I have a 40-something year old male friend that’s in the closet and on the Down Low (DL). We dated for a little while, but I could tell something was off. He’s a wanna-be thug and wants to maintain his “reputation.” Once, while in the middle of sex, I felt his stroke was not quite right. No matter what I did nothing ever worked. So, finally I asked and he revealed to me that he’s gay and on the DL. I told him I figured he was. The problem is not his orientation but the fact that he wants me to lie to others about “us.” He tells people I’m on him and I fight other females for him. He even told people that I’m currently pregnant with his child which isn’t true. Chile please, I’m dating this great heterosexual guy that adores me. While I want to remain friends with my ex, I’m finding it impossible to do so. What should I do about the lies the DL dude is telling? Outta Pocket Trying To Make Me His Beard
Dear Ms. Trying To Make Me His Beard,
LMBAO! Girl, you are a fool for this letter. You kept it one hundred, though, and I love how you said his stroke game was off. You immediately recognized some clues and called a spade a spade! You better work!!!
But, here’s my thing. He’s a 40-something year old man trying to maintain his reputation as a wanna-be thug. What grown ass man walks around at 40-something years old still claiming he’s a thug? That’s a dead giveaway right there. No one believes him. HE NEEDS MORE PEOPLE!
And, if he thinks he’s fooling people with using you as a guise to cover his DL lifestyle, he is sadly mistaken. People are not as naïve and slow as he thinks they are. Trust me, folks know something is not right, and that he is hiding something. You’re not the only woman to “clock his T” and bounce. Other women have done so, and just like you they have spilled that “T” with others. The word is out about him, and he knows it, so he wants you to help him keep up a lie while he’s lying on you. Uhm, that’s a negative sweetie.
If you go along with this lie, then how are you going to explain the fact that you are not pregnant and didn’t deliver a baby? People will be expecting to see a child. And, how are you going to explain when someone sees you out with your new boyfriend? Have you spoken with your new boyfriend about your exes request and arrangement? I’m certain he will not be thrilled, and won’t like the fact that he’s being used as well, and ultimately you’re denouncing your relationship with him. You do realize that your ex is asking you to put everything on the line for him. He’s not thinking about you, and your relationship. As a matter of fact, he doesn’t respect you or your relationship. He’s foul, manipulative, deceptive, and selfish. Why is he in your life? I’ll wait while you think about it.
The down low on all of this is that there is too much lying going on and around. It’s not worth it, and you don’t want to get caught up in his lies with your own lies. A real friend wouldn’t ask you to do something like this, and let me say for the record, he’s your ex not your friend. Does your boyfriend know that he’s around and what he’s asking you to do? Sure, he’s no threat, but no man wants another man hanging around his woman regardless if they are straight or gay, and especially if he’s asking you to lie about a relationship that you’re clearly not in.
And, how are you two going to maintain all these lies? What happens when he lies about something and doesn’t let you know about the new lie? Girl, you’re a grown woman. Stop playing these games with this 40-something year old man who is obviously not man enough to be himself, and live in his truth.
I’m not saying you have to out him, but you need to draw a line and let him know that he’s crossing it. He’s invading your boundaries and it’s making you uncomfortable. You have to be truthful with yourself and your own relationship. If you want to continue being his friend, then you need to let him know that you are not going to lie for him, with him, and about him. Tell him it’s time to man up and be who he is because all of this hiding and trying to mask who he really is, well, it’s only drawing attention to himself.
And, in case he may think he’s hiding, tell him this: One, he’s 40-something years old trying to “thug” it out, but yet he’s really single, with no kids, no woman living with him, and he hasn’t had a steady girlfriend in a while. Hmmmm, that’s a tell-tale sign of a man who is hiding something. I’m not saying that all men like him are gay, but, err, uhm…(Cough, cough).
Two, he’s lying to his family and friends about having a relationship with you, yet you’re never around. You don’t attend the family functions, events, holidays, gatherings, and his friends don’t see you two together. Isn’t that a little suspicious? Chile, they know something is up, but they are just waiting on him to come clean.
Three, he said you were pregnant with his child. LMBAO! I can’t get off the floor. Please tell me how he is going to explain this to his family and friends when you’re not showing, or after nine months the baby is nowhere to be found.
Four, you dated him for a few years and he lied to you about his sexuality. He came clean after you confronted him, but had you not said anything he would have continued lying to you. Now, here’s the thing: He wants you to join him in his lies to help cover up his sexuality. You do realize that he’s a liar. The fact that he so easily lied to you, and wants you to lie to others with him, well, there’s a saying, “If they lie to you, they will on you and about you.” And, just as you recognized his lies, others have recognized his lies. They are catching up with him. She, and yes I said “she.” She better stop playing all these games and just be herself. All these lies are only going to cause more damage than good.
It’s time that he comes clean. It’s time that he stops living for other people and trying to prove to them what they already know – HE’S GAY! His “T” is all on the ground. I’m not saying you have to ‘out’ him, but Ms. Honey, he’s done that himself. And, yes, it is a process in coming ‘out.’ It is a process for him to come to terms with who he really is, and accept himself, and love himself. There are plenty of books out there to help him: Hiding In Hip Hop by Terrance Dean; On The Down Low by JL King; and Invisible Life by E. Lynn Harris. Introduce him to those books and let him know that regardless of anything, he is loved and that those who are his friends and his family will still love him regardless of who he is. Because, chile, he ain’t fooling nobody but himself. How are you going to be a “thug,” yet you’re fruitier than the Boondocks character, Gangstalicious. You’re explaining to your homeboy’s why you love watching The Real Housewives of Atlanta; Basketball Wives; and LaLa’s Full Court. And, you’re secretly catching glimpses of your boy’s ass, and slip up and say, “No homo, but dude you got a fatty.” Or, “Man, I ain’t down for that gay –ish, but I’ll let a dude suck me off.” – Terrance Dean
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