Dear Bossip: I’m Torn Between My Husband And My Lover

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Categories: Love and Relationships, News, Sex and Relationships

Dear Bossip,

I am a married woman of almost five years. A little more than a year ago my husband and I separated for about three months. He moved in with an ex he was having an affair with. During this time I reconnected with an acquaintance of 10 years. We have always kept in touch throughout the years with friendly hellos and how are things going in your life. We would meet for coffee and hangout or catch up over the phone. No sex was ever involved.

Well, during my separation from my husband and after a few times of hanging out, me and my acquaintance started an intense sexual relationship that has continued even after my husband and I decided to work it out and get back together. We hook up on an average about once a month. A couple of months ago my husband went through my phone and found some inappropriate text messages from this man and proceeded to call and harass him until he eventually changed his number. Since this happened he has yet to give me his new number and our communication is only through email.

I have always hoped deep inside that this man would try and pursue something more with me, yet he hasn’t. At one point, if he would have asked, I was willing to leave my husband. During this last year he has opened up about things in his life and I can see now that other than sex on occasion he wants nothing more with me. Yet, when he emails or contacts me I still go. Not to mention my husband has made a 360 degree change. He continues to go above and beyond to fix the marriage and help me heal. Problem is, I now have feelings for this other person who I sense doesn’t really want me. I constantly say that I’m going to work on my marriage, yet find myself missing this other person waiting for his call.

At this point I do not want to leave my marriage, but I don’t want to end it with the other person either. I know it’s selfish. Please help. – My Cake And Eat It Too

Dear Ms. My Cake And Eat It Too,

You see, this is how people catch cases. You’re playing too many damn games and you got two men involved. You know it will only lead to a fatal ending and I’m certain someone is not going to be the happy kid playing in the sandbox, and I’m talking about your husband.

But, let’s back up for a moment missy. I want to break you and this letter down. Which won’t require much since you’re not playing with a full deck. I just want to know why the HELL would you continue sending text messages with a man you’re having an affair with after you got back with your husband? Are you people really that slow and stupid? After we’ve seen so many people get taken down over text message scandals, and knowing your husband has access to your phone, you kept the messages instead of deleting them? SMDH! Just special you are. But, hold on, sweetie, you and your husband separated and he moved in with an ex he was having an affair with?!?! Chile, better you than me.

But, you, my dear, say that you reconnected with an acquaintance of 10 years. A man you kept in contact with only simple hellos and how you’re doing and other things. Girl, go kick boulders with your gladiator sandals. You think I’m stupid! You kept in contact with a man who was only an acquaintance for 10 years, but as soon as you and your husband separated you were in his bed letting him blow your back out. Yeah, uhm, sweetie, you always wanted to hook up with dude, and you kept the charade up of him being just an acquaintance to fool no one other than yourself. Get the “F” out of here!

You probably weren’t expecting your husband to make amends and do a complete turnaround, so you got caught up with your “friend.” Now, you’re trying to figure out what to do because you don’t want to lose either man. Truth be told, you really want your friend because you’ve been desiring him all these years, but for some reason the two of you didn’t connect, and you got married in the interim, and now you’re feeling you don’t want to lose your husband, but if the other man makes a move and asks you to leave your husband and come be with him then you’re willing to pack all your –ish in the GLAD Trash Bags and jet to his wide open loving arms. LMBAO! Girl, you’re a joke and a half.

Oh, by the way, you’re fool to think the other man wanted something more with you other than sex. He just wanted your sex, and you happily obliged, and he happily accepted. And, once your husband found out, and confronted him, you see he doesn’t want anything more to do with you other than sex. Notice that’s what you were doing before your husband found out, and after your husband found out – SEX!

And, trust and believe, that little three month separation you and your husband had was only a hiatus from one another. It was an excuse for you both to get your freak on. I gather your husband got his senses together and figured he’d rather be with you than his ex he moved in with. I’m still trying to figure out why the hell he moved in with her. Oh yeah! He probably told her that he was going to leave his wife for her, and when he did he found out that they were not compatible, or something went awry, and he came running back to you. (*   *) Blank stare at both of you!

Look, I don’t condone cheating, especially after you made wedding vows and a commitment to be married through the good and bad times. And, this is a very low time for you, so suck it up, get into some counseling, and I mean professional counseling – not your good girlfriends Keisha and ‘em telling you what to do. Also, seek spiritual counseling with your church pastor because you have a spiritual hold on you and I’m certain your pastor can help you with resolving this issue. You need to be a woman and confess to your husband what’s been going on, and stop the relations with this other man. Don’t let the sex confuse your heart and mind. I tell you some good d**k will make you lose all your senses and do stupid –ish like what you’re doing.

And, just like you said that your husband has worked on him, and is going above and beyond to help you heal, it’s time you do the same for yourself. You need to heal, and it begins with admitting the truth about yourself to yourself. Be honest with yourself and your husband. Be willing to face the consequences be what they may, and get to the root cause of your problem which is YOU! –  Terrance Dean

Hey Bossip Fam, what do you think? Share your opinions and thoughts below!

Also, e-mail all your questions Terrance Dean: loveandrelationships@bossip.com

Follow Terrance Dean on Twitter: @terrancedean

Make sure to get your copy of my new book,  Mogul: A Novel (Atria Books – June 2011; $15). It is available in bookstores everywhere, and on Amazon, HERE!

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