Dear Bossip: My Husband Hates Me

Dear Bossip, I need a little advice please. I’ve been with my husband for 10 years married for 6 and for a long time he was the best thing that happened to me. We have three children and a beautiful home. Even though the economy took a huge dip my husband was promoted in his company and we’ve made more money than we ever have. I own a hair salon and relocated to a smaller space and I also began to make more money and through the grace of God finances haven’t been an issue in our marriage. In the last year I’ve seen changes in my husband that I’m not sure where to place. He’s withdrawn, he hardly talks to me and he’s short tempered. He flys off the handle about trivial matters and because this is so new to me I get emotional and lash out at him and it turns into world war 3. I don’t think he’s cheating because he comes home every night and his routine hasn’t changed at all. I believe he’s unhappy and maybe even depressed. I’ve asked him what he’s going through or what I did and on several occasions tried to talk to him about it over a quiet dinner or in our meditation room, and he offers no insight. When I ask him to do things like run to the store for me or fix something in the house, he sucks his teeth and mumbles under his breath or he starts yelling. He sleeps in his game room in the basement and only comes to our room when he wants sex and that’s not even fun or fulfilling for me anymore. I’m at a loss because if feel like my husband suddenly hates me. I can’t bare the thought of my family being apart and I don’t want a divorce but I do want answers because I’m tired of walking on eggshells. I’m not all the way convinced we need counseling but I need to know how do I get him to talk to me? I want my husband back.

Good day to you, sis! Thank you for writing in and sharing your story! So your husband has shut down on you and shows no desire to share with you what he’s going through? That’s the worst feeling, no doubt . . . upsetting. Mainly because you have no idea what he’s thinking and feeling and, on some level, the person on the receiving end of such treatment tends to blame themselves when it may have nothing to do them! Maybe he’s missing a life outside of you and the kids. Maybe he’s wanting more for himself . . . it could be taking up golf or hanging out with his friends a little more often or starting a new venture! Maybe his promotion has him under pressure or under the ‘glass ceiling.’ Monotony, especially at a job, can be a total drag and it can lead to depression and repressed anger, not to excuse him taking his frustrations out on you in any way but it’s something to consider. Maybe you can bust up his routine! Make a few appetizer platters and invite his friends over for Monday night football while you and the kids do something else. Call him when he gets off and tell him to meet you and the kids at a bowling alley on a Friday night. Do little things here and there to show that his happiness is important to you despite his withdraw. Again, it may have nothing to do with you but you won’t know until he starts talking.

When two people share a life together they’re going to evolve, the only constant is change. You can’t time these things, people grow and change at different stages in their lives and couples can either grow apart or grow together. Sure, you think after 10 years you think you know someone inside and out but the truth is, you’re always getting to know him and vice versa. And people get so caught up in the now and taking these life changes personally, the marriage fails before it has a chance to mature. Of course, there’s two sides to every story and, if you haven’t already, evaluate what you may have contributed to take your marriage downhill and take responsibility for it. But here’s the upside and what makes marriage so beautiful, if you two can get through this, you’ll love each other that much more and your marriage will be stronger than ever!

Since divorce is not an option, the best alternative would be to seek counsel from a licensed professional in your area who can help the two of you hash out the particulars and get you guys talking again. For whatever reason, it takes a shot to one’s pride to think an outsider can break the ice between a longstanding couple but the truth is, a third party almost always presents scenarios that neither one of you may have thought up. It’s true . . . and this is why you’ve written in, no? So, take it a step further and go to counseling! If he doesn’t want to go, then you should! If only to show him how serious and committed you are about fixing your marriage! Stay strong and fight the good one, sis! Stay strong!

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