I’m a young female (20-years old) and my incarcerated boyfriend is 20-years old as well. I have known him since elementary school. We “play-play” dated ever since elementary. Now that we are older and more mature, we can differentiate like from love. I’ve dated other people but it was never anything serious. I know I love my boyfriend, in fact I think he’s the only guy I ever loved.
He was locked up for 4 months before I found out. The only reason I found out was because I searched our city jail database and nothing came up and I decided to check the state prison database and found him. We officially started dating again since he’s been in prison. He said I was the only person that wrote him and his sister was the reason he was sent there. She set him up so he ended up violating probation and getting incarcerated. I don’t have a single doubt about the way he feels for me. When we were younger we both lived in Florida until his family moved to Georgia. We kept in touch the whole time. His family always jokes that we might as well get married because of our 12 year history together. He said that I’m the only one he wants to be with and he wants to spend the rest of his life with me. He gets out the end of 2012 and I have been making living arrangements for us.
My concern is that are we too young to get married? I met a girl who was in a similar situation. She married young and has been married for 5 years and has a child with her husband. She says her and her husband know that they have grown apart but will not leave each other because they spent so much time together and that they are afraid to move on with other people. Her dad always told her not to spend too much time in a relationship with one person at such a young age and now she understands why. In addition, my boyfriend always had to provide for himself and that’s why he makes the wrong decisions and gets locked up. I’m not justifying his actions, but I understand why he does what he does. This is another reason why I wanna be here for him because if he knows he has someone that has his back he can finally relax and enjoy a “normal” life. But again am I sacrificing too much to help a lover in need? I just want the best for him and I genuinely am in love with him. Any advice? – Too Young Or Not
Dear Ms. Too Young Or Not,
Girl, SMDH! I need a cigarette and a drink, and I don’t even smoke or drink.
You have your whole entire life ahead of you and you’re wasting it waiting on some knucklehead who, as you say knowingly, “Makes the wrong decisions and gets locked up.”
Does that make any type of sense to you? Does that sound logical? You are willing to sacrifice your life, your youth, for a man who doesn’t see the value of his own life. If he doesn’t love himself to do the right thing, then what makes you think he can possibly love you? Chile, I swear you women truly lack some common sense, educational smarts, and street smarts if you think you can love a man enough, show him you care, have his back, and be his ride or die bitch when he doesn’t care about himself or anyone else for that matter.
Your incarcerated boyfriend doesn’t get out of prison until the end of 2012! Wake the hell up!!! He’s in prison. You’re not! You mean to tell me that you’re willing to wait for him to get out, which is another year and half from now? You’re not going to see what other options are out there, explore and play the field, and while you’re doing all of this you can be enrolled in school or working on empowering yourself? I’m not saying you’re a hood rat, but you sure are exhibiting some hood rat characteristics.
Honey, he’s using prison psychology on you with those ole okey doke lines, “You’re the only one who’s really had my back.” And, “You’re the only woman I want to be with and spend the rest of my life with.” Come the “F” on, son! Really? Really! All of sudden he recognizes that you’re the only woman he can be with and spend the rest of his life with? Girl, bye! The only reason he is telling you that he wants to get married, and be with you for the rest of his life, and how you’re the only woman he needs is because HE’S LOCKED UP! He will tell you anything you want to hear. Chile, I swear the young get dumber and dumber each year.
As soon as that knee-grow gets out of prison he’s going to be running the streets, and doing what he knows best. Trust and believe he isn’t, and won’t be thinking about you.
You know what, go ahead and set up a house for him to come home to. Save up your money so you can give him a “Coming Home” party, and buy him some new clothes, sneakers, and let him drive your car while you’re sitting at home wondering where he is and why he’s not answering the cell phone that you got for him. Sit at home and wonder why “Keisha,” “Tracey,” and “Shaquan” are calling and blowing up his phone. Sit at home and wonder when all three of them call and tell you that they’re pregnant and your man is the father.
Instead of waiting on him and trying to play house with this man why don’t you get yourself enrolled in someone’s school or university. Get yourself some education and find a man who is not in prison, or a recurring prisoner because, “he can’t depend on nobody and he got to do what he got to do.” Girl, I am one second from snatching you by that weave and dragging you to the admissions office my damn self.
I plead, I urge, and I am encouraging you to please think clearly about this and not get so wrapped up in him. I know you’ve known him all your life, and it sounds cute that you used to “play-play” date when you were younger. But, you’re still young. You can enroll in a school, empower yourself, get some education, meet other intelligent men who stimulate your mental and emotional, and who have some clear and concise direction and goals. You can keep in communication with him, but at least explore what else is out there, and work on developing you and empowering yourself. For this next year just try to let yourself date other men who are working, have a home/apartment, and are doing something positive with their lives. And, you can still be there for your “boyfriend” when he gets out of prison, but you’ve got to allow him to get on his own feet, make the necessary adjustments in his life to better himself, and get some therapy. He needs some professional help, and you can offer support, but don’t be his only source of support of sole supporter. And, please know that you’re only asking for trouble and a life of misery with a man who doesn’t love himself, can’t make concise life decisions, and who is unwilling to change. No matter how much you may love him, and want the best for him, Ms. Thang, but if he doesn’t love himself or want the best for himself, then there is nothing you can do for him. He has to want it for himself. Stop trying to nurture him, baby him, and be his mother. You can’t be all of those things and be his woman. It’s a lot to take on at such a young age. Trust me, this is not a road you want to explore. – Terrance Dean
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