have 2 kids. My oldest is 3 and my youngest just made a year. Things didn’t work out between us but I never let that stop me from being a father. We’ve both moved on but she’s got this new dude that she’s moved in with her and my daughters and I’m not feeling it. At first she tried to keep it a secret from me until he told me that he lives there in a heated argument we had over the phone where he was talking about “this is my house” and “I’m taking care of the girls now” and accused me of being a deadbeat and wanting to get back with my ex. This is so far from the truth and what I really think is happening is she is taking the money I give her for kids and using it for herself then crying the blues to this cat and he gives her money too which is none of my business what he does for her, my first concern is the girls. Well since me and dude had the argument she’s been super shady with the kids and won’t allow me to come get them and take them out to dinner or to the park after I get off work and the last two weekends she didn’t answer my calls and when I went over there she threatened to call the police! The weekends were my time with them and she’s trying to take that away from me. I’m a good father and I would die for my kids before I let anything happen to them, I just want to be a father. Should I fight this in court or try to work it out with her?

Good day to you, sir! Thank you for writing in a sharing. It’s unfortunate to hear that the mother of your children is keeping you from seeing your girls for whatever reason. With the “deadbeat dad” syndrome being somewhat of a trend these days, it’s completely foolish of her to deter your desire to be an active father. It’s truly unfortunate and only hurts the kids in the long run. Just like the last situation that was similar, it really shouldn’t be this way! As you say, you’ve both moved on, which is to be expected, but all the adults in this situation should conduct themselves accordingly when dealing with the kids! It’s only for their sake. They don’t need to feel any tension or hostility when transitioning from one parent to the other and you all are going to have to work together to make sure they’re comfortable at all times.

True, your daughters’ mother should’ve been honest with you about having had her boyfriend move in. Anyone could understand your concern which is probably why she wasn’t honest about it to begin with. Your little girls are living with a stranger in your eyes and that’s enough to send any father into a fit of rage which likely propelled that “heated argument” you had on the phone. You have to establish an open line of communication with her first and her boyfriend should stay out of it until you two can work it out. Again, your concern is valid, however, if you can find a way to talk it out with your ex to settle your visitations dispute that would be ideal, right? Put your foot down and show her you mean business. Let her know that you’re willing to take extreme measures to ensure your time with your kids and see if that sways her disposition. If you were overly concerned for their safety or felt that they were being harmed or neglected, it’s fairly safe to assume you wouldn’t be writing us and already in throws of a legal battle to secure full custody of your girls.

Unfortunately, going through the court system will only worsen the tension between the two of you so if you can avoid it, it’s worth a shot. By all means, though, if you feel the need to do so, make sure your case is solid! If you haven’t already, record all financial transactions that you make as it relates to your kids. If you’re giving her money for daycare, start paying the school directly and get receipts! If you continue to give her money directly, keep a log. If she threatens to call the police, let her! If you’re not acting belligerent and calmly explain to them that you’re being kept from your kids and you just want to know they’re safe, there should be no trouble-request documentation from them so you can take that to the judge as well. Hopefully it won’t come to this and you and your ex can come to a peaceable agreement without the courtroom drama but if that’s what it takes, so be it. She can’t say you didn’t explore other avenues. In closing, the kids need to see you all behave as rational, sound decision making adults because you’re setting an example! Good luck to you and continue to fight for your fatherhood!

What do you think Bossip Fam?

Please remember to e-mail all topic suggestions, feedback and questions to loveandrelationships@bossip.com!

Comments

  • lani3000

    Women can be petty as shyyyte sometimes. Shame on her for not’setting dude straight”. Your their father period.

    They both wrong for that.

  • LaDiva

    Ladies, never take the shyt u are going thru with the father of your kid(s) on your kids. Act like an adult instead of the child u are representing.

  • http://www.myspace.com/870 bg

    I wonder what’s gonna happen when her and the new guy don’t work out. I don’t have kids but I can imagine that homeboy is pissed. Try to be the bigger man and work it out!

  • No u can't be boyfriend #2!

    That’s what the courts are there for! Enforce your RIGHTS!!!!!!

    Sad!

  • THE SMOKIN' SECTION

    Why the hell did she move a boyfriend in with her small kids?! He should fight for custody…he don’t know that joker that’s livin’ with HIS kids!!!

  • drock

    Many scorned women use their children as a weapon.

  • 6 Inch Walker

    I think his BM is beyond the point of trying to be rational and work things out. Does she have any idea of how many women there are without the support of her kids’ father? Log EVERYTHING from when you give her money and how much to the days where you make contact for your days of visitation and do not get them. Then take her to court!!

  • Jdubb

    As a mother I have always said thet I would never keep my kids away from their dad; if he’s being a responsible adult and handling his business as a man. And for a while he wasn’t. He wouldn’t come and see about them or give me money to help take care of them. I am twenty three and have a full time job, but my salary alone doesn’t cut it sometimes. He eventually came around and began to handle his business and I gladly welcomed him in my babies’ life and all has been well. I don’t think a woman who gets a new man who is willing to step up and help care for her babies should just completely cut the biological father off unless he doesn’t want to be around or is a danger to the children he has with her. I think it’s unfair to him and especially to the kids. They should always know that even though Mommy and Daddy aren’t together they still love them and still want them in their lives.

  • that damn sh#$ disturber

    i could pull out her toe nails for you for $5 a piece!

  • Nique(C'mon Vamanos!!)

    Pure baby momma/baby daddy drama!

    I think in this case u should’ve already taken this issue 2 the courts.Dont act so surprised @ how sheisty ol girl acting now- u were with her 4yrs prior so u should’ve had an idea.

    All that back n forth with the bf is unnecessary-thats what females do. Address ur baby moms with any issues u might have directly.

    But I suggest that from now on, u start to document any and all dealings with ol girl.

    Good luck.

  • MrGantri

    Whenever I hear women saying they are “on they’re own” or “the father is no good”, blah, blah, blah, I know that it is no where near as much the mans fault as it is made out to be(probably 60/40 in the womans favor). If it ain’t money, it’s some other b.s. – but the kids are always the one who come up short. Kids want both the mom and dad in they’re lives. (I am so glad that my sons mother never had that “it’s-all-about-ME” mentality).

  • cruzan trini

    Take that b*tch to court. PERIOD! Put the laws in her life, show her you ain’t playing about your kids and while your at it…grow a pair.

  • Paula

    Go to court right now. That’s the only way to get your rights reinforced! People are changeable; one minute pissed another nice. Get your docs in order indicating how serious you are about caring for your children- most judges will like that. If you can, try working out the arrangement with ex and then present to judge at family court. That will help your case too!

  • SHEENA

    I THINK HE SHOULD GET CUSTODY OF HIS KIDS! THAT CHICK IS STRAIGHT ACTING LIKE A HOOD RAT AND SHE PROBLEY DONT EVEN KNOW DUDE TO BE LETTING HIM MOVE IN, HE COULD BE A CHILD MOLESTER FOR ALL SHE KNOW. I WOULD NOT DEAL WITH IT IF I WAS HIM I WOULD GET MY KIDS ASAP

  • tg

    Take it to court – it’s the only way. Otherwise someone is going to get hurt. Your ex is stupid. I would never move a man in with my two lil daughters and me. I have to be seeing this man for YEARS before I trusted him around my children. Some women never learn. And second – no matter how much you may hate the man – never deny him his children if he wants to be with them. UNLESS THE man is dangerous. Otherwise, they should be around their father more than this stranger. Dang – we talk about Dads – some Moms never learn.

  • DaHonestTruth ~ Always Keepin it REAL

    This is a sad story. He needs to take her to court and demand visitation. No man willing to be a father to his children should ever have ot go through this, especially a black man just because of how many black man are not in their kids lives. SMH @ her immaturity. She will regret her behavior one day soon!

  • tg

    If I were him – I tried for FULL CUSTODY, too. Its one thing dating a man – but moving him in with your children. And he talking about this is his home. Well when he does something she don’t like – she gonna have a problem getting him out of “HIS HOME”. LMAO

  • IGuessso

    This whole scenario could be resolved by applying through the court system for visitation rights. Unless you have a history of drug abuse, criminal activity or domestic abuse that can be proven, you’re pretty much eligible for it. If your name is not on their birth certificates, they’re going to make you take a paternity test to establish that you’re the parent. Once that is established and you have a pretty decent record, your visitation would be awarded. If after the court awards you visitation she still prevents you from seeing the children, you can file her in contempt. But be prepared for that because in the even that happens, it’s possible that the girls maybe solely awarded to you temporarily until mom gets it together.

  • ReALiSt aKa ReALeSt(GoT My NeGrO wAkE Up CaLL 2dAy - F*cK a RaCiSt PiG!!)

    I don’t what women want – If homie doesn’t care about the children – they gonna call him a deadbeat.. Homie wants to take care of his children but woman wouldn’t let him… This heffa also spends the kids’ money on her ho-ish self… Some women are just confused and selfish beings – It has also to be all about them…

  • serene

    I agree with with keeping a log of everything. And go to court. Never mind the cost of a lawyer, do what you need to do for your girls. I will even say go for full custody. There us no cost high enough for your girls. I think you should especially take it to the courts cuz from the souds of it….it doesn’t sound like its going to get better.

    lastly, she moved in with some man? I personally find it disturbing. What do you know about this man? Do u even know anything about him? My mother was a single mother of two of us, I don’t remember men coming into our house until i was about 16, (not that she didn’t date) so moving in with a man, that you as father don’t know anything about, really makes me raised me raise my eyebrows. Do what you need to do to get your girls.

    Good luck

  • Gimmeabreak78

    Alas, this fiasco is what the baby mama/baby daddy culture has given us.

    A. These two people had not one, but two children outside of wedlock and are surprised that their lives are a mess? It’s only a matter of time before the mother is knocked up again by the new guy.

    B. The mother is an idiot. After a failed shack-up relationship that produced two illegitimate children, she has decided to move a “boyfriend” into her home with her two young kids. Not only is that dangerous, it’s backwards. She already has three people under her roof, and she brought in a fourth who is an adult? It seems like any man worth his salt would not want the appearance of being a “kept man”.

    C. It’s telling that the “boyfriend” didn’t have his own place to move into or move them into. Instead he chose to move in with a woman with two kids. Trifling. Not to mention, new dude is posturing over the phone, calling it “his house”

    D. The father is an idiot for not enforcing his parental rights. If he is not getting the visitation to which he is legally entitled, he’s wasting his time going back and forth with his baby mama and her future baby daddy #2.

  • LYRICS

    TAKE HER ISH 2 COURT CUZ IT’S OBVIOUS SHE’S TRYNA EAT HER CAKE N’ HAVE IT TOO!!!! THERE AIN’T A LOTTA MEN OUT THERE LIKE U, SO SHOW HER WHAT A GOOD MAN DOES 4 THEIR CHILDREN N’ FIGHT HER ALLLLLL THE WAY!!!!!! WOMEN LIKE HER GIVE US GOOD WOMEN A BAD NAME!!!!!!!!!!!!

  • OhMyMulatto

    Also, loggin information is vital to ur case, be sure to inform everyone around u to hold their tongues when discussing ur BM around the kids,and if ur really up for a challenge, custody is not legally established until someone files for it. Children are automatically placed in custody of the mother however in court and 4 support u 1 of u has to file for custody which u can rund down 2 ur local family court and do, and the next time u see ur kids they go home when u want them to

  • http://urnotpdiddyloser real"broke"isadumbneegerwithmultiple"babymamas"onwelfare

    please, he still wants the girl. that’s the ONLY time most of them cry for the kids.

  • You Smell Me??

    It sounds like SHE moved in with him.
    ……………………………………………….
    “We’ve both moved on but she’s got this new dude that she’s moved in with her and my daughters and I’m not feeling it.”

    “..he was talking about “this is my house” and “I’m taking care of the girls now”..”

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